To be sad that DP and I don't have a more affectionate relationship

[Lowlynslowlygoesholly]

DP and I have been together for 2 almost 3 years, we are mid-20s and have a 6 month old DS. I know DP loves me, we say it atleast once a day and I can just tell however we aren't very affectionate. We don't kiss outside of sex anymore, we sit on opposite sides of the room most nights, rarely cuddle. We don't randomly buy the other something just because we know they would like it. We don't have pet names.

We have 2 friends, they have been together for about as long as we have and we lived with them for several months at the start of the year. They are very affectionate, not in a forced way, but he gives her a kiss when he gets home/meets her in public. They hold hands or he puts his hand on her leg if they are sitting together, they cuddle in the evenings. I don't know how to describe it but they way they look at each other, you can just tell they are in love. If I'm out with friend and she sees some sweets, or a coffee brand or something she knows he will like she always buys it.
They got engaged around Christmas and he asked for my help finding out her ring size. He put so much thought into picking the perfect ring, not necessarily expensive but something he felt she would truly love. He planned the proposal to make sure it was perfect and she showed me a little video he'd taken (pretended he was setting the phone up to take a picture after taking her on a gorgeous walk to somewhere they went on an early date). You could just tell that he absolutely adores her and would do anything for her and she is the same with him. They aren't clingy, have a very healthy relationship but the love is just so obvious.
I knew them both before they got together and neither of them were like this with their ex.
I try to tell myself it is because we have a DS and we are exhausted but it has never been like that for us. We don't even really have another love language, for christmas we both just made amazon wish lists, so neither of us carefully picked out gifts, but I know they did. I also know they aren't perfect, I've seen them have fall outs etc. but its never mean, their communication is great (not always been true of their previous relationships). It's not all for show either, we lived with them and this is just how they are. They really are each others bestfriend and I don't believe in soulmates but if I did it would be them.

Now I know comparison is the thief of joy, but DP and I have spoken about it, we have tried being more affectionate but it feels forced and unnatural.
She posted a beautiful little collection of pics on instagram for the end of the year, anyone would think it was staged sometimes but half the time I was the one behind the camera, and it really is candid. He really does just kiss her forehead when walking down the street. We went on a double beach date in the summer, they didn't pick up their phones at all or do anything for instagram etc, but they did just have fun together and cuddle, kiss, dance in the sand etc. The only reason they have pics is because I noticed and took them etc.

It makes me really sad that DP and I aren't like this and if we try to be it feels unnatural and forced.

AIBU to be sad? Is their relationship just unique and DP and I are normal? or are we weird for being so cold. We look like siblings in half the pics we have together.

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy and importantly you never know what's really going on with other people. From experience sometimes those who most outwardly show extreme displays of affection are trying to proove something.

I suggest forgetting them completely for now and focus only on you and the question of if you are happy.

Could you think of one sweet act you could do for your partner this week? Start there.

Aw, this makes me sad for you OP. My DH and I have been together for 6 years and we are still very loving and affectionate towards each other. I would say his love language is definitely physical touch so that’s a big thing for him, he’d be constantly touching me if he could! Whereas I prefer acts of service (though do still like to hold hands or have a kiss/cuddle) and need some personal space. Do you know what you would like or he would like? Not everyone needs physical affection but some respond to things such as words of affirmation instead? Maybe even doing something thoughtful for him, and that may make him return the favour when he realises how good it’s made him feel?
My DH wakes up much earlier than me on a weekday as our working hours differ. But each morning when I go to the kitchen, he has sat out my mug and spooned the coffee into it for me. It’s honestly my favourite thing, to know that he’s taken the time out of his day to show his affection. Would something like that be worth trying?

I feel the same as you OP. I don't think you can make it happen if it's not natural for you as a couple. I wish I had it though.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. You're not weird its just everyone has their own dynamic in a relationship. Also your DS is still very young and I am sure you're both knackered. If you think back to your earlier days together, in the honeymoon phase was you more affectionate? Life and all of its responsibilities can sometimes take precedence over other aspects of our lives but it may be just be a temporary phase. Are you in the city by any chance? It is very refreshing to hear you are a mum in your early twenties! All the best 💐💐

What are the best bits of your relationship? Do you have fun together?

Displays of affection and gifts and dancing in the sand are all lovely, but other things are important too and arguably better. Are you loyal to each other? Have you stood strong for each other through difficulties? Do you make each other laugh?

If this other couple wasn't there as a comparison would you consider yourself happy?

Don't compare op. For a start you have a child which is exhausting and they become your main priority (both of you)

Also, we have been together 17 years and have 4 kids. We don't hold hands outside as we hold kids hands. We don't both really like publishing displays of affection. It's not needed.

We sit together etc on the sofa and a kiss goodbye and when come home but just a peck.

I have foun, and not always, that those who are overly affectionate in public aren't secure in their marriage. Hence feeling like needing to prove they are OK.

You chose to have a child so incredibly early in your relationship that you didn’t have time to establish a proper relationship for yourselves.

That has consequences.

Sometimes in life we meet people who hold a mirror up to ourselves

it can be uncomfortable

but it can also be the beginning of a few small changes that then become new habits. You can start doing something small.

I am old and have been around long enough to know that people who put a lot of effort into their social media and public life portraying a as perfect relationship often do this to convince themselves and the world that everything is perfect when it actually is not, so I never judge people’s relationship status by that.

You are in a different phase in life and to be honest having young children is the hardest phase in s as relationship and you are still together and mostly happy together and that’s a lot 🤩

Some people just aren't affectionate, I don't think its a reflection of their love, but if you are someone who enjoys that aspect of a relationship it is sad (even though they're not doing anything wrong as such). My ex never showed affection, being with someone now who does suits me personally much better.

My relationship is like your friends (well about 90% of what you describe) and we have been married 15 years. We cuddle watching TV, affectionate hand on leg type thing when sitting by one another, kiss when returning home or leaving for work etc. I feel in the minority that we are like that though to be honest, we have friends who can't stand the sight of their DH/DW, friends who have their down time and watch TV in separate rooms, friends who never socialise together. We do also have some friends who seem quite affectionate but then plenty of times the cracks have shown.

Don't compare yourself to others. However, if you're not happy in how this relationship is then that does need work. Do you love him? Do you fancy him? Could you see yourself without him?

Why do several people have to suggest that affectionate couples are making up for something or having to prove something?

Some of us are just affectionate people

I don't have to prove anything after 32 years and 3 dc

You say your relationship has always been like this yet you've stayed and had a child so why is it important now? Is it because of your friends?

I wouldn't be able to have such a cold relationship where we sat at opposite ends of the room, didn't touch each other or kiss. It simply wouldn't work for me and I would have ended it quite quickly.