Please explain

[pPenelope]

Why do I wish to beg my cheating abusive STBXH to try again? He cheated multiple times, frightened me and our children by throwing objects, emotionally and abused me, degraded me during sex, left me to work full time and raise our children. Had an affair with another married women and slept with her in the marital bed whilst her children were at home. I could go on. But he won’t divorce me even though he has the funds, I don’t. We are separated but I feel like I can’t escape him as he keeps tabs on the family home etc. We live in a small village and I feel trapped so would I be better off just trying to prove to him that our marriage can work? Deep down I know it can’t so explain to me why I am feeling so.

Don't!

You can divorce him. Get legal advice and they will explain how

It’s really common to feel this way but what you need to remember is the reason you are separated.

You need to keep yourself and your children safe. You deserve to be happy and not be scared in your own home, you deserve to not be cheated on or degraded whilst having sex. Going back is just allowing it to happen and letting him know he can do it again with no repercussions. Often this is when behaviour escalates because they test the boundaries of what they can get away with next.

I think part of us wants to prove that we are in control and can come out on top having fixed everything.

But divorce isn't failure.

You can initiate the proceedings online, he doesn't have to agree. It'll happen against his wishes if needs be since the law changed (I am assuming possibly incorrectly you're in England).

You can’t change him. What you’ve experienced is what he is. He’ll be this next year, the year after and in 10 years time. Do you really want your children to grow up with that, do you want to continue to be damaged by his behaviour?
Get advice on divorce. Contact Gingerbread, or Citizens Advice. You can make a new life where you’re happy and free from abuse.

In England. I have consulted with a lawyer but STBXH said a year ago when he moved out to be the married OW that he would be starting divorce. I think that relationshop broke down very quickly and since then he keeps saying he isn’t mentally strong enough to divorce. Stuck in this limbo is challenging.

If you have a spare £600...

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Could it be that vile as you know that he is you are still in love with him?
It’s one of life’s strangest things that nobody would believe possible but it does happen.
You are safer away from him, your children are safer away from him ,always remember this.
Best wishes.
❤️❤️❤️

A part of me, yes as he is the father of my children and when I married him, I felt so committed and hopeful for our future. I know now that he was living a lie. But I wasn’t and I think with having two young children, I just assume wrongly I hope that this is life for me despite only being 35!

I had thought I had chosen a good man, I clearly had not and now struggle to trust anyone.

Only 35?! You can have a wonderful rest of your life without having him in it m, except for communication re joint parenting (which you can do via a parenting app so you don't need to speak to him)

Contact a divorce lawyer for 30 mins free advice and get the ball rolling

It's not his decision
He's not the boss of you
You can choose your own path

Don't do it. He's horrible. You will find a gorgeous kind caring partner who makes life fun for you and the children.

Noooo don’t settle for that.

You are 35, do you really want to be shackled to that dude for the next 40 years?

You will crave the routine and normality of knowing him well, that’s all it is.
Depending on how long you’ve been together it may take a while for that to pass …. but it does.

As for him saying he’s not now “mentally strong” enough and ready to divorce after his plans with OW have fallen through, that’s just a power play and he’s hoping to get your empathy.
Ignore it.
Be cordial about the kids but be firm that the relationship is over and you want the divorce to proceed, it’s in both parties interest to do that as amicably and smoothly as possible.

He's not mentally strong enough for a divorce? So what? Stop being manipulated and start divorce proceedings now. You need to end this relationship once and for all.

It’s easier to have a rat in a cage than wonder when it will pop up.