Is this normal to feel like you’re always carrying your OH?

[Carryingcarrying]

Been with DH - 2 kids . Love him and get on well but today has bugged me.

I am always the planner, the one who says what we’re going , what chores need doing etc

We’ve just been on holiday - I was the one saying let’s go here, let’s do this - he never does. His parents don’t if we’re with them and he seems to have taken after them.

Same with any household chores or the kids - I literally have to tell him. He wouldn’t just do it. It’s exhausting. We have a dog- I wish he’d just say I’m off to walk the dog , then I’ll take the kids to the park. Everything is left to me. I don’t work atm as we have a baby , so I do all the house stuff which is fine but evenings, weekends and holidays it’s still all down to me. It’s not even the day to day chores it’s the general lack of ooooph 😂

Anyone else?! I couldn’t imagine just letting someone else plan my days / life and have to tell me stuff. It’s like I’m his bloody PA or he’s an extra child.

No. When I met him I told him I wasn’t looking to adopt a man child and if he wasn’t self sufficient I wasn’t interested but we were older when we met, so I was wiser. He drives me mad as we are different people but he doesn’t do weaponised incompetence we are a team with different strengths.

Problem is you pick up the slack you need to tell him that you expect him to. You will get the ick for him in the end and it will be game over

Im sure he holds down a job that uses his brain, he’s just used to you doing everything. So stop and tell him he needs to step up

Was he useless before you had a baby? What does he say when you speak to him about it?

💯 he has a big cooperate high level job. Yet at home I have to say to take the Christmas decorations storage ( which I have taken down) , literally just everything. It’s like I’m the household manager and he does nothing off his own back. When we got back from
holiday yesterday I said let’s clean the house after Christmas. I said I’ll do the kitchen bathroom dusting etc and all he had to do
Was the hoovering . Well he didn’t - I ended up doing it today. Then this morning he’s scrolling on his phone and I said - hoovering needs doing, dog walking, Christmas deca away , kids taken out etc , and shopping and he does nothing and doesn’t even share it. Anyway he is out with our eldest as he took him to the cinema, (I would have loved to do this) and he rang after to say what’s for tea. I said he needed to have done the shopping which is already sent him the list - but again I have to tell him. Got no self motivation . He has the car or I would have gone shopping .

My DH is C Suite big corp.
I don't have to remind him to do stuff. He is v hands on around the house. Manages much more than me re home admin.
If my DH can do it etc etc.

I think the balance of work and domestic load can be a problem for lots of couples. It’s absolutely fair enough to expect that he does more around the house, particularly as you have small kids - it’s difficult to get much done when you have a baby!

All that said, I think it’s to be expected (and fair), that if one half of a couple works full time and is the sole earner, the person who is not working will end up carrying the vast majority of the domestic stuff. My friend’s DH has a very high powered job and earns a lot while she doesn’t work - their kids are teens. She often complains that he is useless around the house and compares him to my husband who does do a lot on the domestic front. Our situations are totally different though as we both work, and DH’s job isn’t anywhere as demanding, so he has a lot more time!

He's got plenty of self motivation, OP, just isn't motivated to contribute anything to running your home or family. I couldn't be arsed with that at all. You're supposed to be partners but he's getting away with being a child.

Oh come on OP, he doesn't hold down a job like that if he has no drive and can't show initiative.

Of the women I know in relationships with men (I assume that’s you as well) I hear this all the time.

Yes this is his level job - that’s why I dont understand it. Or is it a case of huge job pressure come home and everything’s sorted and done type thing. I organise everything even all our socials and our friendship groups all overlap so it’s very easy to. I know my personality is very organised and I’m a planner but sometimes I just want to step back. I’m going to chat with him tonight

You might relate to this, OP, about the mental load
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

This sounds like us. And I don’t mind the chore side really - I’m kind of of top of that, but it’s the weekend planning or when we’re on holiday. I’d love him to say let’s go here or do this. Or I’ll take the kids to the park to play football . He and I suspect he’s ND which is how he does his level of job and maybe it’s why he can’t do day to day things I take for granted. I’m not sure - and he is a great dad, husband but my gosh just wake up and take the dogs out 😂 without me having to write a list.

Wow this 🙌 is exactly it! Thank you for sharing

I work full time in a stressful corporate job. DH is a SAHD.

Today I have taken DS2 to football, then maccies for lunch, then been to Tesco to do the food shopping in case it snows tonight and we are stuck in tomorrow, helped DS1 make nachos, emptied the dishwasher, taken the recycling out, wiped down all the kitchen sides, and am now making dinner. DH has been out at the football all day.

There is no reason your DH cannot do these things, regardless of whether he works full time or not. I manage to know what needs doing, so I do it.

Misogynist losers are not attractive.
He's meant to enhance your life, make it easier, fun, and bring you peace. As he's chosen not to, and deliberately makes your life harder, do you really want to stay married to him?
Being treated with such open contempt must be sickening.
You wrote he is a great dad and husband, but that doesn't make sense.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Says it all..

You have managed to marry a lazy selfish man and they are great at doing just enough until you are trapped then they stop. "You only had to ask!" rapidly turns to "stop nagging" and unfortunately they never revert back to how they used to be.

You could try marriage counselling, or even an ultimation, but you need to decide what you really want going forwards. Remember, you can only change yourself and your reactions, you cannot change him.

You can accept a downtrodden life and carry on slowly being eaten alive with resentment OR
Ask him to step up and give him a deadline to change consistently (and mean it) OR
Get out and find a happier brighter less angry future.

I tried the first and second but after nearly 35 years I've thrown in the towel. Don't leave it as long as me.

Well, if I were you I'd stop. Don't ask him to do anything. See what happens. Ride it out for a few months. Live with the possible mess and consequences. Make sure the children are ok. Take them to the park yourself but don't ask him to come. Just leave him to his own devices. I'd be very interested to hear what he does.

Hi @Carryingcarrying

I had a wake up call thankfully before my wife got the Ick!

Two books that significantly fixed me were This is how your marriage ends Mat Fray and FairPlay by Eva Rodsky. The first is the bell ringer the second sounds like it would be good for you both as it’s fair not equal which is good when there are unequal work hrs.

When I realised how thoroughly unattractive being perceived as a bit useless at home is. I can’t tell you how I bucked my ideas up. I also improved at work too.

If he is good at work he can be good at home. The benefits of him improving are huge in every aspect of life x

When DH and I met, we were both in similarly high powered professional roles (although he has far outearned me - private v third sector, sad trombone), so we split domestic load evenly. As, otherwise, things just didn’t get done.

Now, I’m on extended maternity leave, but stuff is still pretty evenly split. Again, if he doesn’t do his bit, it simply won’t get done. I’m perfectly happy to leave the washing up or have a messy living room, but he isn’t. So he pitches in.

I think you’ve nailed it, though. In your relationship, you’ve taken on the role (or had it thrust upon you) of household manager. He basically leaves his brain and initiative at work.

Have you spoken to him about all this? It’s possible he isn’t a lazy selfish arse, just thoughtless. So make him think.

he has a big cooperate high level job

^

You want the bottom line??

He does not see the household/family stuff as important. That's the crux of it.

He and I suspect he’s ND which is how he does his level of job and maybe it’s why he can’t do day to day things I take for granted

^

How convenient for him!!!!!

I am just after sending dd back to uni tonight and DH went "home" yesterday...I am overseas for work for a couple of years.

DH used to be very good at home stuff ...and he still does a lot to help manage DD (ASD/ADHD and hated me for a long time..). But I was looking forward to at least one meal that I didn't either cook at least 50% or pay for while he was here for 2 weeks. He used to do a lot of cooking in the past. (I did have to re-learn how to do ironing when I moved ... he took over when he couldn't feed DD when she was born...who is now at overseas Uni).

DH is very good at home but thinks he is on holidays here - whereas I live here and have to clean/cook daily. And dd manages what she HAS to do- but is very happy to manipulate whichever parent is present to do whatever she needs to get done...

I am looking forward to a quiet day tomorrow..and making my space my own again