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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Memorial Gathering doubts

20 replies

Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 22:46

Hi Everyone - Looking for advice. Here is some background…

DD passed 4 weeks ago after a very difficult 6 months. He had a fall and severe brain injury and was 80 years old. I am his only child.

He has 4 siblings. He had very minimal contact with all except 1 brother who he spent time with fishing. He really didn’t see the others for years but they hadn’t fallen out. They all live close by to each other but I guess that’s how they were. I hadn’t seen them for many, many years.

When DD was poorly in hospital, I made contact with my Uncle who and kept the family updated via him as DD was in and out of ICU and gravely ill. They visited him in hospital every 3/4 weeks and sometimes I would see them in passing.

DD eventually moved to a nursing home. He was in a bad way physically & cognitively. He was there for 77 days before he passed away suddenly. It was a very traumatic time for him and me. I visited daily and those visits were the hardest thing I have ever had do.

I have had mixed emotions along the way. Some of the interactions with his family have angered/upset me eg. my aunt blaming staff when DD deteriorated, telling consultants in an end of life meeting that they can cure DD as she had seen them do it on tv! Walking into a meeting with DDs doctor demanding to know why they weren’t feeding him (they were feeding him). She also told me many times how much she had spent in taxis to the hospital. I did my best to respect their feelings but it wasn’t easy.

When DD was moved to the nursing home he was even more confused and upset. They visited him twice in 77 days and then called me to tell me they didn’t like the care he was receiving.

Their complaints were due to ignorance, not because DD wasn’t being cared for IE. DD has had nothing to eat or drink (DD was PEG fed so gets it via the tube and I explained this many times) Unfortunately, they just weren’t there often enough to understand what was going on and I tried to tell them but they didn’t listen or want to understand I know it’s heartbreaking and difficult but it was for me too. I did the best I could for him with very little help from them.

So DD has had a direct cremation. I let the family know but got the feeling they didn’t like it. I spent time with my family remembering him, laughing at good times and looking through photographs.

My uncle wants us all to get together in a pub to remember him. I don’t want to. They are strangers really and I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I am sure they will have some complaints. I am also emotionally exhausted and don’t want to talk about things with them. I never knew about their relationship with him before he died so why reminisce now.

I feel sure DD wouldn’t have wanted a gathering, he never told me he did but I know they may get peace from it.

Am I doing the right thing? Might I miss out on something? How do I tell them without offending anyone?

thanks x

OP posts:
POTC · 03/01/2025 22:48

I'm assuming DD means your father? It's usually used for daughter so just checking.
Do what feels right for you, you're his next of kin. If they want to arrange something themselves they could.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 22:49

@POTC yes, no good with this 🤣

OP posts:
crockofshite · 03/01/2025 22:51

Absolutely don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.

The siblings can organise whatever they want but you don't have to attend.

Willowkins · 03/01/2025 22:54

There's nothing to stop your Dad's family from getting together and raising a glass in his memory but you don't have to go if you don't want to. It's your decision and you don't need their approval or disapproval.
Maybe if you're feeling up to it, send them a nice photo in a frame that they can gather round.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 22:57

@crockofshite his siblings always liked a gathering and I respect their need for this. My Dad and I are the opposite. Also, I did feel some disappointment that they didn’t show up fully for Dad or me. I have accepted these feelings and hold no animosity but I don’t want to form relationships with them. Does that make any sense? It’s very difficult for me to explain my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 22:59

@Willowkins that’s a great idea.
How should I approach it? I want to be honest and don’t want to offend anyone.

OP posts:
HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 03/01/2025 23:00

I'd reply and say something like "thank you for arranging this. It's nice you want to remember my dad. Unfortunately I can't attend as my grief is too raw but I hope you all enjoy the chance to reminisce".

Then fade away from those that you don't want to see going forward.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/01/2025 23:03

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Honestly, just do what feels right for you. If you can say to your uncle that you really don't feel up to the gathering but they can feel free to go ahead without you. Or say you'll go and then message later and say you're having a really rough day and just going to take it easy and stay home.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 23:08

@TimeForTeaAndG thank you. I don’t want to give them a reason to rearrange so that I can attend. I need to remember my Dad in my own way. I am still dealing with everything and I am very up and down. I don’t want to hear them complain about his care. It hurts because I did everything I could to advocate for him. They have their own views but they are based on a few visits and not the full picture.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 03/01/2025 23:11

They can have their gathering without you. It would probably be easiest to just not show up.

Saz12 · 03/01/2025 23:13

It can be very traumatic watching a parent ebb away.And I absolutely get he feeling of anger in thinking that when you and him needed them around, they weren't there. So, OP, just be kind to yourself, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Message them a kind note like "I'm happy to know you're all going to meet up to remember him. I'm not in a good place to attend, but delighted for you to go ahead without me there".

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 23:20

@Saz12 you wonder if your anger is misplaced because it’s such an emotional time but my feelings are just that, my feelings and I have to acknowledge them. I guess I was hoping for our family to rally and support but it didn’t happen. To make matters worse, they made things harder at times.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 03/01/2025 23:24

Yep - sadly I know just how it can feel. Time does help (a lot). Clearing the air might also help, but that could easily end with words that shouldn't be said.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 03/01/2025 23:33

@Saz12 it’s difficult because I wanted them to be there for him. I don’t buy the “well it’s difficult seeing him like that” rubbish. You put your feelings aside, put a game face on and do your crying when you get home. They have to live with their choices.

OP posts:
4pmfireworks · 03/01/2025 23:38

I think you've had a couple of good ways to respond in this thread OP. Happy for them to meet up and remember their brother, but you won't be joining them. Don't over-explain.

BBQPete · 04/01/2025 00:18

Saz12 · 03/01/2025 23:13

It can be very traumatic watching a parent ebb away.And I absolutely get he feeling of anger in thinking that when you and him needed them around, they weren't there. So, OP, just be kind to yourself, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Message them a kind note like "I'm happy to know you're all going to meet up to remember him. I'm not in a good place to attend, but delighted for you to go ahead without me there".

This.

I don't think AIBU is a good place to put this. It can be brutal here.

I do think that most people do need a gathering of some kind. For many decades (centuries?) this has been a funeral service and either a wake (in some parts of the country, before the funeral) or a 'tea' after the funeral. Many people feel lost if there isn't a chance to sit together and think about the person and mourn their passing.

You decided not to offer this to any of his family who were still in touch and had clearly grown up with him and known him for 80 odd years. It is understandable that they are now trying to arrange something. To me it seems a shame that you are closed to this as it can be quite cathartic, hearing the "do you remember when...." stories.
When each of my parents died, we took a huge amount of comfort from seeing that other people loved them and would miss them. We didn't even know some of the people, so it was lovely to see them and hear things they had to say.

Of course it is up to you. I'm not going to say you are being unreasonable as I don't think you are - I think we each have to deal with grief in the way that is right for us. But that includes his siblings and presumably nieces and nephews and friends too. As an only child it seems short sighted to cut yourself off from your wider family at this time.

crockofshite · 04/01/2025 06:39

BBQPete · 04/01/2025 00:18

This.

I don't think AIBU is a good place to put this. It can be brutal here.

I do think that most people do need a gathering of some kind. For many decades (centuries?) this has been a funeral service and either a wake (in some parts of the country, before the funeral) or a 'tea' after the funeral. Many people feel lost if there isn't a chance to sit together and think about the person and mourn their passing.

You decided not to offer this to any of his family who were still in touch and had clearly grown up with him and known him for 80 odd years. It is understandable that they are now trying to arrange something. To me it seems a shame that you are closed to this as it can be quite cathartic, hearing the "do you remember when...." stories.
When each of my parents died, we took a huge amount of comfort from seeing that other people loved them and would miss them. We didn't even know some of the people, so it was lovely to see them and hear things they had to say.

Of course it is up to you. I'm not going to say you are being unreasonable as I don't think you are - I think we each have to deal with grief in the way that is right for us. But that includes his siblings and presumably nieces and nephews and friends too. As an only child it seems short sighted to cut yourself off from your wider family at this time.

Show quote history

The siblings weren't there for their brother or niece in any meaningful way while he was alive or later when he was dying. It's performative grief. Let them get on with it but OP doesn't have to be part of it for their benefit. It may help them come to terms with their relationship but it's not going to do anything for OP.

TheSandgroper · 04/01/2025 07:46

Don’t say too much and nothing about yourself. “If you are planning to hold a family gathering, Please accept my apologies now. I won’t be there”.

And make that the last of it from your end. FGS, don’t mention your grief or anything. This need not be a discussion.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 04/01/2025 09:50

@BBQPete thank you for you honest post. I do see the need for some people to have closure.

I must correct you on one point - I didn’t decide to not offer a service or memorial- my Dad decided this and I had to honour his wishes.

I would not deny anyone this but it has to be right for me. I have grieved my dad whilst he was alive not just when he passed. I don’t need their memories for comfort. He was never close to them and they didn’t show up for him or me in the 6 months that he was in and out of ICU and on end of life.

Your post has given me food for thought. Maybe I will need to have a good think about this. Thank you for giving me an alternative view.

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 04/01/2025 10:05

You don't have to take part in anything you aren't comfortable with but equally it's their brother so have every right to organise some sort of memorial as having nothing for them is unfair too.

Visiting twice in 77 days is monthly, it's doesn't sound unreasonable and talking about taxi fares or other mundane can be to avoid talking about feelings, don't take that personally.

You are all grieving so I would find a middle ground

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