Not really sure what's up or what I want from this but just need to vent. Maybe IABU and have silly expectations and this is standard post Xmas feeling.
My hometown is 4 hours from where me DH and DC live. This year we travelled down to spend Xmas with my mum, stepdad, brothers and grandma.
I was really looking forward to it, perhaps I built it up in my mind too much but I was ready for some down time from work and had planned a few things like day trip to local National Trust place, Santa visit etc.
We stayed 6 days in total which maybe was too much as I feel like being around my family that long has left me feeling out of sorts and I've been reflecting on few things since we came home:
- Barely got to spend any time with mum as she was constantly in kitchen and always too busy. We offered to help/ cook/ buy takeaway several times and I made it clear before we came that we didn't want to add stress and could share the load with food prep etc but she doesn't like delegating and is a bit of a control freak in kitchen. Every time we visit she is laser focused on food prep and always too busy to chat and refuses help, it ends up taking up all the time. We do try to prevent this and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for the effort she makes but sometimes I'd rather we just get a takeaway and spend day chatting and playing cards to spend proper time together. I don't think she'd be able to do this though, it's like she has to be busy, not just at Xmas, any time of year and regardless of whether we visit or she visits us - this was always the way in childhood too
- My siblings are indifferent to me. I've tried to make more of an effort the past few years but to no avail. I see my DH siblings more these days and when I see bond he has with them I feel sad that I can't recreate that with mine and probablynever will.
- Cousins I was close to as a child are now like strangers. See them once a year now at Xmas and lack of relationship feels like a failure. Our lives have gone in different directions, we don't have much in common now but can't help but feel crap about it. Again I have tried to make an effort - text's have gone unanswered, invitations to visit never followed up etc. We were a proper extended family 25 years ago. Now it's just a bit forced and awkward at annual Xmas family gathering. It's not been same since Aunt passed away 15 years ago.
- An elderly relative always comes up in conversation - grandma's sibling. I stay out of those conversations as I don't like what they say about them - constantly criticising what this relative says/ does, judging them, nasty remarks - it really is awful. It's been that way for 25 years. The same topic of conversation. Each time I visit, I'm more appalled by what I hear and even Xmas dinner it was all they could talk about.
I suppose all of the above has just made me feel like I'm not really close to any of my family now and perhaps I see them in a new light each time I visit and this time it wasnt a great light. They are either so preoccupied/ busy, indifferent, like strangers or discussing other relatives in a way I don't agree with (I do wonder if they gossip about me when I'm not there - they probably do)
My DH joined me and muddled along while we were there, he gets on well with everyone but i know he feels like everything is a bit forced and rigidly planned when we go there.
He comes from a family where it's more about the spending time together - food prep is done as a team and part of being together, everyone pitches in. I've seen this in action a lot now and so maybe I'm inadvertently comparing families which I shouldn't do.
But sometimes I feel like my family is now just a collection of individuals who are forced together for occasions like Xmas but the sense of togetherness and 'family' isn't there anymore and no matter what I do (trying with siblings/ cousins, attempting to get mum to be less busy) it's not going to work.