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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin's jealousy over kids

25 replies

strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 07:58

I have two cousins with kids of a similar age (8/9 years old). Let's call them Danielle and Lola.

Danielle's son has a chronic health condition - it's very sad - he has lived with pain every day of his life, and often has to use a wheelchair due to fatigue etc.

My partner also has the same condition, to a less severe degree, but they have really bonded because of it. The boy talks to my partner about how he's feeling etc and they have become very close as a result, it's lovely.

In summer we took him away on a short holiday, at our expense, to give Danielle some respite and also enable her to spend some time with his siblings who often don't get the attention they need. We have also taken him on a couple of day trips etc since then.

We live a long way away and so when we visit my family, we make an effort to see Danielle and to support the relationship between my cousin and partner. Danielle and I were close as kids, we were in the same class at school, so we have a natural sibling-like closeness, whereas Lola used to live a long way away when we were kids, so I only saw her occasionally.

The problem is, Lola has now become very jealous because we haven't given her child the same level of attention, spent as much money on her etc. She's started behaving in quite a passive aggressive way towards me, not responding to messages, putting public posts on Facebook about 'how it feels when family make an effort with other family children but not your own' which are clearly directed at me - although she hasn't said anything directly to me.

It's a difficult situation - because we live so far away, the truth is that it is hard to make time to see both cousins when we visit - and it doesn't help that they are currently not speaking to each other due to a fall out, so we'd have to see them both separately.

Their kids also don't particularly get on, so it's not like we could have taken them away together - Lola's daughter has some behaviour difficulties and is very energetic to say the least. Danielle's son, being quite poorly, finds her intense to be around. We love her but truthfully it would be a lot for us to take her away, and we are just not as close.

Lola also doesn't reach out to me very often at all. The last time I saw her was when I travelled up last year, taking annual leave especially to surprise her for her birthday. Since then, I am being accused of 'not making an effort' but she hasn't contacted me once since then to ask how I am etc. Whereas with Danielle, we talk and support each other.

I just don't know how to respond/ what to do about this situation. AIBU to not be going out of my way to spend money and time on Lola's child? Is she behaving immaturely or am I being unreasonable?

It's not that I don't care about them, but the truth is that the connection just isn't the same and it is very hard to foster that when we have such limited time to visit. Danielle's son has such a difficult life that he really needs any extra help he can get.

OP posts:
HugoYorway · 02/01/2025 08:02

Do you think you are being unreasonable?
I'd ignore her posts.

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:02

mute her on fb
surely

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:04

you live long distance from them both
barely get together with either of them
so i wouldn’t be too bothered about one of them posting PA posts

myfavouritemutant · 02/01/2025 08:07

This isn’t 2 equal cousin relationships though, one is clearly a really close friend as well as a cousin. They certainly don’t need to be treated identically. Ignore the digs and carry on as you are.

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:09

'We love her' . No you don't. You never see her and describe her in negatives only. It's ok you don't have to love her. I don't bother with Facebook rubbish where people write passive aggressive statements it's childish and petty

Flipslop · 02/01/2025 08:12

I’d apply the ‘let then’ outlook on this you can’t control Lola’s behaviour and have several reasons to say why it is the way it is so just let is be and enjoy your relationships the way they are

LizzoBennett · 02/01/2025 08:21

If you were a grandparent or an aunt then I would suggest that you should make more effort. The fact that Lola is your cousin and the relationship should be maintained like a friendship in my opinion. Some friendships fade due to a lack of common ground or busy lives and that's just how it is.

It sounds as though Lola is more interested in the financial imbalance of treatment if she never makes an effort with you. It is either that or that Lola is jealous because she is a sister to Danielle and this leads to her making a more direct comparison in treatment. If you can afford it and you would like to do something, I'd suggest gifting the family and experience or something similar at Christmas/Easter. I wouldn't do that until I had already had a candid discussion with Lola about the fact Danielle's son needs more support. If not, then you need to accept that Lola is unlikely to ever be particularly warm towards you and move on.

BestZebbie · 02/01/2025 08:30

Any chance she feels under-appreciated or resentful because she also has a disabled child (SEND) which makes her life/parenting difficult but she sees you making an effort to provide respite care for Danielle and not for her? Obviously you aren't obliged to do anything for any of your cousins, but that could easily cause jealousy.

Original poster
strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:35

BestZebbie · 02/01/2025 08:30

Any chance she feels under-appreciated or resentful because she also has a disabled child (SEND) which makes her life/parenting difficult but she sees you making an effort to provide respite care for Danielle and not for her? Obviously you aren't obliged to do anything for any of your cousins, but that could easily cause jealousy.

Her child doesn't have any diagnosed SEN or disability.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:36

LizzoBennett · 02/01/2025 08:21

If you were a grandparent or an aunt then I would suggest that you should make more effort. The fact that Lola is your cousin and the relationship should be maintained like a friendship in my opinion. Some friendships fade due to a lack of common ground or busy lives and that's just how it is.

It sounds as though Lola is more interested in the financial imbalance of treatment if she never makes an effort with you. It is either that or that Lola is jealous because she is a sister to Danielle and this leads to her making a more direct comparison in treatment. If you can afford it and you would like to do something, I'd suggest gifting the family and experience or something similar at Christmas/Easter. I wouldn't do that until I had already had a candid discussion with Lola about the fact Danielle's son needs more support. If not, then you need to accept that Lola is unlikely to ever be particularly warm towards you and move on.

Thanks - just to clarify they aren't sisters - they are cousins to one another also.

Nice suggestion re gifts, but Lola always tells people not to buy her any Christmas/ Birthday presents because she can't reciprocate (neither of them are well off at all - both are single parents). I like your way of seeing it as more like a friendship.

OP posts:
BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:37

So this is all down to a few SM posts that you think are directed at you?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/01/2025 08:37

It’s fine to cut out anyone who posts melodramatic, passive-aggressive shite on Facebook.

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:38

strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:36

Thanks - just to clarify they aren't sisters - they are cousins to one another also.

Nice suggestion re gifts, but Lola always tells people not to buy her any Christmas/ Birthday presents because she can't reciprocate (neither of them are well off at all - both are single parents). I like your way of seeing it as more like a friendship.

Show quote history

you do need to actually like someone and the other person like you for there to be a “friendship”

Original poster
strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:38

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:09

'We love her' . No you don't. You never see her and describe her in negatives only. It's ok you don't have to love her. I don't bother with Facebook rubbish where people write passive aggressive statements it's childish and petty

Quite presumptuous of you to factually state who I do or don't love 😕But that's not up for debate and yes, I haven't responded to the Facebook stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:40

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:38

you do need to actually like someone and the other person like you for there to be a “friendship”

Show quote history

I do like her. I travelled across the country simply to go to her birthday drinks. She is just quite jealous and always has been, so that makes it difficult to have a balanced relationship. If I didn't care then I wouldn't be worrying about any of this would I? I'd just cut her out of my life.

OP posts:
BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:40

strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:38

Quite presumptuous of you to factually state who I do or don't love 😕But that's not up for debate and yes, I haven't responded to the Facebook stuff.

Show quote history

you can’t be sure it was directed at you anyway

so… just mute her on FB (you won’t)

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:41

strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:40

I do like her. I travelled across the country simply to go to her birthday drinks. She is just quite jealous and always has been, so that makes it difficult to have a balanced relationship. If I didn't care then I wouldn't be worrying about any of this would I? I'd just cut her out of my life.

Show quote history

but you barely see either of them
and this is all down to a few social media posts you think directed at you
mountain . molehill.

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:42

strawberrycrochet · 02/01/2025 08:38

Quite presumptuous of you to factually state who I do or don't love 😕But that's not up for debate and yes, I haven't responded to the Facebook stuff.

Show quote history

Ah OK. I just don't buy your saintly persona. You posted on MN so yes your post is up for debate

toomuchfaff · 02/01/2025 08:44

My simple answer

Let Her (Lola)

Let her post, let her make passive aggressive comments, Let her get all wound up because you're doing XYZ. Let her.

Don't react, don't rise to it, don't acknowledge it or anything she says or does. Don't justify your actions (you don't need too), Don't.

Let her.

You can spend your time, effort, money, etc as you see fit. Whether someone takes offence at that - tough. You don't need to explain why, or pacify her. Let her be a petulant child, sulking in the corner with passive aggressive social media posts. What an absolute immature entitled SOB to think they have any command on your life.

HellofromJohnCraven · 02/01/2025 08:46

I think it's perfectly normal to have different relationships with cousins as adults.

Sugargliderwombat · 02/01/2025 09:10

The thing that jumps out at me is that she's not speaking to her other cousin. Sounds like the jealously is stemming from that. I'd either tackle it head on and message explaining you help because of the health condition or just ignore.

Ace56 · 02/01/2025 09:24

I would carry on as you are, tbh. Lola needs to accept that for whatever reason, you and Danielle are closer and really it doesn’t concern her. If she wants to be close to you then she needs to make more of an effort with you both, not post passive aggressive stuff on fb.

Ace56 · 02/01/2025 09:26

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:41

but you barely see either of them
and this is all down to a few social media posts you think directed at you
mountain . molehill.

Show quote history

Sounds to me like she sees them a lot considering how far away they live. And they all seem to be pretty involved in each other’s lives. It’s possible to be close to people who live far away - do you not have anyone you’re close to who lives outside your local area?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 02/01/2025 09:33

My take on this is a bit different maybe

Lola is pissy / jealous. Fine.

My question would be:
what events / days out is she inviting and taking either your kids on or Danielle’s kids (either sick son or the healthy kids) if she wants family to be so central?

I’d also contact her next time and point out even the boys own siblings aren’t petty enough to be jealous and ask why she begrudges you showing a bit of kindness to a boy who life is much harder than most people’s.

stop wasting head space on this and if it comes up in conversation with wider family I’d go down the “I’m shocked she’d begrudge a sick child and a small bit of kindness” route

Kitkatcatflap · 02/01/2025 09:38

If she lives so far away, how does Lola know about all the time and outings spent with Danielle's child?

I agree with the others, if that is the way Lola feels, let her and don't give it headspace. Mute her on social media and remain dignified without responding to the attention seeking.

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