Not a fan of newborn phase and pressure to enjoy it

[makingdecisionsforme]

I can't understand all these posts on instagram about how much everyone should enjoy it because they are only babies once.

I al fed up of it all. My second time around has been much kinder, less screaming the house down every single day as my first had a terrible time.

Still have some kind of problem with reflux or cold symptoms at 13 weeks so we are getting 2-3 hours sleep a night. It's brutal.

I can't stand it all. I haven't succeeded in breastfeeding and both times Ives felt inferior for not doing it. Cannot function on no sleep. I worry so much about how small and fragile they are. The digestive problems are the pits. The stuff that comes with them - next to me cot, Moses, nappy stations in bedroom and kitchen, and the rest.

I love 4+ months. They are more robust, sleeping better and I love toddler stage!! I know it's not for everyone but having them communicate and grow is amazing.

No reason to post other than to say DC2 is 3 months tomorrow and I cannot wait for them to recover from this cold and sleep better. It's the pits!

Any advice ditching dummy as a sleep prop at 3 months? It's affecting his sleep and ours with dummy runs and last night he couldn't sleep as couldn't breathe when dummy was in as his nose was blocked and he couldn't settle without dummy. Happy for him to have it in the day if needed but he really cannot recover from illness at this rate.

YANBU, it is the worse stage! I’m about to have my second and I see the first few months as a slog to endure before I actually get to start enjoying it again once the baby is a bit older!

There is SO MUCH pressure to love this stage - endless social media content about the magical fourth trimester and lots of well-intended but useless advice about how to make the most of it. I actually came off social media last time because it made me feel so inadequate and like I was failing at motherhood. I now know I am a good mother, just one who enjoys it far more once you aren’t spending 24 hours a day caring for a tiny, sad animal which needs intense input for very little reward!

Of course you love the baby more than life itself, would do anything for it’s safety and well-being, endlessly make the necessary sacrifices etc. And there are moments of loveliness. But give me an older child with some personality and engagement any day of the week over a sentient, needy loaf of bread.

Oh god i hate the newborn stage too. It was hard work. Like you i prefer older when they can sit up and be their own person so to speak.

With my 2020 baby I had the same problem with the dummy at 4 months? As soon as it fell out of his mouth he would wake up so I went cold turkey with the poor little bugger. Within 3 days he forgot about it and all was well.

Good luck x

I think there’s a phase that people thrive in. For me, it is newborn. I do absolutely love it, and also enjoy pregnancy and birth 😬.

But…. I HATE toddler stage. From about 14 months until 3 or 3.5 years old. I do not thrive there. I hate the crying, whinging, tantrums and general mini dictator behaviour.

No real advice op , but I agree with you. The newborn stage is just so tough and hard to enjoy. I also found pregnancy incredibly difficult as I'm autistic and the sensory overwhelm of carrying a child is just too much. The 4 months + stage is so much easier to enjoy. The smiles , the interaction , all of the learning they're doing , that's definitely my favourite stage. Hardwork , but so fun.

It's okay to feel the way you do , and it's perfectly normal also.

Just solidarity here!
I really enjoyed my first child from 4 months onwards ( once I stopped pumping and trying to make breastfeeding work too!). I took her swimming and she was laughing and pulling faces and I realised we were actually interacting.
I had a real terrible time trying to breastfeed, it was nothing short of traumatic. I've read prof Amy browns book on breastfeeding grief and I've ordered Lucy ruddles to read now.

My daughter now aged 3 may be a stroppy mare at times but I like her company and we have a relationship and a nice time doing things together, it's totally different to a baby where it's all one way.

I'm pregnant with second now and feeling very up maternal dreading newborn phase again but trying to remind myself we are doing this to have another child rather than a baby. You have a child for years, the newborn phase is months.

I absolutely adored the feeling of holding my new born babies. The scrunch when you pick them up, how peaceful they looked when feeding etc. In my rosy backwards view (I have teens) this is what I remember most.

When I think about it more though I remember the feeling of exhaustion from all the night wakings, the frustration of having a baby that always wanted attention and had colic in the evenings- it wasn't enough that you held her, you had to be walking round. The fact that even a trip for milk was a full scale expedition. The guilt of putting DD in the travel system in the car seat - because after about 1 month old she screamed if we used the lie flat pram attachment, and the buggy attachment was from 6 months. The long walks or pointless car drives just to get her to sleep.

You also have the situation where the nice bits are refreshed when you get cuddles with other people's new borns, without the relentlessness of it.

Depending on your personality and strengths and those of your children, you might also find some ages easier / more enjoyable than others and vice versa. For every mum who loves the newborn stage, there is one who finds it hard. The roles might be reversed with a two year old though.

It is tough - but bit by bit it gets easier.

I should also say - I hate the way breastfeeding is promoted as the gold standard in the UK.

At ante natal classes we were told about breastfeeding but weren't told about bottle feeding unless we asked. In my mind it should have been a talk on the pros and cons of both, and the necessary info (safety, problems and how to solve them etc.) and let parents decide. If you are mature enough to decide to have a baby, you are mature enough to decide how to feed them.

@StripyHorse I agree.

Though I have seen changes over the years. When my daughter was born in 2005 I remember receiving a phonecall when she was a few days old. They asked if I was breastfeeding, I said no and they excused themselves politely. However when my next child was born in 2016 I got a similar phonecall, when I said no to breastfeeding she then asked if I had any questions about bottle feeding. She gave me a list of resources to support it.

Agreed.

The only advice I have that's worth a damn is to lean hard into enjoying whichever bit you do enjoy, to compensate for the times it's a chore.

I say that as someone mooning over my lovely January with a newborn last year when all the visitors fucked off after Christmas and I just got to enjoy the walks, cuddles and telly.

Oh yes visitors! That's the other thing I don't enjoy about newborns. Who invented this trend? Whichever way you look at it, you end up hosting. Be it tidying up, showering and getting dressed when you would rather stay in bed, putting the kettle on, many guests we end up offering lunch as they travel from afar. At this time of year it's a real ball ache as you then miss the daylight hours to get baby, toddler and dog fresh air and a walk before dark.

Thanks for your responses so far, I might go cold turkey on the dummy when DC2 is better it will lead to more quality sleep for him and a faster recovery from future illness.

Breastfeeding is dubbed as some elixir and necessary for immune system but I was still doing 6 feeds a day when DC2 got RSV, it didn't prevent that. Took him 2 weeks to recover. It's a lot of pressure to put on a mum to say baby will not get unwell if you feed.

I forgot to also add the post partum bleeding, engorged boobs, weight gain and general not feeling yourself in ugly nursing bras and a few clothes that fit you in this stage.

So glad I'm not alone!!

Also for toddlers DC1 is so exhausting and demanding and goes through phases where he feels impossible but often comes out the other side even better than when he went in. The cuddles, the cute pronunciation of words, saying he loves us, joining in with cooking and the best part is the full nights sleep! I'm manifesting about having two children who sleep :) I'm so sleep deprived today but happy new year all.

100% agree. Newborn stage is the worst. I like what someone else wrote about having a child for years and a newborn for a few months, puts the timeframe into perspective!
I’m early stages pregnant with my second and already thinking about the newborn months is making me not look forward to it. I much preferred once my son got to about 4 months and could interact a bit. Then 6 months when he started sleeping through the night! I would much rather deal with toddler tantrums and whining than newborn to be honest.
I think I kind of get people saying to enjoy the newborn stage a bit though. I realllly struggled and have blocked it out mostly and I know I missed out on a short but special time with my son. I’m kind of hoping that second time round, knowing that it does end, I can try to enjoy it slightly more and appreciate the parts that I didn’t first time round. Maybe that’s what people mean when they say to enjoy it! 🤷🏻‍♀️

While I hated the post partum recovery (had an emergency c section, then bad edema on my legs and found it horrible to go to the loo for weeks) I loved the newborn stage. However my DD slept through the night from 5 weeks, I didnt breastfeed and as it was the tail end of covid I didn't have constant visitors. She had no colic, took a soother and was a very good baby. I met a friend and her 4 week old recently and made me realise how much I miss the newborn cuddles. I find the toddler stage tough. I do enjoy seeing my DD growing and developing and she's amazing but it's relentless and draining for me. I think people enjoy one phase or the other to be honest and it very much depends on the baby/toddler.

@Lyra87 I never know what people mean when they say sleep through the night. What did that look like at 5 weeks and 12 weeks for you?

Before he got unwell he did sleep from 6.30pm until around 6am just waking briefly for a dream feed at 10.30pm. Not sure if that was his vaccines but he generally only woke a few times around that at 3am for the dummy. His sleep is worse now than ever.

If I remember correctly, she would have a feed at 10/11pm and slept until 6am by 5 weeks. As she was bottle fed, it meant DH or I stayed up to do that feed while the other went to bed and did the morning feed at 6. By 4 months she slept to 7 or 7.30. Even now, she's a good sleeper (sleeps from 6.30/7pm to 7/7.30.or even 8 am). Like me, she loves her sleep.

Quite honestly children are so much more enjoyable when they are grown up and don't live with you anymore (said slightly tongue in cheek!)

YADNBU. I couldn't wait for it to pass, so that I get a human thing that tells me exactly what's wrong!

She's 18 now, and a dream!

They can’t talk about the cons of breastfeeding- it’s important people are protected from exploitation by large corporations flogging extortionate powder. Everyone knows breast in best but no judgement if people can’t or won’t, but we can’t encourage lying to women.

don’t worry OP, all mothers know there’s stages they like and ones they don’t like. As another poster I love a newborn, bloody hate toddler era- I was so happy when my youngest turned 3, never having to visit the terrible 2s again!

I felt guilty for not enjoying my newborn. She’s 13 weeks now and it’s so much better. I feel like I’m out of survival mode.

I found the pressure to have visitors overwhelming! My partners parents stayed way too long when I had my daughter and kept coming in the first week. They kept turning up with unwanted gifts from everyone that I had to unwrap and be grateful for when all I wanted to do was hug my baby and try work out breast feeding. I felt a bit love bombed if that makes sense. 3 months on and I still feel resentment.