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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being paranoid or what should I do?

30 replies

ellie09 · 01/01/2025 22:33

I think I already posted before about my fiance and some doubts I had on what I had seen on his phone (whilst shoulder surfing).

Basically, I like to think we are honest and transparent with one another. We both have friends of the opposite gender etc and we regularly talk about them etc.

Back in October, I saw on his phone that he was messaging a girl with a name I hadn't heard of before on IG. Before jumping to conclusions, I searched her name on his other friends lists on his SM but they weren't friends on anything else.

I became suspicious at the time, but put it back of my head as he does have a lot of gaming friends etc.

Fast forward to tonight, I am lying om his side watching TV. He's on IG again and this girl is back at the top of his IG messages. He is chatting back and forth, but I cant see whats being said as I am at a weird angle. I move, and suddenly he exits the app. He opens it again, so I ask him who that person is, and he says "its people wishing me a happy new year".

I dont know what other SM platform he switched to at some point in the night but I recognised her profile picture again before he quickly switched it off.

I didnt know how else to procesd without coming across accusational, so I let it go.

He was coming to mine for dinner today, and he has his dinner and leaves pretty soon afterwards. I tried having a discussion with him on the wedding planning but he told me to hold off booking anything else "for 2-3 months".

He seems a bit off with me the past couple of days.

I have been cheated on before, and I found out through messages etc, so I dont know if I am being super paranoid or if there is something here amiss.

Am I being unreasonable and being too paranoid about this situation?

If i am not, what do I do next to approach this?

Note: he is very tech savvy so phones are locked well, he stores all his passwords on an app that are random generated etc, so I dont have access to these myself.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 06/01/2025 12:37

Wow he came up with a really emotive lie didn’t he ! Child abuse wow!

what absolute bollocks !

even if there is some truth and she has confided stuff to him, that in itself is an intimacy , you only have secrets and confidences with very special people , close private relationships so it’s still inappropriate, a sister / mum maybe … random from instagram that you have not met , NO!

also I do not keep any secrets from my wife and I would not promise to keep any from her

I would be very pissed off if my wife was keeping people’s secrets as that is crossing a line

bin him
he’s not that into you

pimplebum · 06/01/2025 12:50

… also why did he respond to some random girl he has never dated ? When she “reached out”. ( I believed HE did the reaching )
why didn’t he just block ? Ignore ? He owes her nothing

if they had slept together or dated it would be gentlemanly to text “ nice to hear from you hope you are well ? but I’m off the dating market now I’m getting married , best wishes , Dave”

unless he gives you full access to his phone , a full and complete access of ALL their calls , photos , Snapchat WhatsApp then you have evidence he is a cheater ( I bet you he’s sent knob shots )

really sorry you are dealing with this you deserve better

MounjaroOnMyMind · 06/01/2025 13:03

You know what's going on, OP. He's starting a relationship with this woman and is lying to you about it. Why on earth would some random woman confide in him about her child being sexually assaulted? She's have to be insane to confide in a stranger about that.

It's so important to be able to trust the person you marry - without that, the relationship is worthless. This man is lying to you and telling you to hold fire on wedding plans. He's currently weighing up what to do regarding you and the other woman.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, tbh. I'd dump him now.

toomuchfaff · 06/01/2025 20:52

ellie09 · 06/01/2025 11:51

Just as an update

It did turn into a full blown argument, and I really wasnt too happy.

The argument lasted around 3 hours back and forth and in that time I still wasnt shown the contents of the messages sent.

He claims he cant because she confided in him about "personal stuff" that was dark, and later elaborated that it was apparently an assault of her child years earlier. Even after telling me this, he still wouldn't show the messages, even though I was told?

I told him it wasnt good enough. He then proceeds to block her and unfollow her. Then says I have trust issues and should trust what he is telling me.

Has told me I should respect the fact he values his friends' privacy. And that he would expect me to do so for mine as well.

Its been really quite bad, and I had told him I needed a while to think and collect myself - that I just needed him to stay away for now (he was calling non stop, messaging etc)

You don't realise this is utter horse shit don't you. Just to be clear.

Utter horse shit.

He then proceeds to block her and unfollow her.
Ofcourse he did, in the hopes you then can't find her.

Then says I have trust issues and should trust what he is telling me.
Gaslighting at its finest.

Has told me I should respect the fact he values his friends' privacy.
Thought it's was just some bird on a dating site he never profmgressed with? Now they besties all of a sudden?
And that he would expect me to do so for mine as well.
Gaslighting.

Bin!

Or as the dragons would say - I'm out.

coldcallerbaiter · 06/01/2025 21:00

He shows you or you call off the relationship. I am not normally a LTB type, but I would for this. He is trying to get with her for a while and keep you as his main. Unless she is great and then he would leave you for her. It is what it looks like.

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