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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends new boyfriend and her behaviour

17 replies

Dobbyhuffle · 04/01/2025 21:49

I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here

my best friend has a new boyfriend. She was in an abusive relationship for 16+ years. I’m thrilled for her to meet a nice guy and wish them all the best. they only get to see each other for long weekends every weekend due to distance and work.

but every time he visits her, she always cancels on me. Every time they plan to come over, they cancel. I understand she’s in the phase where you are smitten but I’m starting to get annoyed.

3 times this week they have cancelled on me last minute. The only time she saw me was when he was at work.

i am genuinely thrilled for her and understand she is especially excited about this relationship having been in a toxic one for so long. But to cancel on me every time - 3 times this week - is annoying me.

I feel like she knows how to make contact with me when it suits her but when he’s around and they are both invited she always bails.

OP posts:
Catza · 04/01/2025 21:53

or...he isn't a nice bloke at all and makes sure she cancels on you so that you don't see through the nice exterior to the shitty person he really is. It would not at all be unusual for an abuser to subtly alienate a woman from her friends, nor would it be particularly unusual for the victim of abuse to find themselves in a very similar position in their next relationship.

Endofyear · 04/01/2025 23:21

What are the reasons she gives for cancelling? Have you spoken to her about it? If she's a good friend I would tell her that it's hurtful when she keeps cancelling on you and you'd rather not make plans to see them if you're just going to be continually let down.

Newhi · 04/01/2025 23:24

She sounds like she’s a good friend. It’s the honeymoon phase, cut her a little bit of slack and just arrange to meet midweek when he is not about. You’ll have plenty of time to meet him later when they’ve calmed down a bit.

PlannerG · 04/01/2025 23:58

What were the 3 things she cancelled?

Hufflemuff · 05/01/2025 01:50

"Hey let's meet up mid-week next time as I know you're busy with your new man at the moment, hope it's all going well!"

It doesn't have to be that deep. Yes it's annoying but just accept this is her honeymoon period and don't make plans with her for a bit, let her come to you.

RubyOrca · 05/01/2025 02:14

If they’re only together for a few days every week why are you organising so many social catch-ups? Honestly, I’d be annoyed if I was travelling to see my new partner and was booked up with activities with their friends all the time.

This could be a horrible new partner who is isolating her. But it could just as likely be someone annoyed that their limited time together at the start of their relationship is spent tagging along to her catching up with mates.

Maybe just back off a little and give her space. Yes it’s not good that she’s cancelling. She soups be saying no upfront. But help out by organising catch-ups mid week and slowing down the social invites for a little.

Alalalala · 05/01/2025 02:15

Do you usually expect to see her three times a week? Seems intense if so. Just give her a bit of space while she settles into the new relationship maybe.

BMW6 · 05/01/2025 02:17

You're really busy with your own stuff for the foreseeable future. No time at all to meet up.

Original poster
Dobbyhuffle · 05/01/2025 02:34

yes we usually meet up 3 times a week. It’s just for catch ups / dinner etc. 3 times a week isn’t set in stone i.e. certain days (it can be more actually) but I think as we are both living life pretty full on what with one thing and another, making time for an hour or more is just what we do. Sometimes it could be half an hour just for a coffee, other times 3 hours at one another’s houses til midnight.

Just to say it isn’t just me organising - the last one she organised, I know I said about one and tbh I can’t remember who arranged the other that we had planned for this week.

we are both really busy people so meeting up is our unwind period - even half an hour over a tea is great.

maybe I need to remember more what the exciting stage the beginning of a relationship is. I have met the guy - he seems nice. I have been with my husband 18 years so we are in a different place relationship wise. Also I’m so pleased that she left her old partner - he was verbally and emotionally abusive plus (on occasion) physical. She definitely deserves happiness.

someone made a really good point and now I do see it differently - and from a better perspective

OP posts:
JMSA · 05/01/2025 02:39

That's really annoying. I mean, I can understand why she might not want to meet thrice weekly at the moment. But she needed to be honest with you rather than bail on you x3!

Original poster
Dobbyhuffle · 05/01/2025 02:44

I do acknowledge she has this guy to spend her time with and naturally we won’t meet up as often because she’s seeing him. She’s excited. She deserves a nice partner having struggled for so long

its just to leave me hanging 3 times in one week… I feel it’s rude

OP posts:
Original poster
Dobbyhuffle · 05/01/2025 02:44

Hufflemuff · 05/01/2025 01:50

"Hey let's meet up mid-week next time as I know you're busy with your new man at the moment, hope it's all going well!"

It doesn't have to be that deep. Yes it's annoying but just accept this is her honeymoon period and don't make plans with her for a bit, let her come to you.

Thank you, that’s perfect

OP posts:
Sugarfish · 05/01/2025 02:47

I’d keep an eye on her if I were you. Like someone else said this guy could be another abusive arsehole. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for women who left abusive relationships to end up in another one. She might need you in the future. It is shit when people cancel, but it could be him making her.

Rachmorr57 · 05/01/2025 02:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GreenFields07 · 08/01/2025 13:32

Im not sure I really understand this. You say they only get to see eachother at the weekend because of various reasons, so when is she cancelling on you? Midweek when they dont even see eachother, so that isnt his fault surely? If its weekend shes cancelling, just stop making plans at the weekend when you know she will want to see him. 3x in a week is a lot, especially if its 3 weekend nights when they will want some alone time.

Ace56 · 08/01/2025 13:37

GreenFields07 · 08/01/2025 13:32

Im not sure I really understand this. You say they only get to see eachother at the weekend because of various reasons, so when is she cancelling on you? Midweek when they dont even see eachother, so that isnt his fault surely? If its weekend shes cancelling, just stop making plans at the weekend when you know she will want to see him. 3x in a week is a lot, especially if its 3 weekend nights when they will want some alone time.

Just what I was about to ask. If she only sees him on weekends, surely she’d still be free mid-week? And if she’s not, it’s got nothing to do with him?
Also if I were her I’d definitely need some downtime during the week. Maybe this is the real reason why she’s cancelling?

Desmodici · 08/01/2025 23:45

Catza · 04/01/2025 21:53

or...he isn't a nice bloke at all and makes sure she cancels on you so that you don't see through the nice exterior to the shitty person he really is. It would not at all be unusual for an abuser to subtly alienate a woman from her friends, nor would it be particularly unusual for the victim of abuse to find themselves in a very similar position in their next relationship.

My exact thoughts.

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