Hen do anxiety...help!

[PuzzleMix]

My BIL is getting married later this year and his fiance has just invited me to her hen do. I have met her a few times - she is very nice but we don't know eachother that well and don't live in the same town so don't see eachother often. I've known BIL for 20 or so years.

Anyway, already my anxiety is going up and l haven't even confirmed if I'll be going or not! Firstly, l know nobody she has invited, just her, which immediately makes me stressed. It could go either way but if l dont click with anyone it could be an awkward time. Secondly, it's a weekend away and l have IBS (which she knows about) and the idea of sharing a bathroom with lots of people l don't know really makes me feel sick. In fact l'm not sure l could do it. I've just been away with family and had to have my own ensuite room! If it was a hotel l could cope with my own room, but a shared house would be awful for me. The more stressed l get the worse the IBS gets too.
Thirdly, l don't drink and don't enjoy boozy nights out. It also means l don't have the option of getting drunk to 'take the edge off' if l'm finding it all too much sober!

I feel pressure because I'm her new SIL to be. Will it look really rude if l don't go? She has also invited me to a quieter day with her mum, and our MIL and said if l prefer l can go to that...l honestly don't know her well enough to know if she would be offended if l just do this?

Please be gentle. My IBS has prevented me doing lots of things in life and it does get me down.

Make your excuses, don't go, and go to the quieter day instead. Sounds like the bride has invited you to the main event because it's the polite thing for her to do, but that she is aware you may feel more comfortable at the family event.

Tbf I think it's completely fine to decline! She is probably a nice women who invited you to be polite/because it was important to BIL. That's not to say she doesn't want you there but I'm sure she'll be absolutely fine if you cancel but sound very enthusiastic for the quieter day.

She sounds lovely and considerate and I'm sure she won't mind you not going to the hen weekend. I'd definitely choose the quieter day out option. Not only will you feel more comfortable but you'll also be able to get to know her a bit better.

Just don't go. She won't mind.
I'd say my health issues make will make it tricky but you really appreciate you thinking of her and you're looking forward to the wedding.

I just saw the quieter day option - she's already given you an opt out - perfect!

There's no way I'd go to the the hen do. It's my idea of hell. Most people would understand if you didn't want to go as you don't know anyone.

I would go to the second option.

I would decline the weekend away but thank her for the invitation and go to the quieter day.

Your SIL has been really thoughtful in inviting you to the quieter day if you prefer. I'm sure she has invited you to the weekend so you felt included and not left out but by the quieter day invite is showing she understands that the weekend it might not be for you.

I would say thank you for the invite to the weekend but your preference is to join the quieter day to celebrate with her. Wish her well and hope that everyone has a fantastic couple of days.

She definitely won't have a problem with you going to the quieter occasion instead - she'll be well aware that you don't know anyone going and it's not your sort of thing, but wanted to invite you to be nice.

Definitely don’t go. She was kind to invite you but it’s also fine to decline.
A weekend hen do when you don’t know anyone (and have IBS) sounds hellish!

Don't feel about not attending the hen do. She has kindly offered you the quieter day so just go for that if you prefer that.

Go to the quieter day. She wouldn't have mentioned it as an alternative if she didn't mean it.

Yes I think the big hen do invite is just a courtesy, out of politeness. She obviously is expecting you to just attend the quieter one, which I'm sure you'll enjoy.

You may decline with an excuse, guilt-free.

In your situation I would go the quieter option. She maybe feels like she should invite you but might be only doing it out of politeness. I am sure most people who knew nobody other than the hen wouldn't go to a weekend unless they realllllyyy wanted to, which you obviously don't.

Go to the quieter day. She has given you that option because she knows you might find the whole weekend too much. If she was of the opinion that you could/would pull yourself together and manage the weekend if you cared about her, then she would not have given you the other option.

She’s given you a way out by saying you can do the other if you prefer.

@PuzzleMix since she invited you to both I think you can say something like although you like the sound of the weekend, your IBS means you’d need an en-suite and other adjustments and, since the Hen do should rightly be centred on her, you’re very grateful but would prefer to go on the quiet day and not feel like a nuisance - even though you know she wouldn’t think you are, you would worry, about ruining it; especially as you don’t know the other attendees. She sounds considerate and you sound understanding so I am sure you can work this out without any issues or hard feelings going forward.

I would totally choose the quiet day. Hen dos when you don't know anyone are awful for a lot of people, I detest them!

She sounds lovely - you're welcome to join her or do the quiet day. Say thank you so much but I'll do the quiet family one. Have a lovely time.

She's told you she's alright with you going to the quieter event so she's alright with it honestly x

I think also she may be concerned about you if you attended the bigger hen do, which would pull her focus. She'll most likely be relieved when you politely decline.

Make an excuse and don’t go. She may just be invited you to be polite as she’ll know you don’t know anyone. I reckon she’d totally understand. And it’s lovely that you’re doing something separate with the mums.

To be honest she may have invited you to not be rude knowing full well it’s unlikely you will go on the basis you know no one else who’s going. The other thing that’s a bit quieter with more family sounds more appropriate for you to go to, which is probably why she’s invited you to that as an alternative.

Reading between the lines I think she expects you to choose the quieter day and will therefore not be offended.

She has already invited you to the ‘quieter’ day, so stop putting pressure on yourself. Just accept the invite to that day and not the weekend away.

I would just say that you couldn't make the hen do but would love to go on the other day. Keep it simple with no excuses because that will make it easier for you. I think she'd love having you there with the two mums.