Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dead beat dad

27 replies

Nighthawk91 · 04/01/2025 23:16

sick to death of the father of my child who is 11 months old. He is forever going on about how much he misses her and it's killing him not seeing her very often. Baring in mind I've never stopped him seeing her he can see her whenever he wants. But choses not too because he is "too tired from work" yet is never too tired to do anything else he wants to do like see his friends or go to the pub. We live 45 minutes away. Yet he expects me to go to his 3 x a week so he can see her. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with him but it's not my responsibility to do this for him I've had to give my job up as I have no child care and couldn't even afford the petrol to get there because I spend all my money on my child as the only thing he provides is nappies.

He works Monday- Saturday lunchtime yet can go straight out drinking for the day and evening with friends like he has done tonight. He honestly boils my piss. As for next Saturday he has a party to go too. Yet another weekend he could have spent with her. He moans that he wants her for the day which I won't allow straight away as he doesn't even know anything about her, her routines, her cues, what she can eat etc. I've been telling him for months that he needs to put the time in and build their bond so when the time comes she won't feel like she's left with a stranger and that he can care for her properly. But he won't make the effort.

Another thing that really pisses me off is that he lives with his parents and they don't give him a kick up the arse. I know I would if it was my child who was not stepping up.

My child deserves better than this.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 04/01/2025 23:26

TBH why the hell.did you procreate with such a loser? Unless of course he's undergone a total character change, perhaps following a blow to the head?

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2025 23:37

Look - she doesn’t deserve it but this is the dad she’s lumbered with.

Stop pandering and forcing the relationship.

Go to CMS to get proper child support and let him make the effort if he wants a relationship with him.

ByHardyAquaFox · 04/01/2025 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JHound · 04/01/2025 23:43

I don’t know the circumstances by which you and him decided to have a kid but I think having him be in and out your and your child’s life maybe more stressful than just telling him to eff off.

Get your child maintenance sorted and then just raise your child yourself.

Meadowfinch · 04/01/2025 23:43

Go to court & get an access agreement where he comes to visit her two or three times a week for an hour or two.

If he can't be bothered to turn up, don't chase him. She'll never learn to miss him.

And claim CMS.

Xxbbbwwmmm2 · 04/01/2025 23:49

Let him take you to court for access and go through cms cut contact with him, he is a waste of space.

FrowntonAbbey · 04/01/2025 23:50

20 months ago you thought he was perfect fatherhood material and picked him as the father of your child. What changed?

Nighthawk91 · 04/01/2025 23:53

I never meant to get pregnant I fell whilst on contraception. He changed as soon as I told him I was pregnant like really changed.

OP posts:
ByHardyAquaFox · 04/01/2025 23:54

You were still having sex with him right, right? Why were you spending time with such a deadbeat?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 23:56

Don't do the driving yourself ever

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's awful comment. How nasty. And (as you can guess from my username) men like this pretend for months or years to be good guys and prey on kind empathetic women but as any midwife can tell you once they have baby trapped a woman they can turn awful and abusive.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 04/01/2025 23:59

Yanbu. Lots of men don't want to change their routine after a baby. He needs to grow up and step up. In the meantime, you probably need to step back - don't block the relationship, but don't go out of your way to drive 45 minutes 3x a week to facilitate it. You've put the ball in his court - his actions tell you he is not going to play ball. Step back for your own sanity.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 23:59

Op I got my ex to take the baby to a children's centre session which was good as he learnt about parenting there and I knew baby was in a safe place

Nighthawk91 · 05/01/2025 00:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 23:57

That's awful comment. How nasty. And (as you can guess from my username) men like this pretend for months or years to be good guys and prey on kind empathetic women but as any midwife can tell you once they have baby trapped a woman they can turn awful and abusive.

Exactly this they deffiently do!

OP posts:
Youcanpayit · 05/01/2025 00:03

God, there's some nasty replies to a mum that sounds at the end of her rope and is having a moan like we all do from time to time.

OP, yes, she does deserve better.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/01/2025 00:04

Youcanpayit · 05/01/2025 00:03

God, there's some nasty replies to a mum that sounds at the end of her rope and is having a moan like we all do from time to time.

OP, yes, she does deserve better.

I agree!

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 05/01/2025 00:09

If he did have dd for the day you can bet your bottom Dollar he'd palm her off to his mum.
If he wants to see her he makes the effort and comes to you to pick her up/see her.

Nighthawk91 · 05/01/2025 00:27

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 05/01/2025 00:09

If he did have dd for the day you can bet your bottom Dollar he'd palm her off to his mum.
If he wants to see her he makes the effort and comes to you to pick her up/see her.

100% spot on. He would palm her off on his parents who are elderly and are deffiently not capable themselves to look after her

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 05/01/2025 01:34

So stop facilitating the visit, tell him it’s up to him to come to her, or meet halfway if you feel generous

and go to CMS

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/01/2025 01:38

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 23:57

That's awful comment. How nasty. And (as you can guess from my username) men like this pretend for months or years to be good guys and prey on kind empathetic women but as any midwife can tell you once they have baby trapped a woman they can turn awful and abusive.

This

Blame the woman who stepped up rather than the deadbeat slacker. Typical misogynistic crap.

AInightingale · 05/01/2025 01:45

OP, it's a sad fact that society gives the most pitiful loser men a free pass. A woman who couldn't be bothered to see or nurture her own child would be publicly scorned and shunned. Can you imagine the names she would be called?

Your child's father (he doesn't even deserve the title tbh) is a loser, a deadbeat, a selfish son of a bitch, who probably never wanted the responsibilities of parenthood and will do everything in his power to wriggle out of it.

Trying to make him care will make you sad and angry and be bad for your daughter. Forget him. Make sure he legally supports his child - a contraceptive failure is a possibility that all men have to bear in mind - and if her grandparents want to see her, I'd facilitate that, but if he wants to see her, he has to do the running, you aren't a bloody taxi service.

Charliecatpaws · 05/01/2025 01:49

Meadowfinch · 04/01/2025 23:43

Go to court & get an access agreement where he comes to visit her two or three times a week for an hour or two.

If he can't be bothered to turn up, don't chase him. She'll never learn to miss him.

And claim CMS.

This

Nighthawk91 · 05/01/2025 01:53

the thing that is really bizarre is he will facetime pretty much everyday to see her but doesn't physically make the effort. I cant get my head around it.

OP posts:
XChrome · 05/01/2025 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nonsense. Your post is what's aggressive and confrontational.

Tubetrain · 05/01/2025 01:57

Don't contact him and wait for him to make the next move.he won't and you and your baby will be rid of him. Please don't say you've put him on the birth certificate or given the baby his name.....

Swipe left for the next trending thread