My ds3 has lost literally ALL one side of his family

[Shockedandsadnow]

I honestly don't know how to put this in words without bawling my eyes out!
So ds3 was 14 months old when he lost his father, my husband to suicide. I still can't accept this and I'm still waiting for him to come home. I knew his mental health was going downhill and reached out for help via gps and other organisations for help. I got no where 😭. The MHT kept refusing saying they didn't think he was "bad enough" and could be treated by gp... There ideas just didn't work. His bipolar was getting worse.
I reached out to his family, but they didn't believe he had bipolar so turned a blind eye to it. "get back to work, it'll sort you out" , or "give your head a wobble" or " don't be silly, snap out of all this nonsense"..

I was alone in helping him. He started thinking he didn't deserve help. For 2.5 years I fought for him. Lock down didn't help as new patients took presidence over old patients. It was just impossible.

Well, he gave up. 😞💔

His family from that day have literally disowned his ds. Not only did he lose his dad, who is the most amazing and loving, caring soul.. But every single family member on his side.

They blame me for his death. This is the family that never called him, saw him but a handful of time a year on his lead. Only texted if they wanted something. It wasn't nice to see. It broke my heart as he for some reason was the black sheep. His family are close with each other mind...

What do I tell my ds when he's older? We speak to daddy angel every night. It's our nighttime routine. At some point he's going to understand. It's bad enough saying he's lost her dad... But the family disowning him?!?! It's so cruel. They are all literally a short walk away from my home to. I've reached out, saying they are welcome to be in his life if they want etc... But I'm ignored and now blocked.
I'm honestly heartbroken in so many ways.
Please can someone give advice on how to handle this? What do I say when he finally asks questions.. Cos he will.

Oh love, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I have no idea how you could try and deal with this, but there are some very thoughtful and experienced mumsnetters who I'm sure can offer something useful

Sorry for your loss.

I grew up with only my paternal family it was fine, it was all I knew I never thought much about it. Children tend to think whatever their set up is the norm.

You cannot force other people to want to have a relationship with your child. With the kindest of meaning, also your son is young enough to not remember his dad so while it is lovely to keep him in his life by remembering him, perhaps not every night and allow your child to move forwards without constant grief or remembrance. He will not miss having family that don’t want to know him in his life. You need to think about why you want that so much. It’s not healthy for either of you. You need to let the family have their own views and ignore them and concentrate on the happiness of you and your son. Maybe counselling for you to help you accept your partners death and that he’s not coming home. Moving forward for both of you will be healing while holding your memories dear.

Sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like your husbands family blame you for his death. I think your son is better off without these people in his life, they don't sound like they were particularly caring towards your husband so your son isn't missing anything by not knowing them. When your child asks questions when they are older you tell them the truth, that his dad's family weren't nice people and you don't keep in touch with them. My own dad died when I was young & I didn't see any of his family - it honestly didn't bother me it was what I knew- if your attitude towards it is a positive thing your son won't feel any differently.

Your son was very young when he died , he won’t remember these people in any great detail and he won’t necessarily miss what he’s never had . He has you , do you have family ? Stop dwelling on these people it is them that are missing out , not you or your son .

Don’t let the absence of his father’s side of the family become an issue for your Ds. Don’t let him learn from you that it is a problem for him to feel emotional/abandoned/lost about.
He doesn’t know them, he can’t miss them. He may not even know that they exist.

Of course he may have questions as he grows up, but your job is to be matter of fact and not present it as a disaster - he will take his cue from you as to how to feel about it. If you are emotional he will be too, and that will not help him.

My son's paternal family didn't want anything to do with my son. His dad is still around and has always been an active player in his life even though we split up ver early on. His family were just not interested and at the beginning I was sad for my son missing out on family but then I came to realise that these people were not positive role models to have in his life and having them around would probably cause more harm than good.
He knows his dad has parents and brothers and they do come up in conversation occasionally but son has never shown any interest in meeting them or knowing more about them that what comes up in general conversation.
Paternal grandfather has been in hospital for the past 3 weeks so that side of the family has been mentioned a lot more than usual over the past 3 weeks but our son doesn't seem interested and never brings it up.

I was in your DS’s situation more or less. My father died by suicide when I was 11. Prior to that he (& therefore we) had virtually no contact with his family for five years (their choice). His mother came to his funeral but that was it. It didn’t matter in essence. My mother’s family were (& are) wonderful and covered pretty much all bases. I spoke to my paternal grandmother & uncle twice in my twenties & thirties. It’s not the theoretical ideal, obviously - but how many people have that? - and I appreciate that imagining your DS having to come to terms with his father’s suicide is painful - and it is a hard thing to come to terms with, I don’t deny it! - but it IS manageable with love & care.

I have another take on this, which is they felt denial about his issues, now have enormous buried guilt, and don’t want to see DS because this will remind them of their failing. Dysfunctional families do this stuff, it’s so destructive. But not yours to unpick , worry about or fix. Sounds like DS will, sadly, be better without their influence. He will be fine with you. Massive credit to what you are doing x

So sorry for your loss. I wouldn't worry too much about extended family on your DH's side. It sounds as though they failed your DH and life might be less complicated without them. Your DS doesn't need their kind of negativity, and if they weren't great to your DH, might not provide your DS with the happy memories of your DH that he deserves. Be kind to yourself!

I agree with previous posters that he can't miss what he hasn't had, so be careful not to project too much of your feelings on to him. Better to concentrate on forming your own support networks and choosing your own family. Honestly they can't be great people if they have abandoned you and your son like this. Find people who care about and appreciate they two of you and try to forget about those who have cruelly turned their backs on you.

You are suffering because they are awful, cruel people, but he won’t. Be positive and focus on your family and friends.
It’s their loss, not his.

I feel for you but I also wonder if you have been able to have any therapy, and whether your son has had any help from Winston's Wish or other charity for bereaved children?

My dh took his own life six years ago. There has been a permanent breach with part of his family who do blame me, and this also seems to mean not really contacting ds. I don't think any of this is OK, but I wouldn't spend any energy on people who don't want to see our children. Instead, focus on those who do. And find help for yourself. I'm not going to make any pronouncements on what would help, because that's really individual. But I know very certainly that my lovely dh would want us both to be happy and to live full lives, with as much laughter and enjoyment as possible; all the things his illness took from him. 💐

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with others guidance to not fixate on your DP’s family. It is their loss to miss out on the relationship with your DS.

Your DS will be well adapted without them, through the strong foundation you are providing him. A strong loving bond with a primary care giver is what he needs to thrive and you are providing that.

Please look at bereavement councilling, through your GP or other organisations like Cruse or SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide). Sending big hugs 💐

Op, I am sorry for your loss.

In the kindest way possible I am going to say that you don’t need toxic people in your life.

They are failing to recognise they could have done something about it and instead they are choosing to blame you despite their shortcomings. People like that always blame others instead of doing some instrospection.

I would not want my child to be around that kind of people even if they are family.

The fact that they blocked you might be a blessing in disguise.

Do what’s best for you and your DC and surround yourself with people that love you and support you.

All the best 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss 😢 it's heartbreaking and it sounds like you did absolutely everything you could. You are not responsible for your DHs decision to end his life. As you say, he was very unwell.

Are you getting any grief counselling or specialist help for suicide loss? It's a terribly difficult thing to accept and I think you would benefit from some help and support. You are dealing with your own grief while trying to be a loving single parent to your little one - it's a lot for one person to cope with.

I would honestly let it go about DHs family. They sound very unkind and dysfunctional and you really don't want that around your child. Are your own family close? I would concentrate on building your own support network for yourself and your little one. He probably won't ask questions about his dad's family until he is much older so I would put it out of your mind for now. Later on, you can explain that Daddy wasn't very close to his family and that you didn't get to know them well. Depending on his age you can perhaps tell him that you reached out to them after Daddy died but that they weren't in a good frame of mind to be supportive to you. I honestly don't think it will be the big thing you think it is - he will be focused on those around him that love him. Wishing you all the best 💐

My condolences on the loss of your husband, OP.

You seem like a wonderful mum.

Lots of good advice in this thread.
I wish you and your child all the best.

My mother left my biological father when I was about 1 year old, I have vague memories of seeing him twice after that and never saw any of his side of the family although I believe it was quite a big one. I never really asked questions about it. As others have said children just accept what is to them their normal and don't miss what they never had.

My heart hurts for what you have been through but in the kindest possible way don't make your pain any worse by worrying about your son, he will be fine because he has a mum who very obviously loves him💐

Thank you all so much for the advice and personal life stories. You've all gave me hope that it'll be fine. I'm just gonna continue to be the best mother I can be. I adore my ds. He's my miracle anyways but also a mix with my late husband. I will provide everything I possibly can for him. He will always have my love and support which in all honesty, there are poor children in the world that have all the family and no love. I love being a mother. It's my best achievement even with my qualifications and long studies. He is a priceless gift that I will do as adviced by you lovely people. Thank you all!! From every fibre of my being.... You have honestly gave me the help I needed. It was honest and will very much be taken on board by myself.
Thank you💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐