Handhold Needed. TW: I had a breakdown

[SnoringHound]

I’ve struggled with anxiety for years. Been on medication for over 10. Had a breakdown in 2021 (suicidal), and after getting sick with a bad flu at Christmas, it triggered yet another anxiety spiral, resulting in another suicidal breakdown. It felt like this one was “THE ONE”; the one that either ended me completely or ruined my life entirely in some other way. The anxiety threats felt real, and at one point, I was convinced they were true.

I’m constantly afraid of losing control of my life. That things will happen to me, against my will, changing my life irrevocably in ways that honestly make me physically ill to think about. It all stems from feeling helpless as a child, I know, and OCD.

I finally broke down to my parents who helped me. I’ve upped my dosage of medication, which I think is helping, but I’m still just so scared, and sad, and feeling like I’ll never return to normal.

I just need a handhold

So sorry to read this but it's a good thing that you feel able to open up and discuss it. Good also to see you have some support from your parents. Have you got any other support with these issues though such as a counsellor / therapist where you can discuss these things.

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? I hit total crisis two years ago and I can honestly say working it through with a therapist has changed my whole outlook.

I know that it seems like a very big and distressing thought BUT life does happen without our control. The earth is turning and there is nothing we can do about it. Events are due to random chance with very little cause and effect. You can't medicate your way out of it, you need to accept that you are a part of the big unknown and manage your distress. By accepting you are not in control, you will be in control - paradoxically.

The medication isn’t a cure, just a crutch. It’s the only thing keeping me alive.

I know, logically, we don’t have total control - all we can do is control our own choices, reactions, etc. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult to accept that.

I’m under treatment with my health insurance, so looking into all sorts of resources they have

Absolutely, I am currently also going through something similar. Medication takes the edge off but therapy is what's really helping to find things I can control and accept the things I can't.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Lifelong anxiety/depression sufferer here, also on meds for 10+ years, had multiple bouts of therapy with different therapists (at least 5), but when I'm bad I can't actually apply the strategies I've learned. I had a horrible time in October/November (which wasn't helped when we unexpectadly lost a pet as well). I'm talking full blown panic attacks, never being able to rest, constant crying etc. I talked to the GP and they upped my meds, but also ran a full blood panel. It all surprisingly came back pretty normal, however I was told I had low folate so they started me on supplementation for this. I can honestly say, 1 month later I feel SO much better. I'm not sure whether it's the meds increase (but have been on higher doses in past) or the folate, but much more energy, much more positive outlook on life and generally feel like a new me! Looking up the possible side effects of low folate, anxiety and depression along with chronic fatigue are amongst them, so worth looking into it if you haven't had bloods before?

What does your normal life look like? Do you have small things in your life that you're used to having under control?