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Original poster

Was I rude to leave?

30 replies

Squidgame12345 · 04/01/2025 16:34

I was at a church service with a friend, it's not my thing but I know she is heavily devout and I go with her maybe once or twice a year.

Another friend of hers who I didn't know came and was sitting on the opposite side. At the end of the service she turned and started speaking to the other friend, I was on the left of her and this friend was on the right.

I thought I better shoot off soon as I had shopping to do. I waited a bit but they were just talking, so after 10 minutes I thought, I'm not waiting all day I need to go now

I tapped her on the shoulder and said, so sorry to cut you both off but I really need to get going now, it was lovely to see you. She looked surprised and confused.

Later on I got a text saying she hadn't expected me to leave so soon and she had only been talking to her friend. I understood, but we hadn't made any plans for after and I didn't know how long they were going to talk for, surely she didn't expect me to just sit and wait indefinitely?

OP posts:
IlooklikeNigella · 04/01/2025 16:37

It sounds like crossed wires; your friend thought the meetup was church followed by something else and that you then cut the meeting short abruptly. You thought you'd be saying goodbye after church regardless.

Unless she is usually high maintenance or a pita in general I'd message back and say you're looking forward to hanging out again soon.

GigglingLips · 04/01/2025 16:37

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Ladybyrd · 04/01/2025 16:37

Maybe she was worried you felt left out? I wouldn't worry about it though. No obligation to sit there all day. Maybe if you arrived there together she was assuming you'd leave together too - really doesn't matter though.

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/01/2025 16:37

Why do you go to church with her that's a bit weird. I'd not go to church with any of my religious mates as a social outing... why not just meet for coffee...

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/01/2025 17:04

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Exactly. She was rude to let her chitchat go on so long.

username299 · 04/01/2025 17:12

What usually happens after church? Do you normally go your separate ways or do you go for coffee?

kiwiane · 04/01/2025 17:38

Do what you want to do and I wouldn’t attend church with her if you’re not a believer; she was rude to leave you out of their conversation.

luckylavender · 04/01/2025 17:45

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/01/2025 16:37

Why do you go to church with her that's a bit weird. I'd not go to church with any of my religious mates as a social outing... why not just meet for coffee...

Not the point

Dearg · 04/01/2025 17:48

It was pretty rude of her to chat to someone else for 10 minutes without trying to draw you into the conversation. But, it’s not a big deal - you didn’t flounce, you said your goodbyes and left.

ginasevern · 04/01/2025 18:10

If someone attended something with me - swimming, a sporting event, a cinema trip or whatever, I'd assume they wouldn't be scooting off immediately afterwards unless they'd previously made it obvious. Do you usually do something together after the service? I don't suppose your friend realised you felt marginalised and I'm sure we've all done similar things. I know I have. I think this was just a case of cross wires.

knittedosocks · 04/01/2025 19:38

As others have said, crossed wires.
It was probably because she had envisioned your meet up in a different way.

Would you have possibly stayed longer if you had been in a coffee shop say?
I personally wouldn't have felt 100% comfortable in church, nothing major but just not religious. In that situation, if I felt that my presence was to help and support friend for whatever reason, and then she proceeded to chat away for a prolonged time with someone else, then I might have felt like leaving if it went on for too long.

However I would probably have had more patience if we had been in a place where I felt more at ease, where I wasn't there to support her and where I could also be made part of the conversation.

MuggleMe · 04/01/2025 19:44

The chatting after the service is as much part of church as the actual service, but it was rude not to include you.

Endofyear · 04/01/2025 22:05

Was the actual church service finished when you left? If so, I don't think it was rude unless she was expecting a lift home or to go for coffee or something afterwards if that's what you usually do. I would just message her back and say sorry, crossed wires, I really had to dash off as I had things to do. If she's still upset about it after you've apologised, I think that's her problem!

RawBloomers · 10/01/2025 04:22

What normally happens when you attend church with her?

I think her talking to someone for more than 10 minutes without bothering to include you in the conversation was really quite rude of her. If she had good reason to think you’d be doing something together after then just saying goodbye was a bit rude. Far better to remind her of her obligations by inserting yourself into the conversation a bit. But that takes some skill and not everyone is really up for it. I would just respond saying something like you were sorry but felt really uncomfortable being left to yourself for so long when you don’t feel like you belong there.

If you normally go your separate ways at the end of the service then you leaving was not rude and I would be quite put out at her message and probably tell her so.

MumChp · 10/01/2025 04:32

If I was left on my own for 10 minutes I would had said goodbuy too. You weren't rude.

Stressheadshouldbeinbed · 10/01/2025 04:58

In our (very small) church, the chatting afterwards is almost considered part of the service but I can understand why you had to dash off. It probably would have helped if she’d included you in the conversation with her friend. I guess she expected you to wait until she was ready to leave?

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 05:38

She was rude not to include you in the conversation and just leave you sitting there like a lemon.

crockofshite · 10/01/2025 06:21

It doesn't matter where the incident took place.

Friend was rude to turn her back on OP and not to include her in the general chit chat. Was OP even introduced?

HoraceCope · 10/01/2025 06:22

no you were not rude but did you have to leave, were you miffed?

WhatNoRaisins · 10/01/2025 06:40

It's like a face to face version of when you're out with a friend and their phone rings and you're left sat like a lemon for a period while they chat to someone else. I don't think that you were unreasonable to make polite excuses and leave.

CosyLemur · 10/01/2025 07:17

I'd find it odd that you'd left like that, if you don't normally. I'd be worried that I'd upset you or something. Also I do think it's strange that you go a few times a year and didn't realise that there would be chat, coffee and cake after the service.

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 07:23

Honestly, I’m more interested in you going to a church service with a friend because she’s a devout believer! I wouldn’t give any of the rest of it a second thought.

SlovenlyOldSlut · 10/01/2025 07:29

She was annoyed because after the service was when she planned to work on you - to tell you what a lovely sense of community you’d get from the church, how it can bring such positive energy to your life… she’d smelled a new recruit and was pissed off when she realised you weren’t sticking around for her to begin her soft sell.

BagelandEggs · 10/01/2025 08:38

I think it is rude to chat to someone else for ages leaving you hanging on. Sometimes it's a bit of a power trip or not done deliberately but still thoughtless, so you ending the situation and leaving made them realise they were leaving you out and probably made them feel a bit bad, hopefully! 😁

Emmz1510 · 10/01/2025 08:51

Why on earth would a non believing/no church going person attend church for any reason apart from a wedding, christening or funeral? That in itself sounds a strange activity to do with a friend? Do you usually let her call the shots over what you do together?

But no you weren’t rude. She was, for sitting nattering with a friend when the service was clearly over (?) and ignoring you.