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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop family therapy...

19 replies

Usermklpou189 · 03/01/2025 10:16

Ex husband and I separated a year ago, divorced in August. I now have a new home, he stayed in family home.

I left due to emotional abuse, silent treatment, threatening behaviour such as punching wall, slamming chairs.

My DD who is almost 11 refuses to see him and hasn't been on her own with him since April. This is due to him loosing his temper on one occasion and forcing her to stay over at his house when she didn't want to. Also found out recently he has badmouthed me to them.

I have been facilitating contact and going along and taking her to see him, did this for a number of occasions over Xmas. Not sure she is that bothered about seeing him but I have been of the belief that a relationship between them needs to be kept open and she should have the option of she wants it.

Anyway, we have been in family counselling since June. This was originally so ex and DD could talk through issues and try and work on relationship.
She went once and was so upset by the whole thing that she has refused to go back. She did do 6 months of individual counselling before this and said she feels like she has told everyone how she feels and nothing will ever get better with her and her dad. I have supported her and she has been with me full time since.

Since then ex and I have been continuing to see the counselor in order to try and work through some co parenting issues. I am not sure where this is getting us anymore as he just does what he wants anyway. Wants me to keep meeting up with him and taking DD but has refused me to take the kids abroad next year.

I feel like stopping the counselling now as it's very expensive and I'm not sure what we are getting out of it.

Had a message yesterday to say if I stop going then I am consciously stopping him having a relationship with his daughter and I will be hearing from his solicitor this week.

Just after some opinions on if people would continue with it for a bit longer or just stop. When I started my solicitor said courts sometimes order family therapy but surely if the child isn't willing to participate it's pointless.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 03/01/2025 10:45

I think I would respond to him by saying it is not your role to develop the relationship between father & child. It's his.

He is reaping what he sowed over the last decade!

MumChp · 03/01/2025 10:53

It's not your job to sort or mend their relationship. I would stop going.

jeaux90 · 03/01/2025 10:57

I would never advise joint counselling with someone who is abusive. Drop the rope.

jeaux90 · 03/01/2025 10:58

Also do you have a CAO in place? This way he can't then stop you taking DC for holidays abroad.

Haroldwilson · 03/01/2025 10:58

Sounds like he's just mad as hell that you stopped putting up with his shit. Counselling is a way of getting you to put up with his shit.

The holiday thing and badmouthing you suggest he's not acting in good faith. He just wants to hurt you.

Agreed, it's not your job to sort his relationship with his daughter.

Errors · 03/01/2025 10:59

Haroldwilson · 03/01/2025 10:58

Sounds like he's just mad as hell that you stopped putting up with his shit. Counselling is a way of getting you to put up with his shit.

The holiday thing and badmouthing you suggest he's not acting in good faith. He just wants to hurt you.

Agreed, it's not your job to sort his relationship with his daughter.

Agreed. How is stopping you from taking your children abroad in their best interests?

I absolutely loathe parents who use their kids as pawns in their games.

RubyOrca · 03/01/2025 11:07

You need to speak with your solicitor.

Many countries require parental consent for children to be taken out of the country (or into the country) to reduce children being permanently removed where the legal system cannot respond. It has down sides (it can prevent people fleeing violence) but these laws and accompanying international agreements help prevent a parent removing a child from their other parent maliciously. It can also provide a means for a parent to control elements of their ex’s life (stopping them taking kids on holiday / or to visit family etc). I suspect you won’t be able to do anything about this with a child that young.

You can stop counselling, but you have to consider whether your daughter’s father has a case for arguing you aren’t facilitating access (IANAL you need to ask someone who is). It may be that continuing expensive counselling is the cheaper option. Or maybe it’s worth getting a formal custody arrangement that recognises your daughter’s preference and fighting for that. If you’re required to facilitate access then you need to know what else you can do instead that would be accepted if he does take this the legal route.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/01/2025 11:25

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

Ignore his threats. Do whatever is best for you and your daughter. Let him kick-off if he wants to. Your daughter needs your love and protection in the face of an abusive man.

elfshenanigans · 03/01/2025 11:30

He is just continuing his control/abuse. I would stop it.

wouldn't worry about going on holiday abroad. Nobody will check/ask questions. at worse, they will ask DD if you are the parent given her age. Don't let him control your holidays.

MilitantFawcett · 03/01/2025 11:31

Agree with others and get some legal advice on both the counselling and legally formalising access. I’d think at 11 your dd’s opinions would be given some weight?

might also be asking him what he values about the counselling? He doesn’t appear to be engaging with it and I’m assuming he isn’t paying for it either?

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/01/2025 11:34

Had a message yesterday to say if I stop going then I am consciously stopping him having a relationship with his daughter and I will be hearing from his solicitor this week.

You and him sitting in counselling doesn’t constitute him having a relationship with his daughter. That’s his job to facilitate. As a therapist I’d never agree to do family sessions where abuse is a factor, all it does is perpetuate the abuse. I’d stop therapy and seek a formal contact arrangement via court.

52for2025 · 03/01/2025 11:40

He was abusive. You should not do counselling with someone who is abusive. If the counsellor is aware of the previous abuse they should not be allowing this to happen.

Your daughter has good boundaries. You should support her with maintaining whatever boundaries she wants between her and her Dad.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/01/2025 12:07

It's dreadful that the counsellor has allowed this to continue and they should be taken to task. No counselling/mediation should take place with an abusive person. It's just giving him an additional way to continue to be abusive and controlling. You are not responsible for his relationships. That's on him. Do you have a CAO?

jeaux90 · 03/01/2025 13:16

RubyOrca · 03/01/2025 11:07

You need to speak with your solicitor.

Many countries require parental consent for children to be taken out of the country (or into the country) to reduce children being permanently removed where the legal system cannot respond. It has down sides (it can prevent people fleeing violence) but these laws and accompanying international agreements help prevent a parent removing a child from their other parent maliciously. It can also provide a means for a parent to control elements of their ex’s life (stopping them taking kids on holiday / or to visit family etc). I suspect you won’t be able to do anything about this with a child that young.

You can stop counselling, but you have to consider whether your daughter’s father has a case for arguing you aren’t facilitating access (IANAL you need to ask someone who is). It may be that continuing expensive counselling is the cheaper option. Or maybe it’s worth getting a formal custody arrangement that recognises your daughter’s preference and fighting for that. If you’re required to facilitate access then you need to know what else you can do instead that would be accepted if he does take this the legal route.

It's one of the reasons for a CAO which is why some of us are asking.

Original poster
Usermklpou189 · 03/01/2025 13:56

There is no CAO as there is another child who does still have contact with ex.

I have always tried to avoid the legal route as thought it would be better for kids but now not so sure.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 03/01/2025 15:24

Usermklpou189 · 03/01/2025 13:56

There is no CAO as there is another child who does still have contact with ex.

I have always tried to avoid the legal route as thought it would be better for kids but now not so sure.

That doesn't stop you getting a CAO. Is the other child yours? The legal route will stop all this shit and take away threats regarding holidays etc. He can't stop you going away. He'd have to apply for a prohibited steps order and have a damned good reason for doing so. This is what I'd do now. Stop the counselling. That is not going to work and has nothing to do with your daughter having firm boundaries. See a solicitor.

Original poster
Usermklpou189 · 03/01/2025 15:25

Yes my other child sees him 50/50 contact.

Would the courts impose different orders for each child?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 04/01/2025 10:49

She's 11 so has a voice in this.

Main reason for a CAO is of course to work through the RP issue etc but it's also to avoid giving him power over things like holidays OP.

Honestly get some legal advice, a solicitor you trust.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/01/2025 11:45

Usermklpou189 · 03/01/2025 15:25

Yes my other child sees him 50/50 contact.

Would the courts impose different orders for each child?

They may well do as your 11 yo will have a voice.

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