Not forcing my son to have more time with his dad?

[ProfessorZ]

DS is 10. Until 18 months ago, he didn’t stay with his father at all overnight, this was because he was in a house share with 6 other men and he didn’t feel it appropriate, as DS would have had to sleep on a sofa or in his dad’s bed. DS also didn’t want to sleepover there and I did not think it was safe. He also has ASD and didn’t want to be around lots of random people.

We had many years of DS crying when it was his dad’s weekend and not wanting to go.

4 months ago, DS’s dad moved into his own flat. It is one bedroom, and again involves DS sleeping on a sofa or in his dad’s bed. DS is ‘happier’ with this, although says he misses his bedroom at home and having his own space. He still grumbles every time it is his dad’s weekend and he has agreed to stay one night every fortnight.

DS’s dad has today approached me upon picking up DS and said he needs two nights a fortnight as it’s not quality time having one night, and he cannot afford the child maintenance bill and having him 2 nights will reduce his liability. I’m all for him seeing DS more, but DS categorically doesn’t want to stay for more nights, and I don’t think at 10 (or any age really) I should force him.

DS’s dad is a teacher and has just had the lengthy Christmas period. He had DS for one night and did not see him outside of that. I can only think this new suggestion is money motivated to reduce the child maintenance bill, otherwise he would have seen him during the almost 3 weeks we’ve just had off.

DS also got a phone for Christmas and his dad hasn’t phoned or texted him once, again, just adding evidence that I don’t believe this is about their relationship and ‘quality time’.

AIBU to leave it up to DS and not to force him to go for more nights?

"Ds is content with one night per week. If and when your circumstances change and he can have his own proper space to sleep, he may feel inclined to visit more"

I’d just go back to him and say you’d love to support more time between dad and son so let’s make a plan how we can navigate this with more contact until your son feels more ready to spend the extra night. If he really wants this extra time he will put the effort in and show up as a dad, if he doesn’t then things stay the same. I mean surely the ex could at least invest in a sofa bed for him to sleep on and give your son his bed when he stays over, there seems to be zero consideration for his needs so far 😕
it’s soooo important for kids to feel heard, it’s great you’re putting your sons feelings first.
have you asked your son if he has any thoughts on what might make things easier to stay an extra night?

When I speak to my son he says he likes his own room and own bed and he doesn’t have anywhere to go when he’s at his dad’s house. My DS enjoys his own company and spends time reading, playing video games, watching telly. I don’t think he enjoys the demands of having to ‘perform’ whilst he’s with his dad and be sociable because there is nowhere he can escape to. His dad also doesn’t understand his ASD at all (I actually suspect he’s also autistic) so he doesn’t understand DS’s needs very well, again compounding the issues with their relationship.

I have suggested to his dad that he could make DS feel more comfortable by having bedding specially for him, a teddy, books, general things for him at his house but this has all fallen on deaf ears. When he goes to his dad he packs a sleepover bag.

He still doesn't have adequate housing for his 10yr old son, so no i wouldn't be forcing my child with ASD to stay when it is of no benefit to him.
He can step up and make time for his son in the week for a considerable amount of time whilst looking for a 2 bed place and then talk to DS about spending 2 nights with his dad but I wouldn't be bothered about his financial situation, that's his problem to fix not yours and your DSs.

You've done what you can to explain it to ex and suggest ways to make ds feel more willing to visit. Balls in his court now. If he keeps banging on about it, say no. What's he going to do? Go to court? Sounds like you have plenty of info on how you actually have tried and quite how little ex has tried.

Benefits of a CA0 are that its court ordered. And before the order is put in place CAFCASS will speak to you, the father and in some cases the child and make recommendations to the court
I'm currently going through the process of amending my CAO as my DCs don't want to have such a rigid arrangement forced upon them.
The court so far has said they are old enough to have autonomy as they are 13 and 15 - and I have maintained the same mantra with exH and all court officials that I will not stop them from seeing their father, nor will I force them to if they don't want to.
All a CAO will say is that you must not obstruct what is court ordered x

You can gently encourage your son but I think that if you insist/force your son to go then it will be you that will bear the brunt of his unhappiness. In trying to ensure their closeness you could be breaking your own closeness unfortunately.

Suggest DH and DS do a video call midweek to chat. Encourage regular texting between the two. Suggest DH pays for a cheap travel lodge near you so he can see DS for two days quality time but DS has the option to come home to sleep. Say they need to re bond properly first but if DS wants overnight at his father's place then you will have no objection (sometimes you have to explicitly write this out). Then let DH make the first move as he is the one who wants change. The change in cms will only happen after at least 6 months of solid contact. Let's see how committed this father actually is.

Agree that a CAO is on no value to the resident parent unless your ex has form for not returning DS.

My eldest will be coming up for 10 by the time my ex has a chance of getting out of a house share. I doubt he will want to spend more on getting somewhere with more than one bedroom though (we have 3 children). I won't be forcing my eldest. The younger two will depend on what sort of sleeping set up there is - I won't allow forced bed sharing either with each other (boy/girl) or with their dad by that age either (ie if there is no spare room for the children to sleep in and they have no choice except to share).
I've always said I won't frustrate their relationship with him but I'm not going to go out of my way to facilitate it either especially if it's to what I think is the children's detriment

I had it written into our (non-uk) separation order that any contact was with the agreement of the children. I will not damage my relationship with them by forcing them to see their dad.

Early on, I always said that I was open to increased contact, but that it was up to the kids, and I suggested that continued, regular contact would be a good way to get there (it took nearly 2 years for my youngest to agree to see his dad again, and that is with me giving gentle encouragement despite not committing to doing that)

Contact at all costs doesn't benefit the child. If the child finds it inconvenient and uncomfortable, of course he doesn't want to stay longer, and it's up to dad to find a way to change that.

YANBU to leave this entirely in his hands to negotiate with your son, and to make it clear to your son that this is his choice and that you'll support that.

Would your son be willing to do there and extra night for dinner but not sleep over?

If he wants to reduce his maintenance then would you be prepared to offer to charge the maintenance as if he stayed over one night a week on the condition that he always feeds him dinner and drops him
Home at least one night midweek and also he needs to take on expenses and the hassle for something eg swimming lessons or opticians or dentist

Or also that dad does all the daytime childcare in the school holds