My older brother has for a long time made me very uncomfortable and uneasy.
He is a skilled professional in his field of work, handsome, charming, and at times very generous, but he is also volatile and aggressive. He can be highly manipulative and lies easily (and sometime unnecessarily, I think he enjoys it.)
A while ago he went through a period of ill mental health and would call me up at all times of the day ranting in a cyclical fashion, not listening to any words of comfort or advice. I had to stop taking his calls as they upset me too much, and he told me I was cold hearted and only looking out for myself. If I make a decision which doesn’t suit his agenda, (such as refusing to drive my young children across the country to attend an evening adult party,) he tells me I am selfish.
He dominates every conversation to make them about himself or steer towards a topic he will then lecture on. In conversation, he will ignore people that do not interest him, such as my little brother, unless he needs something from them. In the past year, he has not asked me a question about myself, about my life, my career. He occasionally asks about my children, but when I answer he will hijack the conversation to talk about himself when he was a child.
He has bigoted, homophobic and mysognistic opinions which jar with my values, and can be aggressive and violent when drinking. He will not have a glass or two, he will drink everything in the house until there is an incident. My family used to think he had a drink problem; I think it is more than likely a personality problem which is exacerbated with drink. He seems to manage this by not drinking for long periods of time, and then everyone uneasily gets along, until the next time he drinks (and there is always a next time.)
If you do not agree with him or call him out on his aggressive behaviour, he becomes dark and scary, will refuse to accept responsibility, deny all bad behaviour (tell me he didn’t behave in the way I literally just witnessed,) then eventually he will either apologise that I am upset (not for his behaviour, it’s “I’m sorry you feel that way,”) or he has, in the past, become violent.
For years I have kept him at a distance, maintaining minimal contact for the protection of myself and my family.
However, recently my mother died, and as my father also died 10+ years ago, I felt I had to step into the ‘mother’ role in the family and rally my brothers around me as they were both very upset. Therefore, we have been seeing more of each other as I have been hosting Christmas for everyone, etc.
My brother became engaged in the last year. His fiancée will not live with him until they are married, therefore I worry that she does not know what he is really like. She has seen him drunk on one occasion and was shocked.
She is a very sweet, gentle woman and I worry greatly that he will abuse her once they are married. He had a previous marriage which ended due to abuse. He wants to have kids right away but does not want to be active in raising them. I feel sick when I think about children having him as a father, as I worry he will physically and emotionally abuse them when he feels he cannot control them.
My brother and I fell out recently as I refused to accept his aggressive and bigoted behaviour in my home. He left without apologising, then later text to say he was sorry he upset me; he knows he was out of line.
I have decided that I will not participate in this cyclical, abusive relationship with him and plan to have no contact once my mother's house is sold.
The issue is, he is getting married this year. I do not know whether I should ‘grey rock’ for the sake of not rocking the boat or upsetting other family members and attend the wedding and smile and make all the right noises, or whether I should tell him that my family and I will not be attending, as I do not think he should marry this sweet girl and cannot in good conscience condone it.
I am afraid for when I do cut ties as he can be ruthless when seeking revenge. We are trying to sell my mother's house and it would not surprise me if he obstructed this, as he does not need the money (but my younger brother and I do.) I am also afraid that if his fiancee does leave him, he will blame me and seek revenge (and I am terrified for myself and my children of what this could be.)
I would be interested to hear from anyone who has gone through similar – what your decision was, what the fallout was, and how you managed it.
YABU – I should go to the wedding, grey rock and smile and then gently reduce contact afterwards
YANBU – I should tell my brother I will not be going to the wedding as I do not feel comfortable, and accept whatever revenge he comes up with.