Mental health or just selfish/ spoilt?

[ToeSucker]

I have a friend who has bipolar disorder. She has been up and down over the years, largely seemingly a result of life stress. She separated from her partner 8 months ago and ended up homeless. However, they had no children and no shared assets (she lived in his flat). She's a professional but had been taking time off due to stress (unpaid as she's self employed).

She ended up racking up 19k of credit card debt on restaurants as well as spending all her savings. I took her to the job centre to apply for benefits when she just kept going to restaurants and saying she'd go the next day/day after etc. I let her stay in my house for months. I fed her. I listened to her. I did her laundry. I found her a house share.

She's now better and stable, working again etc. However she is dressing up and going to social events in her new neighbourhood with rich people, cancelling on me and only announcing she'll visit when she has a fair idea I'm making dinner and seems to only want to come over if she'll can get a free meal out of it and doesn't have a better alternative.

The other day she came invited me to a restaurant for NYE. She asked me to wear something expensive. It turns out she only invited me after her new rich friends cancelled.

She spent the entire night ranting about how 2024 taught her to grow up and she learned that when you have problems, no one is coming to help you.

I'm somewhat livid.

Two points to consider: 1) I am not the only close long term friend who has provided support to this extent. She has had the world bend around her. 2) She is medicated and stable.

I feel really taken for granted and it's really hitting me that she feels ashamed to be seen out of the house with me. It's not really a personal issue of mine - I don't feel like that generally and I don't really have a reason to feel like that normally.

AIBU? I suppose I'm wondering is there really a "well" with bipolar disorder or are you generally ill even when well?

Ditch her. What's the big deal?

We go back a long time and I can't tell if ditching her is fair or not.

Her inability to appreciate you isn't a part of her Bipolar. I'd also be livid and would be dropping this friendship like a ton of bricks.

I really couldn't be arsed OP. I have no idea what you're doing fawning over her.

Yes just ditch her. People come into our lives and out of them all the time. It's part of the circle of life.

Have you got some other friends to socialise with?

Yes my social life isn't a problem. I feel over the years I have taken on more of a parental role for this friend. She's been up and down for a long time, probably 8 or 9 years now. She's only had a few windows of being stable and well and I think now that she has been in one for a few months now and isn't treating me very well, I'm seeing things with new eyes.

I know people who live well with bipolar. They take their medication and don’t treat their friends like shit.

I’d be very done with this not-a-friend in your shoes. She’s being so ungrateful.

She could be hypomanic or on her way up or she could be a terrible friend which could be due to bipolar or she's just a terrible friend

My partner says he hates it when I'm low and hates me when I'm high.

I find friendships really difficult because of my bipolar. It's taken years and years of stability to get in a place where I can give my friendship the time that they deserve. I can be a great friend but the personality changes that come with my mood swings make me an awful person to be around. I'm incredibly grateful for those that have stuck around but bare no ill wishes against those that drifted away.

For me hypomania is the trickiest episode as I'm not myself but also often not outwardly unwell unless you are very in tune with my moods. Its taken decades to understand the impact it has and to manage it.

It's ok to say that right now this friendship isn't the best for you and to step away.

Thank you for replying. I think something I'm concerned about is that she's hypomanic, but to be honest she's still battling off some depressive symptoms like oversleeping. She doesn't seem to have a euthymic place at all!

Stable can mean that she is not having extreme episodes but is still unwell. In my experience of severe mental health, stable does not always relate to being well, it can mean the same state for a while, no better no worse. To answer your question she may never have a period where she is well, just not in an extreme state of mood high or low.

Agree with pp you can step away if it is affecting you negatively..

She still does not sound well. This is till her bipolar talking. She is not yet stable.

Lots of people have no understanding of serious mental illnesses though.
This does not mean you have to be friends with her though. Personally I would see her less, but not lose all contact.

I think I would put some boundaries in place and step away a bit.
It sounds like although she's doing better she's still at the mercy of her moods. It might be best for the friendship longer term for you to step off the carousel for now and take care of your needs and that involves surrounding yourself with people that appreciate you for being you

1. You can absolutely both have poor mental health AND be not a very nice person simultaneously.
2. You can have poor mental health and that can be partly down to your own poor choices in life, just as you can have poor physical health because you smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish and revel in your own morbid obesity. If your friend is not taking care of her own mental wellbeing then she will be unwell and that is her problem to deal with.
3. It is not your responsibility to be someone's friend just because they have poor mental health.

She doesn’t sound a nice person at all .Sometimes medication can stop people learning from their mistakes and their conscience. Before people criticise me . I have been very unwell with mental health problems. There is some truth in what she says . I felt like that but it is part of the illness.

Op in terms of your other question, yes there can be a well for someone with bipolar, but not for everyone.
I also wonder if she is embarrassed to be around someone who saw her when she was at her worst? This can happen with people who recover from drug and alcohol addictions as well.

Yes it crossed my mind, but only briefly as she still comes over all the time. She rings and says she'll be 5 minutes and asks if there's any food as she hasn't had dinner! She seems to only be embarrassed to be seen with me in public, not in private.

You dont need to do so much for your friends, bipolar or otherwise. Step back.
Why are you playing a parental role?
Friendships are meant to be fun and light.

This is about your feelings and life, not hers. She’s being a nightmare, prob not on the meds she says she is, and it’s hurting you.

Time to take a break for a month or two. No need to make long term decisions, but you do need to be out when she calls for a while.

I don’t have much direct experience of bipolar disorder but I agree that it’s possible to both be mentally ill and an arsehole. You’re not obliged to tolerate everything she does purely because she is mentally ill. In fact I think there’s probably a need for more robust boundaries and “tough love” in this case than with someone who is more mentally stable.

Friendships do not have to be light. And some friends do care for their friends when they are ill.
But it is true you are under no obligation to continue this friendship.

If she does not want to be with you in public can you ask why?
In terms of her coming over, I would be semi-honest and say you are happy to have her over for coffee, but you are fed up of cooking so often and so ordering take-out, going to friends, or whatever seems realistic. If you know she can afford her own food, then I would not be happy to always cook for her. Alternatively when she suggests coming over at dinner time, just keep saying you can't make that time, but what about coffee say on Sunday afternoon.

People often dump or semi-dump the people who ‘rescued’ them, because they don’t want to be reminded of that part of their life by seeing someone who picked them up when they were in bits. It sounds to me like your friend is negotiating a separate private relationship with you where you continue to look after her, and saving her new glitzy self for her new friends. Up to you whether you choose to accept or contest the terms.

@Thepeopleversuswork tough love does not cure bipolar. Putting boundaries in place for what you will do is fine though.

I feel like you've hit the nail on the head

The problem of course is that mental health and personality / morality / behavioural choices cannot be neatly separated. My take is that you can feel sorry for this friend, worry for her and wish her well but have no obligation to let her treat you this way regardless of the cause of her actions.

Lots of people have bipolar disorder. Many of those people overspend, are impulsive and damage friendships at times. It is common for people with bipolar disorder to seriously regret some of their choices and to feel that they were almost made by a different person during times of acute illness. It can be a really distressing condition for the sufferer and for those around them.

But...

Having bipolar is also not a licence to be a dick to people and expect no consequences. It doesn't sound like your friend is in a state of psychosis, acute mania or severe depression, all of which would be likely clear explanations for some of her her behaviours. If she is quite stable and well-supported through medication / mental health care and yet is still consistently behaving in these ways, I'm afraid that says something about her as a person and as a friend, not just about her illness.

Mental health conditions are not destiny and no one is completely defined by them. I know people with bipolar who work hard to change their lives and give themselves the best chance of coping and of maintaining the relationships that matter to them. They might still mess up despite their best intentions - we all do sometimes - and they might relapse at times through no fault of their own (bipolar is complex and the causes of manic episodes etc still not really well-understood). Some people with bipolar disorder do terrible things when they are very unwell, sure, but I can guarantee that most people with this diagnosis do not act like your supposed friend does - or certainly not when relatively stable!

Even if you choose to see all of her difficulties and negative traits through a mental health lense only, the fact remains that she seems to be treating you poorly and bringing you down, and you don't have to put up with that.