Tried everything. Why can’t I stop this awful mental health related reaction?

[Lenooan]

I know where it’s all come from. I know why I’m in this place. But no matter what therapy I have or books I read etc I can’t seem to break this.

my emotion are so so strong and can fling from one extreme to another. Not dangerously so and nobody is in danger. But even in my own company I can feel totally out of myself, like I don’t know what emotion is coming next. It’s deep rooted self esteem issues that have the original for this as I have little self respect and just generally feel horrendously anxious. I am on the outside looking in very successful and I think this adds to my anxiety as I don’t feel successful one bit. I don’t know how to rest. It’s go worse as I’ve got older. I’m almost 40 and can’t even sit for half an hour without my kind racing. Then my emotions swing. I am quick to anger and sadness and always feel something terrible is about to happen or that someone is about to emotionally hurt me.

ive really tried everything since I was late twenties. Has anyone overcome this? I feel like there’s a lovely happy person underneath all this but she’s blunted by this veil of horrible emotions that jump out of nowhere.

You need to speak to your GP. I wouldn't look for a diagnosis on mumsnet. If available in your local area, you could also self-refer for counselling.

I felt exactly the same and eventually went to get prescribed sertraline. 6 weeks on I genuinely feel unrecognisable and back to my old self from years ago.

Agree, this sounds like something to raise with your GP. A long term issue with regulation of mood and emotions is something that can possibly be managed with medication.

I'd seek private counselling ( not CBT) and I'd pay.
I'd also consider trialling an antidepressant. Not because you're defective but I believe even if someone is reacting to a life situation and their reaction is normal, something to cushion that pain and struggle is worth trying. ADs can do that. I'd use the lowest dose possible if it's something the GP and you consider trying because side effects can be tough for 6 weeks.

I'd also consider other things - menopause, health conditions, deficiencies.

Have you considered PMDD?

@boulevardofbrokendreamss no I haven’t, I will look at that thank you

Are you having therapy right now? I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very distressing.
You say you know the cause (I presume you've had counselling at other moments) but, in my experience, there's a difference between knowing something at an intellectual/conscious level, and knowing something within your body. I believe we need to integrate what we learn/know about ourselves, but that is not an easy process. Often emotions arise and seem to have a life of their own, but that's because we live disconnected from them/our bodies. Hence why, even though we know the causes of our problems (e.g. childhood abuse), we need to integrate all the emotions we have been denied to this day, and integrate this knowledge. Ongoing therapy, if done well, guides you and accompanies you during this hard process.
I hope I'm making sense.

@WhatUSeeIsWhatUGetthank you! I’ve had lots of therapy. I know where my issues have come from but fixing myself is a bit more challenging. I know I have self esteem issues from childhood. I know how I should treat myself but just can’t seem to do it. I feel out of control emotionally nearly all the time and feel huge anxiety when I get messages on my phone etc. My life feels really hard and I’m so exhausted by it. The gp will offer medication. I never feel i am being fixed.

Another vote for sertraline. I have found it so helpful with my lifelong anxiety. I wish I had taken it many years ago but felt too scared to go for it. Had to hit rock bottom first. I still experience life's ups and downs but I feel I can cope with them.

Oh and I am on the minimum dose...

Could you explore somatic practices relating to vagus nerve which controls your fight/flight/freeze response? Sometimes reframing anxiety as a vagus nerve issue rather than a mental health one and working on the body can be beneficial.

I'm really sorry, it must be very difficult. I understand the feeling of life beig hard as well as the despair of thinking you'll always be like this. I really wish you find your ground: what you describe reminds me of beingin the midst of a maelstrom. If only you had a solid place to hang on while the swirl passes.
I've been having weekly/biweekly therapy sessions for 8 years now, and they are like my rock when I hit times like you describe.
I also agree with other posters: it's definitely worth it to check you phisically as well. It might be PMDD, or even perimenopause/hormonal issues, or similar.
I really wish you find your anchor 🙏💛

I feel like there’s a lovely happy person underneath all this but she’s blunted by this veil of horrible emotions that jump out of nowhere.

Your emotions are triggered by thoughts and feelings, the vast majority of which arise from memories. Whilst they may appear to be random and uncontrollable - and it's true that you can't control what pops into your head at any given moment - it is possible to control what you do with those thoughts and feelings. You just need to know how. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis as there's lots of info on there.

(And you can get that lovely happy person back!).

Have you tried antidepressants? Honestly the one thing I would say to my younger self is, try antidepressants. Literally changed my life for the better.

The gp will offer medication. I never feel i am being fixed.

Take it from someone who has been where you are. Medication can be absolutely wonderful as the first step of getting a grip.
You are "not being fixed" because there is nobody who can fix you. You are the one who is doing all the fixing. Until you recognise that you are the change, nothing will change. Also "fixing" is a nebulous term. You are not a piece of machinery with a broken part. There is nothing to fix. What you need to have clarity around is what recovery looks like for you. If you are happy, successful, healthy person what would your life look like? What would you change and what would you do? Once you know what you want to do (rather than how you want to feel!) you can start making a plan because managing your emotions in the context of "doing" is a lot easier than managing your emotions in vacuum. For example, if I want to be able to start a new class but I am crippled with social anxiety, I might think about ways to gradually build up to this activity. Do I need to look up what the class entails? Do I need to drive by a couple of times to see where it is? Do I need to take a friend to the first session? etc. Managing my anxiety in the context of doing then becomes actionable.
On the other hand, if my goal is just not to "feel anxious", there really aren't a lot of actionable steps coming to me.