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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social spending

40 replies

Bubble20 · 03/01/2025 00:54

My partner and I frequently disagree on this and I'm wondering which of us, or even if either of us, has a valid point. My partner is not happy that he is unable to go out drinking often as we don't often have the money, I on the other hand go out more as I spend less. He will easily spend at least double what I do. I have suggested a monthly budget for each of us but he says that's unfair as I would get to go out more as I spend less. I suggested he cut down his spending so he can go out more, which he's not happy to do either. He thinks I should only go out as often as he does as we can't afford for him to go out (for example) twice a month, yet his two nights would cost the same as at least 4 nights for me. AIBU to feel I should be able to go out more as my total spend is less

OP posts:
DarkForces · 03/01/2025 07:54

I'd be really worried about this attitude in a long term partner. If you have children how will the costs be shared? You don't have the same priorities and he's completely unwilling to compromise. That's not a good omen for the future

RhaenysRocks · 03/01/2025 07:59

@MolkosTeenageAngst assuming they have young children, what each party earns is not a fair question. Let's assume the H is working ft and earning more ..he can only do that because the op is holding the fort with childcare, school runs etc. A simple "who earns what" comparison is nowhere near the full story.

monkeysox · 03/01/2025 08:04

Same spends budget. Only fair way.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/01/2025 08:07

Do you have children, and living together?

If so, then you should both have the same spending money left after bills to spend on whatever you like.

If no children then you should be paying bills fifty fifty and then whatever is left can spend how you like.

strawberrycrochet · 03/01/2025 08:08

That's ridiculous.

You should each have a monthly budget to spend how you wish.

If he blows it all on one or two nights out, that's his prerogative, but he doesn't get to dictate what you do with yours.

Berga · 03/01/2025 08:15

If you don't have children and you aren't married, you are living together and he is contributing 50% of bills, then how he spends the rest of his money is up to him, and how you spend yours is up to you.

Again, if it's just the two of you, unmarried, then if you are trying to make him stick to a budget you have decided on, then YABU. Unless, you are the higher earner and subsidising him in some way?

Too much detail missing from the OP to advise properly really.

Nina1013 · 03/01/2025 08:26

As others have said, this depends where the ‘social spends’ pot comes from.
If we had a ‘hairdressing’ pot, mine would be 10 x higher than my husband’s.
If we had pots for beauty, makeup, personal care etc then I would be the only one benefitting from them…
And so on.
If you break everything down into ‘pots’ the overall picture is likely to be unfair to him because (as a sweeping generalisation) women tend to spend more on personal care than men etc.

You need a personal spending pot each, where if he wants to spend the whole thing on nights out then that’s up to him, and if you have to split yours between highlights, blow drys, manicures, brow waxing and dinners with friends, that’s up to you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 03/01/2025 09:21

Does he eat more than you at home? If so, cut his food budget too. Cheeky fucker.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/01/2025 09:45

RhaenysRocks · 03/01/2025 07:59

@MolkosTeenageAngst assuming they have young children, what each party earns is not a fair question. Let's assume the H is working ft and earning more ..he can only do that because the op is holding the fort with childcare, school runs etc. A simple "who earns what" comparison is nowhere near the full story.

No mention of children anywhere. I assumed they didn’t have children; if they did then how often each partner goes out (and thus how often the other is left holding the fort alone for the evening) becomes a more complicated question.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions despite no indication they have kids, there’s obviously a lot of info that OP left out. I agree if they have children shared finances and who earns more may not matter, but on the other hand if they have kids then how often they go out and leave the other doing childcare alone does need to be somewhat balanced.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 03/01/2025 12:29

What a joy he sounds. This level of resentment of you having any fun plus the utter pettiness... 🗑️

midgetastic · 03/01/2025 12:51

And spending money seems reasonable - he needs to manage what he has

Why does he spend so much when he goes out ?

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 03/01/2025 13:06

This all sound a very petty. “you’re not allowed to go out more than I am”. Sounds like siblings who don’t get on not a couple.

Have a budget and do whatever you like with it. If he ca t reign in spending at the pub, that’s not a problem you should be punished for

cherish123 · 03/01/2025 13:07

Your money. Spend it how you want. He is your bf, not your dad.

Spidey66 · 03/01/2025 13:11

He's being a prat. It's called budgetting and living within his means. Seems he's got a Wetherspoons budget but an Ivy lifestyle. Tough.....he either goes to the Spoons twice a week or the Ivy twice a month.

JessicafelloffTheKnappett · 03/01/2025 15:25

mrsm43s · 03/01/2025 04:44

As others have said, you should have an equal amount of discretionary spends which you can budget how you like.

I'd expect this to cover clothes, haircuts, beauty, phone, gym membership, hobbies, treats and presents etc as well as nights out.

This is exactly it! We've equal amounts of discretionary spend, but then we have been married for 25 years. DH goes to the barber at least monthly, whereas I only go to the hairdressers every few months (& I still probably spend more 💇‍♀️😆)
I go out more with friends, but we tend to go out for coffee & lunches.... when DH goes out, he goes out out! And usually gets a €50 taxi home!! That curbs his nights out for sure.

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