Am I overreacting?

[AllyDally]

Seems to be a theme over my nearly 19 year relationship. DH regularly lies/omits things, mainly small pointless stuff and it drives me mad.

Loads of egs over the years, early one was that he told me he was going to Alicante with some friends (for their 40ths) but they were going to Benidorm. Embarrassing as I found out from his friends, why lie about that. Also another time when the kids were really young he was going skiing with friends, said they were trying to decide on number of nights, he said he told them he would prefer 3 but everyone else said 5. He asked me to find an email for him about the trip when he was at work (before he had email on his mobile) and in the email trail he had said he was definitely up for 5 nights.

Loads of similar sort of things, never really that important and not stuff I would even care about but I hate dishonesty.

A regular occurrence is that he'll go to the pub, say he's just having 1, or message and say he's finishing his pint and will be home (pub is in next street) then come home hours later slurring etc. Often I'll be waiting to do dinner or order takeout, he did it once on mothers day which was quite upsetting.

Today, he decided he needed to take all decs down, then left them everywhere and buggered off to pub, then football. Messaged after football to say he's having a pint then will be home. Came home 2.5hrs later, slurring.

I had spent my last day off clearing up the decs ready to go back in loft, then hoovered etc and cooked dinner. He seemed surprised I wanted the decs away in the loft even though he knows he stitched me up by doing half a job then disappearing. The boxes took up the whole lounge so they couldn't be left.

I don't understand why he didn't just arrange an evening out with his mate, it would have been fine. It's a mate he hasn't seen for ages but why take the xmas decs down, arrange to come home early but then not do that.

He is ignoring me as I tried to talk to him to say I thought what he did was unfair but as always he won't discuss anything, he refuses to talk then waits till I'm over it and we carry on like normal.

Is this normal behaviour? Am I over reacting or am I just a mug?

He sounds very immature. This avoidant behaviour will stem from his childhood somehow so years of practice will take real dedication from him to unravel and change. It’s likely that he can’t stand ‘getting in trouble’ so rather than tell the truth and face possible displease from your his go to is to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It’s unlikely to be malicious but I imagine it’s very difficult to deal with in an adult relationship. On top of the fibbing is the, probably more annoying, trait of him being so unreliable and selfish with his time, you have to wait round to see when he’s actually going to appear or do something he said he’s going to do. He needs to own his behaviour, it’s the start of gaslighting behaviour which can really mess your head up so you’re right to find it unacceptable

You need a medal for tolerating this behaviour for 19 years

I'm wondering if he lies because he thinks he'll get grief for telling the truth? Some men believe it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, have you argued a lot about these things? I'm not saying it's ok, I'd be fuming if dh was telling stupid little lies as I'd wonder what else he was hiding.

Stuff like being longer than intended the pub is minor and forgivable (imo) but lying about where he is going on a lads trip is really odd. What did he say when you asked him why? What on earth was his excuse??

He had a very difficult childhood, alcoholic dad and his mum left when he was 18 months. His step mum eventually left his dad due to the drinking.

It's definitely the selfish bit that I get so frustrated with. The lies are daft. He has now spent the evening tidying stuff that doesn't need tidying, not really speaking to me and has now just gone to bed. Not spent any time together on our last evening before back to work etc

I don't know, I have never given him grief for stuff, I go out plenty and come back late myself (i dont say im finishing my drink and will be back soon though).

Re the trip, they flew to Alicante, he asked me to book the flights so his answer was that he didn't lie, he asked me to book flights to Alicante. He knew they were going to Benidorm but I guess he thought that sounded worse than going to Alicante.

I know the staying at pub late is minor but why say he's just finishing his drink when he knows full well he's not. Drives me crazy.

his behaviour makes sense to him then hey 😕 I guess it would be therapy for him to break some of these habits. If he doesn’t want to or feels he can’t do that then it will be a case of how much you feel you can put up with it

I sometimes feel the same, he was definitely more considerate early on. All he seems to do now is focus on work, whilst I have to do everything with the kids, house, dogs and I also work full time. It feels like he has checked out as he's so used to me doing everything so now he doesn't even bother to take anyone else into consideration.

OP you seem perpetually surprised by his behaviour when he's been like this for nearly 20 years.

He tells lies, lets you down and doesn't do what he says. He's done that all your relationship and won't change.

You say you hate dishonesty yet have tolerated it for decades.

Have you posted about this before OP? I remember a post about a DH lying about holiday destination for no reason ....

@Flipslop he has had lots of therapy for various things over the years but this was always for stuff that happened when he was young. More for helping his depression and anxiety, not for his behaviour on our relationship.

@username299 yeah I know, I think it is worse now or maybe that now the kids are older, and so am I, that I am less tolerant. Re the dishonesty, I have told him over and over to just tell me that he's staying out but he still does the same thing.

I couldn’t actually tolerate a relationship like this. Just distressing on many levels.

I know OP, it's tough.💐

Possibly, I can't remember, it was about 17 years ago that happened but I may have mentioned it many years ago on MN. I haven't posted specifically about his behaviour though.

I don't think he realises how upsetting it actually is. Because it's not major stuff I am sure he thinks I am overreacting.

There is really no motivation for him to change. Him giving you the cold shoulder for calling him out on it is him making his position very clear, this is your problem not his.
does he do this to the kids too?

No, I don't think there are many times when there has been the opportunity with the kids, although he has no patience woth them, my eldest DS was upset last night and walked away from DH but rather than trying to comfort him he was more annoyed that he had walked away from him. He is really immature like that.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, he sounds very emotionally immature 😕

Re the Decs. Was it done on purpose to keep you busy so he could stay out later?

@Flipslop thank you, it feels really nice just getting it off my chest actually. He definitely is emotionally immature, perhaps it just seems worse now that we are older. He is late 50s, I am mid 40s, kids are both left school now.

He sounds like a PITA but I’m not sure there’s much lying here - I mean Alicante is pretty much Benidorm, he might have suggested 3 nights initially and he may intend to have one pint however much he probably knows he won’t.

I would focus on how you aren’t prepared to be married to a selfish man child, more than a liar.

Start by divvying up household tasks..

I really don't think that he even thought that far ahead. He just started doing it as we had mentioned we may do it today but he didn't get up till after 11 and was leaving the house at 1. In his head he thinks he will just have a pint but he is the sort of person who can't say no to just one more. If I cared about him staying out then I could understand it but he knows I don't, I just want him to communicate properly (something he is absolutely dreadful at doing).

I imagine he is actually autistic and has ADHD, our youngest does and their behaviour is identical. This probably doesn't help things from his part.

Glad if feels good to share x

Yeah some of it is lying by ommission. I mean if you're going on holiday to Benidorm why say you're going to Alicante, he's clearly said that purposely but it's so unimportant. He definitely didnt suggest 3 nights, I saw the email and his initial reply was that hed like to go for the longer stay but i do get why he lied as the kids were 5 & 3 so he probably thought id be unhappy about it. And yes I'm sure he does intend to only go for a pint but when he says he's just finishing it and appears hours later wasted then he knows at the time he's lying.

But yes, I don't think that's what is bothering me, it's exactly what you have said. Everything falls to me, I am exhausted, I have a lot on my plate and I feel like it's all boiled up tonight.