To think ex blaming his affair on me is grossly unfair?

[Swimminginthedark]

My DS7 returned from his dads. He started telling me that the reason dad left our family was because I didn’t show love to his dad and did not show the affection to his dad that he needed.

Bearing in mind at this time our children were 2 and 4 and ex was away the majority of the years abroad. I was exhausted to the point I was almost at breaking. Basically single parenting. felt like I did not sleep for years. Zero family support.

He meanwhile had time to go out. Sleep with women. Have dinners in restaurants. Days off. Baths. Watch movies. But tells everyone I was lazy and wasn’t doing anything as I didn’t have a paid job at the time. He finally was caught out having an affair and left.

I feel absolutely raged and angry that I’ve raised two kids alone and it’s been so bloody hard. Even now the affair is still somehow my fault?!

.

I’m so sorry op, that’s so unfair x

He is 7 and this is parental alienation 101

What a hateful prick. I’m so sorry 💐

Anyone who blames someone else for their own affair is ridiculous, pathetic and deluded.

You are well rid OP…well rid.

I would find a child friendly way of responding to say your version of the truth
not a tit for tat and you can explain in more detail when they’re older

Just be glad you not with him now if that's how he views things. .lucky escape op....

He said this to your 7 year old, goodness that's really sad and horrible. I can't believe the poison he is dripping into his little ears.
How often does he see them?

Don't get dragged into it OP he is trying to push your buttons simply respond to your DS with adult relationships are complicated, I love you both more then anything in the world and that's all that matters.

Do not stoop to his level but log it for record keeping and anything similar for if required in court orders etc.

Personally, I'd text your ex.and tell.him that you've taken the high road to date and not told.DS the reasons for the split . But if he continues down this path you may have to correct the recollections and tell DS that "daddy decided he preferred another woman to mummy and didn't want to stay married " ... so maybe it's best if details of the split are not discussed with children who are not old enough to be involved

It IS grossly unfair but clearly he's a terrible person.

Don't let this go unchallenged though. I mean, you don't have to make a big song and dance about it but simple responses like, "Daddy is a bit silly really - it was much more complicated adult stuff" or whatever.

Thanks all. I don’t want to stoop to his inappropriate level. We have an every other weekend arrangement but he misses at least half of all of his weekends as he is out of the country so thankfully he doesn’t have too much influence.

Just hurts being blamed for somebody else’s failings. Honestly didn’t have any more to give at the time. I felt like I was drowning.

It is unfair and completely wrong of your ex. It's just another good reason why you were right to leave him.

I'd just explain in an age appropriate way that there are two sides to every story and that there are lots of different reasons that grown ups split up.

Id then talk to your ex and tell him that he's being completely unreasonable to tell your ds this, and if he carry's on you'll tell your ds the reason you split up was because he cheated on you.

The worst part of this is that he said this TO THE KIDS!
I would be raging. There’s also nothing you can say or do without lowering yourself to his level, except maybe tell ex that’s what they’ve said and you don’t think this is appropriate as you have never badmouthed him to them, so you’d appreciate the same respect.
What I would take from this is that DC has run home to tell you this, which to me tells me he’s been told something that doesn’t quite sit right with him. He isn’t able to reconcile the mummy that daddy is telling him about with the mummy he knows so he’s coming straight to you to help make sense of this.
Ex is doing this because he knows they love you more than him and is trying to alienate you. Take satisfaction that even if they don’t understand this now, all of these things he’s telling them and all the finer details (his adultery!) will eventually click into place when they are old enough to understand it.
I say this a lot on here but it’s very much the long game in these situations. It’s infuriating but it always comes to light as the children get older and process their childhood memories and experiences.

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening thank you I hadn’t really thought of it like that. But it was almost like he was confused and seeking reassurance from me.

Well you were obviously far more busy loving your children the most and daddy gets confused about sharing.

Just make sure the entire conversation is about how completely awesome your children are and that you are so pleased you had children with him because that's just been the best decision ever.

Disclaimer my dad was a complete asshole but I'm 50% genetically his and that gets very confusing when you know as a child they're a bit of a wrong'un but you're very similar in many ways to them, but you're being good. It's a complete storm of quality therapy required in later life.

So, best of best wishes to you. Love your children and most importantly take care of you.
Because you are the parent who will see them through.
And I'm sure you will!

This is a good lesson in critical thinking. Ask your DS what he thinks, as he knows you as well as anyone. Does what he's been told line up with what he knows about you?

Then ask him why he thinks Daddy might have made this kind of remark.

Equip him with the tools to think critically and make his own mind up.

This!

Well said, Scottishskifun.

@Wallywobbles I love the critical thinking approach. My son already has said to me “mummy you do everything” in the past and such similar comments. Purely from his own observations.

You’re not to blame.

Of course you're not to blame and it's outrageous that your ex has said this to your 7 year old son. Poor little one must be confused and upset 😔 I'd not want to go into the real reasons for the split, I think I'd say something along the lines of 'I don't agree with what Daddy said and it's much more complicated for grown ups and it's not something you need to worry about. Daddy and I both love you very much and we're always going to take care of you and you can always talk to Mummy about anything that's bothering you'.

I'd also contact ex and tell him that your son has said this to you and tell him to refrain from telling your son anything like this again as it's left him confused and upset. Frankly I'd be absolutely livid but it's probably not going to do you any good to lose your shit with the ex, given that he's obviously a complete arsehole 😒

I am fuming that he said this to your son!
Think carefully about how you address that you don't need to do anything today

I think teaching him the general principle that adults are responsible for their own actions and that no one can force someone to do something wrong is improtant