To let my 6 year old play video games unrestricted?

[AmberCC]

I always thought I'd resist or restrict video games for as long as possible.

I have a 6 year old autistic son with learning difficulties, he has hardly any friends, plays in a challenging/rigid way, struggles with school. He is physically active though and he hugely enjoys swimming - we go 3 times a week and he likes the park

He loves to game. It all pattern based stuff, nothing inappropriate. He is really really good at it and is so calm when playing. He's becoming obsessed with games already, talking about them a lot.

Do I just let it happen? he just doesn't want to play or hang out with other kids. He will do physical stuff but stuff on his own - like swimming.

But if I don't encourage friendships and social time - am I failing him?

You can do both can’t you? Encourage social opportunities that work for him and allow gaming?

Just restrict to sensible age appropriate games and a healthy time limit per day and/or per week. Why on earth would you let him play unrestricted at such a young age?

@MrsJamin because he is so unhappy in some many situations except swimming, park and gaming. He doesn't want to go to kid parties or play with anything or anyone. It's so nice to see him so happy and calm when he's gaming - I feel like I'm restricting it for the sake of it.

you can encourage a healthy relationship with games teach about online safety,teach that its fine to have fun but if it gets stressful its not fun walk away,teach gaming is fine unless its after bedtime you need sleep and make sure games are age appropriate.

There's also table top gaming which for people who dont like big social groups/social gatherings find easier to socialize.Unfortunately finding suitable groups can be tricky .Table top gaming is were a small group of people play together as a group playing table top games.

Some people as they get older realize they dont like large social gatherings its to much .They find different social groups which are more like them people like that tend to enjoy dnd type games ,video gaming and stuff like warhammer models .Look online see what other types of gaming he may enjoy it may help him down the line find other people like himself .You may not be able to help him socialize now but encouraging a variety of hobbys may help him find people to enjoy it with later down the line

You are restricting it for health though, eye health and the need to be physically active. Whilst screens don't make your eyes go square they do cause myopic deterioration which happens quicker in children and teens than it does with adults. So just like you have rules on teeth brushing for dental health you need to have the same for his ocular health.

It is better to have strong boundaries for autistic (and all) children if you allow him to use it all the time then you won't be able to claw it back without massive challenges.

What he does play ensures it is age appropriate or educational like Scratch and learning to programme and make his own games. You can then get the paints or pens out and draw and design characters for his game. A notebook out to write the story for his game. Activities can be game centric but not always on a screen.

Is he interested in art, modelling, creating stuff, drawing?

All things that he can alone at home but away from any screens.

Depends what you mean by unrestricted, all day every day no, an hour or two or even three on a quiet mostly home day after swimming/walk/bike ride etc. I'd be offering small one on one structured play opportunities or play alongside opportunities regularly IE at a Lego building session or a games meet up at library etc. As I wouldn't like to discourage all interactions with others and there may be a time where he wants friends.

I'd also be playing alongside/with my child.

As pp asked, do you game with your child? That might help build social skills without him realising.

I'd use the game towards the end of the day.
Get information from the library, museums, art galleries and nature reserves on which groups they run for DC age. The groups will probably run activities like Lego, 'build a hedgehog house', draw your own picture in the style of.... And this will allow him a shared experience alongside the other children not with them and are likely to attract quieter children so less sensory overload. I used to volunteer at a Bushcraft club a situational mute autistic child used to go, he spent alot of time just watching and not joining in, eventually he started to take part and after about a year he started to talk to me and it's 8 years on and he helps lead the juniors session now because it's 'his' place and everything is familiar to him.

If he is physical then find your nearest climbing/ bouldering centre, skate board park with instruction. Being alongside his peers even if he isn't interacting directly with them is important

Then after a busy day, use the computer to chill him out as his down time. My DD is older and uses Spotify and Garage band

Are there any clubs that would incorporate the two around your area.
Dd6 attends a social group for children with autism weekly but there are also gaming and Lego clubs as part of this autism centre.

I do agree that some health based restrictions are needed (eyes and necks in particular)

Age appropriate games only.

He will be very vulnerable playing online with strangers so I'd avoid that

I also agree it will be very hard to reduce at a later stage.

But I think gaming, is something a lot of children with asd really enjoy as the rules and structure are clear. It can even be a bridge to some social interactions.

Cahms were pretty positive about my son gaming at 8.

So I don't think you need to be overly restrictive at all.

My ASD son is 6 and loves video games, but we have quite strict rules surrounding it. He can game on weekend afternoons if homework and exercise has been done, and Friday afternoon after school if he’s had a good week at school (ie no school refusal or violence). And obviously only age appropriate games like Minecraft on creative mode, Astro’s Playroom etc. Minecraft in particular is really popular at his age so it gives him and other boys something in common which is nice when he’s quite socially awkward!

I think if managed well it’s not a bad thing personally. His older sister is 8 and they play together really nicely building stuff together in Minecraft, it’s lovely to watch.

How many hours per day are we talking about?

Please, please at least limit by time. It doesn't have to be an hour or two only but could be a 15 minute pause for every hour he is playing, for example.

I have a 14yo sen son who cannot self regulate his own gaming time. If we try and tell him it's time to come off, even with much younger age limit games, he can fly into a rage if he 'disconnects' from real life for too long. We set a time limit on his device and it warns him when he is getting close. He accepts the console telling him much better than us, even though he knows we control it. We talk to him about good and bad choices and what we see when he spends too much time in a game.

I also work in an environment supporting neurodivergent adults, some of whom don't know how to occupy themselves if they are not on a console - these are grown adults and in some cases the consoles have been a direct influence in very poor life choices leading to criminal convictions. Not to scare you but to be realistic.

Whether we like it or not, we have to prepare our children for society. I'm not saying our children have to change, but we need to give them the skills to understand right from wrong, games from real life. Consequences of actions. If we allow them to always escape into fantasy, where a game can be re started and everything is ok, back to 'normal', we are doing them a great disservice.

In time, your son will hopefully find his tribe - that core group of people who get him, and who he gets.

Something which might help, but isn't strictly gaming is this [] https://www.mscroggs.co.uk/menace/]]. I am using this as an alternative to consoles for individuals who have that logical, analytical brain but who cannot access a computer as much as they would like. I'm cautiously optimistic about its success.

I’d say you have to take control and restrict it. Don’t rely on it for a crutch just so you get peace and quiet. I have to restrict and place boundaries for my autistic DS. If I don’t there will be too much repetitive behaviour and he ends up not focusing on other things that are just as important. When he’s an adult it will be good for him to have had boundaries and rules in place throughout childhood, it will give him better understanding around these things.

Just let him play and have fun. You've said it's age appropriate so don't worry! This constant need to get kids off games all the time is sad. You've said he swims lots and is active and goes to school. If he's finding school difficult, and other things, maybe gaming is like a comfort blanket. That's ok.

Kids don't need to be physically active every second of the day. They are allowed their own down time to do as they please sometimes. Me and my brother spent hours and hours playing playstation and pc games growing up - I have a good job and lovely family and he has an amazing job and is the most intelligent person I know. As long as it's in a healthy way, so not effecting his eating or sleeping or school etc I don't understand the issue.

The big problem with this kind of gaming is that he misses out on time doing other things that let him learn more skills. Things like

• help you with a chore (fold laundry / laundry the table etc)
• draw or colour
• build Lego or similar
• talk with you

If he has time to do those things too, then a bit of screen time is ok. But if he has his games all the time at home and misses out on other things, he will miss a lot of learning.

And it will be much harder to restrict the screen time in a few years when he is bigger and stronger.

As an adult I have had bouts of getting extremely addicted to gaming as well as hours and hours on YouTube and MN. I can only speak for myself but it literally rots my brain.

I would be doing everything in my power to keep an ND child away from gaming to be honest. I would focus on outdoors, physical activity, light socialising, indoor activities as others have suggested painting, drawing, Lego. Very limited screen time as a treat. Nurture other hobbies in addition to screens.

Thank you for all this advice. I've found it really helpful

He's struggled with stuff from the first time I even took him to a baby group and he hated it. He's hated so many activities I've taken him to and finds school so hard, I've really seen his confidence and happiness increase when he can quickly navigate a new game and it makes sense to him. But I absolutely get what everyone is saying. I don't want him to disengage further from people at all. But other kids don't want to play with him and it makes him so miserable

I've worked with kids who have unrestricted access to gaming. Many are under assessment for ASD.

I guess it depends on what you mean by unrestricted or what other activities they do at home- other than swimming.

The kids I work with generally struggle with sleep, because the only means to calm and relax them is a device, and we know the light from them interrupts your circadian rhythms and wakes you up so you end up in a vicious circle of calming making you more alert.

They also learn that the device, not a person is the most reliable and consistent thing in their life and the only way to co-regulate. For an autistic youngster who struggles with social communication, it is much easier to avoid people, but long-term, will they have any strategies for engaging with others? Finding communication difficult surely requires much more effort to try and find ways for people to engage with others in whatever way they can. If the child is attached to a device, things like floor time or intensive interaction which can build communication, become doubly challenging.

Using a device rather than real world objects means they can have really poor fine motor skills and then whiting, dressing etc become much more difficult.

There are some really good ideas on this thread about using his gaming interests on paper, models etc which give him non screen activities which relate to his interests.

I'm not saying it's easy, but for your future-adult child to have independence, it's really important to engage in things other than a screen.

Thank you @golemmings that's really helpful.

My mums friend has a son who is 42 and lives at home and he just games 14 hours a day. He seems v happy with this set up. I don't want to judge but I don't want that for DS future - but then I also think maybe anyone can live any way they like. Maybe playing games all day is genuinely better for him than having a social circle or leaving the house

As I say DS is super physical. He likes swimming but also climbing. He is terrifying brave and v strong!

It's other people we have real resistance around. He does try but other kids avoid him at all costs. He doesnt hit but he's v intense and physically close with others and I just see kids run away from hom

Is he better with one other child with a very structured shared interest? Rather than a group of just playing. So for instance if he likes climbing is there someone he does that with?

Also is he seeing any other people with his presentation of autism. Sometimes (but not always) they can connect as they are at a similar developmental stage. Eg still playing alongside rather than with.

Any chance of an instrument? That gives immediate feedback and can be a solo pursuit but if you mix the interaction is structured. It's quite like gaming with levels!