I think my partner has low emotional intelligence. He deals with conflict by sulking and ignoring me. I have been at the point of breaking up several times over the past few years as I think the relationship is exhausting me, but there is also enough good stuff to stay, and I still have hope that things will improve. Though sometimes I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. We went to counselling earlier this year and it has helped a little bit to show a way ahead, but also showed me just how vast the job is and I don't know if I have enough energy for the relationship anymore. I feel like I'm the only one pushing to make things better. He thinks he is trying. Sometimes I think we need to break and start again in a few years. It's hard to give up. Is that what I need to do?
I would love to hear from people who left as well as people who stayed, worked and the relationship improved... What do you think I should do?
Other details. We have been together for nearly 12 years but he lives separately from me, only with me on days he doesn't have his kids, which is half the time. I have grown up kids. He and his ex wife, (though technically current wife as they have been legally separated since we met, not legally divorced) get on well enough. She had an affair and is still with the other guy. The fact my partner has not divorced from her bothers me a lot and I have told him so many times over the past few years. He has valid excuses (worried about rocking the boat re. kids) but I still feel like he should tie up his loose ends. I don't want to get married but it really bothers me that I'm with someone who's married to someone else! I have been married before and I know it's more than just a bit of paper. Also, there are still strong links between his parents and his ex's parents, gift exchanges with the in-laws, and at a recent family gathering, his mum told a story about the best man speech at his wedding, about his ex getting their funny family name (she wasn't there). It might have been innocuous but I felt really embarrassed and upset at the time. Lots of other little things, all combining to make me petty, jealous, needy, resentful, and with constant internal debate. Not pleasant. On the other hand, when things are good between us they are lovely. Conversation has never been amazing. It's always one sided as he isn't much of a talker, but everything else pretty good. I just wonder if I'm not sure 12 years in, will I ever be?