Family estrangement

[ChirpyGreenQuoter]

How can a family survive a long distance relationship? Parents live 6000 miles away for 20 years. Relationship with grandchildren ok when young, but now pretty non existent due to distance. Been on the periphery of their lives far too long. Tried our very best to keep visiting etc. But expensive. They never came back to visit us. How can u fix this?

You can't.

Schedule zoom catch ups? A certain day every week without fail?

They won’t zoom

Honestly...you can't. Your parents made a decision 20 years ago to move abroad, that was their choice and unfortunately this is a consequence of that choice. You've visited over the years and tried to have some kind of relationship with them. Try to schedule regular phone calls, ask your children to call them too but ultimately you can do no more.

Your parents need to put effort in too. It works both ways. Do your parents know you'd like the relationship be different? Have a chat with them letting them know how you feel and then it's up to them.

I’ve encouraged my children constantly. Was easier when they were young. “Why don’t you give grandad a call?” But now at mid twenties, they’re their own men. I encourage an email here and there but not much comes of it.

I’ve tried to get them to set up WhatsApp - but they’re not interested in ‘looking at my phone all day’

I’m sorry. That sounds so painful. Perhaps seek some therapeutic support to talk through the feelings of abandonment. All you can do is accept the reality of their lack of care and move forwards with supporting yourself with that.

How can u fix this?

You can't, as pp said. They don't want to put in the effort so you are flogging a dead horse I'm afraid.

You need to let it go. They live 6000 miles away. They don't want to Zoom with you, they don't want a What'sapp group, they don't want to visit you. They left you behind and moved in with their lives, without you.
I'm sorry to be brutal but their is no relationship there to work on. It's gone

This…..the relationship is done…..they don’t want it….can’t see why you are even bothering🤷‍♀️

They moved away, they don't visit and they don't want to use technology to stay in touch.

OP, you need to accept that they have no interest in maintaining a relationship with your and your family.

Maybe see if you can access some counselling to process this and focus on your own life and family rather than wasting anymore time in people who just don't care.

Hard to take - knowing you and your family weren’t good enough to stick around

Let it go. It takes everyone to be onboard to make something work.
It's not down to one person.

Perhaps revert to old fashioned letter writing ? Enclose some pictures of your sons . It may be a method they would be be more comfortable with . Otherwise you can't really force people to keep in touch . Did they raise you in the UK and then leave? Return to homeland? Trying to think why they would move so far away .

raised in UK. Three daughters. Moved away when grandkids were 3 and 4 and one on the way. Took our only grandparent with them too. Wanted a better climate

Because they refuse to use technology they're missing out on so much. How do you stay in touch with them now - letters, phone, email? Maybe they're unable to use new tech because they have health issues with sight, hearing or memory. I'd let them know you would like more frequent and better communication. If no response then they're reaping what they sowed. Also young adults are busy getting on with their own lives and unlikely to contact older relatives - especially if they've not grown up around them.

They may like you and the gkids very much but from a distance. Introverts versus extroverts. I would keep sending them regular updates - perhaps by snail mail with photos, cards etc. Tell them you love them and don't forget them. But don't bother them - they are obviously not keen on close communicaiton. Encourage the kids to visit them if they are ever in their direction. Don't feel obliged to take care of them or look after them when they get older and ill. And expect a nice inheritance some day.

Of course it is. But it's probably then, rather than you.

Meh. You or they move away, that's what happens. I've whatsapped my sister a few times this year, the kids don't know each other, the time difference is a pita. It's not estrangement, it's situationship. If you move you move.

Mum and I use messenger to chat to my brother in NZ. Mum refuses to do video calls (as she finds it too upsetting) but is happy to use it like a phone. Otherwise it’s email and letters. It depends how set in their ways they are and whether they can use technology. And whether they want to, sadly. 💐