Obsession over long lost ex

[Thebigregretter]

I am pretty sure I’m being ridiculous and maybe even having some sort of mental breakdown type moment but I really can’t admit any of this to anyone so here I come to Mumsnet for someone to hopefully talk sense into me or help me see things more clearly/help me out of the obsessive cycle I have found myself in.
Life has not been great for a long time now. Relationship is awful, at times if I’m totally honest abusive (hence why I can’t confide any of this in real life friends). Totally trapped by a combination of having two young children one of whom has SEN and is extremely full on, a mortgage which OH has already threatened to stop paying if I end the relationship to basically ensure we both “lose it all”, I have no family to help me with any of this and am just about keeping my head above water with it all.
When I think back to previous relationships the only regret I have is not binning them off sooner as none of them treated me particularly well. With the exception of one, someone i haven't seen in almost 20yrs and who I have always wondered about over the years and have regretted how I treated him. Sheer nosiness initially made me look for him on social media where he has absolutely zero profiles or presence on anyone else's profile, I found a couple of his family's profiles but nothing much on there other than I ascertained he had a son 13 years ago, no actual photos of him etc so in my thoughts he has always remained the 23yr old man I knew and loved.
As life got unhappier my thoughts returned to him and the urge to know more about him grew, if I’m honest it gives me comfort sometimes on my darkest days to fantasise that I might find him and we rekindle things, I do recognise I’m being absolutely ridiculous but I couldn’t put him out of my head and started to think I really need to see something to show me that he’s not who I've built him up in my head to be, has now also aged/isn’t the same person etc so eventually my digging went a little deeper and I found him on an electoral roll that he was until recently living in a one bedroom flat which to me says he is no longer with his son’s mother. After years of absolutely not a single photo etc on Facebook from anyone who knows him, and I’m ashamed to admit I have spent hours trawling through profiles to try desperately to find him, I completely unexpectedly saw a photo of him yesterday. 20yrs older, but him. Definitely him, with a guy I remember him hanging about with when I knew him. I cried when I saw it after all this time wondering about him. This has totally thrown me. Why have I now seen this photo by chance? After years of wondering about him and actively searching for him? Does this mean something?
I’m going to be brutally honest and say the rational part of me knows my own life has become so miserable that I’m becoming obsessive about what I perceive to be my lost chance of happiness etc and am acting a bit nuts. Even if I were to miraculously track
him down somehow, WTF am I actually going to do? Stake out his home? Then leap out of the car at the first sign of movement and apprehend him, hoping he will be overjoyed to see me and we will…..do what? Leave my horrible OH and totally uproot my kids? Hope OH doesn’t actually commit mortgage abuse? obviously none of this can ever actually happen but I feel this sad, desperate urge to just see him. To feel how I felt when I was with him again. To feel like there is someone out there who is right for me. It’s all crazy and I know I need to stop this constant obsessive thinking about someone who I haven’t seen in the best part of 20yrs and who probably has never given me a second thought and would be horrified if he thought I had actually been obsessing about him like this (obviously I’d never actually admit any of this to him or anyone I know in real life)
I guess what I’m asking is how do I stop
this? How do I stop the constant regret I feel and longing for another chance at life? How do I stop acting so deranged? I know
I'm not behaving normally.

I’m sure anyone who replies will say leave OH, and yes of course I dream about my escape all the time but I am genuinely stuck.
nowhere to go with the kids, he would refuse to leave the house and as mentioned would refuse to pay the mortgage or bills and has even threatened to disappear and not pay maintenance for the kids too. Because I am a homeowner I am not eligible for any housing assistance etc. So I am stuck with someone who not onky refuses to sell the house and go our separate ways but will refuse to contribute towards anything if we do split, meaning I could lose the house etc anyway.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are clearly very unhappy and thinking about this man is a form of escapism.
Thinking about this man isn't bad if it helps you cope but it sounds like it is starting to become more obsessive. You are not going to be in a realtionship with this man. Perhaps you can develop some other strategies that could provide a positive mental break- do you have any hobbies?
It sounds like it would be difficult to leave him but not impossible. It would be a hard time for you for a while but so much better in the long run.

Can you get legal advice? I think some of his threats are empty threats.
I think you need to escape in new things like imagining your new life, searching where you could live and what options you have... or binge read, watch or listen to romance like Bridgerton or Outlander or something.
You don't need an affair and this guy from the past the timing is still bad to rekindle anything, if you're meant to be it will happen when the timing is perfect. He won't rescue you, no prince charming is coming to get you, you have to rid yourself of your marriage by your own..escape and fixate on your freedom and independence.

Honestly life has been so crazy with the stress and sadness of my son’s SEN and the general hamster wheel of being the 24/7 default parent to both kids that hobbies and interests have totally gone out of the window. I hardly ever see my friends and when we do meet for a rare brunch etc I don’t want to spend our precious time out sobbing about my life. (They do know some of the details of OH’s treatment over the years).
I know I need to get new habits even just going for a walk once the kids are in bed.

The mind is a very powerful tool, which can completely rewrite history, make up a whole life with real feelings and emotion but where the boundaries of reality are completely blurred. I once spent two years of my life writing a book, where I had completely fell in love with the main character- ridiculous!!!! (And probably very Freudian!)

Our minds do it for a reason, to help us escape the prison of our lives, give us hope, help repair the abuse we suffer. But it's not real. What you are feeling is not reality, you have filled the gaps with what you want in a partner, how you want to be treated, how you want your life to be.

I think you need to untrap yourself from your situation. Nothing is impossible. It might take years- a secret saving pot for example to build up a deposit for a rental, finding a secure job to be independent. You can do this. This is a sign that for your own sanity you need to,

Thanks for your replies. I do quite frequently look at alternatives such as shared ownership. It would be actually getting him to agree to selling the house and what shit he would put me through in terms of
mortgage abuse, dripping poison in the kids ears, he has already threatened to make
false allegations about me. There’s so much. I just don’t have the mental strength for any of it any more and I’m sure this is where my fixation on my long lost ex has come from, but it’s becoming unhealthy in that I’m getting tearful at the memory of him/what could
have been/longing to find him etc etc etc and now I’ve seen this photo randomly the urge to disappear from my life and find him is almost unbearable, even though the rational part of me knows I am being mental here.

I too have an SEN kid, it's not easy to a. Find time but b. Actually have the head space for anything more than being a parent.

I decided to sew, mainly quilts however I have found embroidery much cheaper and easier to find a space for with quicker results (all skills learned from YouTube). I do this whilst listening to podcasts and audio books. BBC sounds has an ace range of podcasts (I like disaster tales and crime and ghost stories I'm sure there will be a few Uncanny fans there n here!) though I'm currently watching virgin river!

When I was younger I lost myself for a hour a night writing- it was like a second lesson for me, pure escapism.

Use this time to decompress, heal your mind and find a way to get out!

I don’t know what to say and I’m not implying this is made up but if this was a story I would want to read it

@catphone i dont know what to say to that either but sadly no none of this is made
up and I don’t know what would make you think so?! But cheers x

He's being this way too control you. It will get to a point where you say do your worst, and his threats although he may carry some out won't have the desired effect because you have control of your own life not him.

My ex made my life hell or tried too. Very messy court hearings but every single nasty thing he did, I countered it with either the law or silence and carried on with life. It took two years to get him out but I did it.

In the thick of it I told my mum that my life is over now, I'm living for my child only. I'm so glad I got out, god knows what my life would be like today or crucially my child's.

I think the fantasising about your ex is totally understandable given what you're dealing with at home. You're not deranged - you're unhappy.

I also think that some of his threats are empty ones - he's unlikely to want to lose the equity in your house and make himself destitute. If you lose the house, you and your children will be housed by your local council, but I doubt it will come to that.

If I were you, I would get some legal advice. Are you working? If not, look at whether you can get some part time work at least or work from home. You need to build your confidence because he's worn you down and made you afraid that you can't manage alone. I promise you that you can. Speak to Women's Aid for advice on how to end an abusive relationship and they can direct you towards financial/legal advice. Good luck OP 💐

The magic is when you start believing you can and will get out of this, you start feeling better about the future and more resilient to his threats, you become stronger and your husband will be baffled how he can no longer trigger you... start living as if he is a lodger, civil but dont engage. Any spare energy and time you have dream of your new life, do things that are healthy and good for your wellbeing. The crush escape will hinder your progress its like trying to cope by drinking alcohol sure you will escape briefly but then you have more and newer problems..escape in healthy ways that will get you closer to your new life and don't believe everything your husband says, do your own research.

Don't stay in this situation for financial reasons. If you lose the house so be it. Nothing is more important than your mental wellbeing. Speak to womens aid and seek legal advice. You can't live like this and I'm sure in years to come will regret the years spent staying in this situation. I know its so difficult to see a way out, but start to work out an escape plan now.

You aren’t mad or deranged. You have great insight into your situation.

I agree there is an element of escapism and you projecting the life you want (and deserve) on to this man.

But also, I get a real sense you are feeling pretty powerless. When you feel like this, it’s seductive to think the solution lies in some external person intervening to save you from your troubles or seeing and appreciating you for who you really are. I know because I’ve been there!

I want to encourage you to believe that you can change your life yourself. Not just if another person is there to save you or bolster you. It sounds like there are really serious obstacles to you looking after your own interests but a good lawyer could help if you’re married. If you’re cohabiting it’s a bit trickier but if you’re both on the deeds there may be a way around it.

Sending you a big hug.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. I pray you get the strength to leave your marriage OP

Looking back to a simpler and happier time is the easiest way to achieve a short term mental escape, something that gives you a break from the stress of life as it currently is.

You already know that the fantasy of this man is something you have created and probably nothing like him or what life with him would be like.

Instead of escaping to a world where he is the answer to all your problems note down things that would make life better, anything you like from time to have an evening walk to living mortgage free. I strongly believe when we have things in front of us in black and white it helps the mind to work on solutions both consciously and unconsciously. It's often called manifesting or asking the universe, but has quite a sound neurological basis.

Getting the evening walk may improve your health and wellbeing, giving you a more positive outlook that helps you see other ways in which you can change things, for example thinking I'm enjoying the walks so I'll look at joining a walking group. You then meet people who bring you more positve experiences and ideas into your life, bringing incremental improvements to your overall situation. Life expands into new possibilities rather than shrinking into regret for times, place and people who no longer exist.

It's rare for someone to swoop down and rescue us but you have the ability to help yourself. Bit by bit the small steps will add up and lead you towards a better real life future.

1. As pp have said, get legal/financial information. You keep saying the finances of separation don’t work but the truth is, you don’t know that until you have actual facts and figures in front of you.

2 don’t dwell on what might have been with this guy, use the memories to think of what might be with someone new down the road once you sort out your current situation. 3 I don’t know if this will help with your obsession but I can tell you about my own experiences recently. Over the past couple of years I managed to make contact with 2 men (boys really) I had known in my 20’s. They weren’t ex- boyfriends but they were each men i remembered as charismatic, funny and lovely people and from time to time I would wonder what they were up to. Well they both turned out to be a massive disappointment. They weren’t arseholes but they were dull, low-energy and timid middle-aged men who really had nothing of any interest to say when we met. So I suppose I would say that chances are that your fantasies about this guy are wildly inaccurate. Hope that might help a little.

You need to separate out your obsession with your ex and your current situation- then sort out your current situation.

As I understand it:
You are not married to OH
You have two DC with OH
One DC has SEN
You own a house jointly- meaning you are both on the mortgage.

Is that right?

Can you tell us:
Do you work - if so full-time and approx what do you earn?
How much is your mortgage monthly?
What is the equity in your home?
Does your DC have a diagnosed condition and qualify for any benefits because of his/her SEN?
Do you have any family support near you?

Not being nosey- just helps us see what your options might be.

You have options to leave/separate from OH -whatever he says. Go and get yourself some decent legal advice.

The other thing - the obsession with your ex is pie in the sky. You have no idea of his situation in life, state of mind, what kind of life he has lived, if he would even remember you never mind be interested - and that's aside from your current state of mind being so upset and vulnerable.
He might be gay, involved with someone, be an alcoholic/addict, have mental health issues/ treat women badly, be violent, have committed crimes, be racist, a Tommy Robinson follower, have not bothered to work for years, and be entirely uninterested in you or in any relationship at all.
You are seeing him as some sort of saviour - he's a stranger just living what sounds like a quiet,modest life, completely unaware of you and your problems. Leave him alone until you are in a much, much better place with yourself. He has no responsibility for you or your problems and you have no idea whether he is anyone who would bring anything positive and not damaging even if you were to meet him ever again.

This is a bit harsh. Pretty sure the OP doesn’t need a drubbing or shaming because they’ve idolised a random bloke from their past. She shouldn’t feel embarrassed about that, as there is a pretty good explanation for why that’s occurred. Life with a dick partner, no financial security and a child with SEND is about as hard as it gets.

I haven't said anything negative or shaming about the OP. I haven't criticised her at all.

you could speak to woman’s aid and see what advice they have ? The escapism is an expression that you desperately want to leave your husband and have a chance of a happy relationship with someone else again. Once you’ve gotten away from husband you’re free to reach out to your ex , a friend request and message on social media. Don’t expect much. Best not muddy waters with contacting him before you’ve split.

I didn’t think it was made up. What is wrong with you. If you’re picking fights with me then you know what maybe it is made up.
I said if it was a story I would want to read it
I even clarified in the 3 line message you were responding to that I don’t think it is made up
I haven’t got any patience left today 😑

Hi OP ì have done this as well in a very dark and sad time of my marriage when I was convinced I'd landed in the wrong place with the wrong marriage and wrong in laws who were making my life hell. In my case it was a musician who was a friend of a friend of a friend who had been flirty with me years before and who made me feel special.and better about myself after feeling terrible for so long. That feeling became addictive and I must admit I did become a bit obsessive for a while, luckily the musician's girlfriend told me to sort of back off and stop liking his posts on sm etc which I did do.

I suppose what I'm saying is having a crush, especially on someone from the past who remembers us pre kids, can bring us comfort and make us feel better when we are in an unhappy situation, there is nothing unusual about that at all.

In my case, a close relative became ill and that sharpened my focus and made me realise I wanted to prioritise the marriage which I've since done and we have worked on our problems but I'm grateful I just had a crush rather than an affair. Life is long and crushes happen from time to time.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy and I wish for you that you are able to sort things out in 2025.

You fantasies is your brain's trick to protect you from having to make changes. Change is scary and, in your case, it also comes with trauma. So you are dissociating from reality. But this won't change anything. You will continue to live with trauma inflicted by your OH and to perpetuate your own victim story.
Yes, leaving your OH is scary and unpleasant but, unless you take steps to do it, you will be destined to continue to live in an abusive situation while your brain merrily dissociates. It's no way to live.
Now, you don't have to do anything drastic but making an appointment with women's aid of CAB is a good first step to find out what are the legal ins and outs of separation. Remember that what your OH is threatening is just him exercising control over you. He doesn't actually know what he can and cannot legally do because he doesn't need to look it up. He has you hook, line and sinker. He doesn't need facts getting away of a good control strategy. But you do need the facts in order to escape. So go get them.
There isn't an ex in shining armour to help you make your life better. You can do it yourself.

I would suggest you do this in parts . Set a divorce up , yes your husband could decide to stop paying the mortgage , but surely the bank / brokers/ building society has delt with this before . Could you take a mortgage break and the payback to the mortgage people is taken once the house sells ?
With the proceeds you could buy shared ownership or rent .
Set up a uc claim , on here I've heard you can be living in the same house ( if he refuses to leave ) but separated .
Also realistically , with all the above going on you probably won't have the time , energy nor emotionally available for another relationship to throw in the mix of it all .
Give yourself time , to become you . Hopefully happier and settled .
Is this man a fantasy ? Yes he is , most of us occasionally think of our past loved and what could have been .
Maybe once your life is back to being happier and you feel more settled the fantasy of him will face and disappear , if not find a real life man and see how that goes , but I can't suggest strongly enough to say don't look towards a man to heal your life , you have to do that yourself . There are very few knights in shining armour out there and I can't help but think you are looking for one .