Let a friend in

[NMc16]

Myself and a friend fell out over Covid. When I went to a friends 30th party in the summer when restrictions were lifted he found out and had a go that I shouldn’t be doing this and that . I told him to do one and not his business. Recently we got in touch. He has stopped drinking which is were the majority of problems seemed to lie as he had made up a lot of rumours about my friends and I just cut him off. He is now sober but can’t help but feel his life is still a drama and always ‘something bad’ happening to him or exaggeration of stories. He has a habit a bit of over sharing and I find he still has a lot of issues. He brings up a lot about the past. I don’t know if I want to be around his constant dramas or hear about them. I’ve decided to keep him at a distance. I’ve built up quite a wall around certain people. Am I right to let him back in?

Who you are as a person doesn't change when you get sober.

Some aspects of your behaviour might, but not core behaviours and values.

I'm still the same sober as I was at rock bottom, and neither times have I beem a gossipy drama queen. He won't of changed that much.

It sounds like he is a ‘dry drunk’ - he has stopped drinking but not changed the behaviour he had while drinking. Why do you want to be friends with him? What exactly will he add to your life?

Honestly I’m not sure. I was curious to meet up but after the few occasions we have I’m jusT not sure

I'd run a mile, I have had a few friends like that, your life will be easier without being dragged down/into the dramas.

I’ve learnt that people hadn’t changed when I let them back in so now I don’t once the door has closed. It’s never the same.

im also pregnant and want to have people around me that are positive and uplifting. Im 33. I don’t need all this. He doesn’t know where I live nor will I be telling him. He has a rough idea. He has came to a previous address knocking on my door at 3am intoxicated. I don’t want that. I thought he was hinting to be invited but I let on I was none the wiser. There is still something that does not sit right with me about him

I suggest you cut him out. I've had 5 years of back and forth with my "friend" who would pick fights and create drama, block me just to reappear 8 months later with apologies and assurances that he is a better man and a better friend. Then a couple of months later, another round of abuse, drama and dirt. Rinse and repeat.
I blocked him on everything 5 weeks ago and I feel an amazing sense of control over my life juts from this little act of defiance. I always thought about myself as a sensible and forgiving person but I realised that, instead, I just failed to set boundaries.

You have just said it yourself in your last post. Don't invite this person back into your life. You know what he is like and it doesn't sound like he has changed. Leave the past in the past and look forward to the next chapter in your life with your baby. Make a clean cut and don't look back

I failed to set boundaries with him but my wall is up. I don’t disclose much to him about my friends family or husband or even my address. I’m not sure how to cut the ties.

Yeah, I thought that too for many years. I thought that if I keep my cards close to my chest, it shows that I have boundaries. I had zero because I kept going through the same pattern of forgiving, accepting and being emotionally shat on when he had his next "psychotic break". You cut contact by saying this friendship is not bringing value to your life and you wish him all the best, then blocking him from contacting you again. Once you've done it, you realise it is really very simple.