To want to stop visiting my family who lives abroad as much?

[Bitesize89]

I am originally from Canada and been living in the UK for 6 years now, I met a Brit and fell and love when he was on a work assignment in Canada and decided to move here because I always wanted to try and live abroad and also because I didn't feel that close to my family and wanted to travel to Europe ect. My mother is ill with a very rare and complex autoimmune disease. I've been around her and my dad helping take care of her since I was 14. I felt immense guilty when I moved here as I thought to myself I had to take care of my dad and mum getting older ect. My dad is now retired and my sister moved back in with my parents she is 31. After lots of therapy I've come to realize my family is very disfunctional and that I put in more effort with them than they do with me. For example in the 6 years I've lived here they only came to visit me twice, granted the pandemic lasted almost two years but recently I went back home with DD and DH and DD is two so the journey to travel almost 14 hrs was exhausting and came back burnt out. My dad told me he doesn't think he'll come to visit me anytime soon and was vague about something to do with my mum's health. Everytime I ask for specific I am given vague answers. Last year I spent all my A/L with them. They met us abroad and I visited home and had no A/L left for my husband and I to take doing something we wanted or even for a day here or there for ourselves. My dad and sister have made comments saying I should have planned for that when I moved abroad. Now they have helped with paying for flights which I am very grateful for but what recently sparked a lot of resentment in me is that they always guilt trip me saying they wish we would move back. I finally considered it and my DH agreed was ready to relocate but asked them if we could stay at their house for a few months while we find jobs, and buy a house when arrive back in Canada. My dad said he would help but said we couldn't stay with them for more than 3 months, this was extreme insulting as my sister had been living there almost a year now and hasn't said anything to her about moving out. They also own a massive house where we would be able to live in the basement and not disrupt their lives too much. I don't want to sound entitled but after lots of thought and therapy I decided to stop trying ad much and not go visit them an entire year next year as I feel like I am giving everything and they give barely anything in return plus make me feel crap about myself. I want to focus on spending my A/L with my own little family at least a year but I am wondering if reading all this AIBU for feeling this way about them? My dad also threw in a comment when I went to visit them about how he cares more about my mum than us (his daughters) in life and how he thinks my husband will feel the same at his age.

I'd say just do what works for you and your family. It's hard to please anyone/everyone in this situation and it's a long way to travel, especially with a small child. As you often don't enjoy being there it's probably better to say 'we are going on a family holiday to x this year but we'll see you next xmas' or whatever you choose to do.

I have a friend who moved to New Zealand from the UK and she comes back about once every six years.

Presumably it isn't very easy for you dad to travel if he is a carer for your mum and I agree they could have been more supportive about helping you move back if that is what they want. I don't blame you though for wanting to focus on yourself and your family and use your AL for what you want to do. I get on really well with my family but I don't want to spend all my holidays visiting them and would be even less keen if it involved an expensive and long plane trip

Honestly it seems a bit difficult to say from the info you have given.
Obviously you have the right to spend your leave how you like, and if you don't want to use it travelling back to Canada, fair enough. I'm not sure that it's fair to complain that they've only visited you twice though. They've had the pandemic, advancing age, and a complex medical disorder to contend with, plus the fact that indeed you were the one that decided to move away not them... I don't think you can really demand that they should have visited you more.
In terms of living with your parents - is your sister living there to help take care of your mum? In which case that's an entirely different prospect to you moving in with a partner and young child, which could explain the different rules for her and you.

When you choose to move abroad you can't expect others to come visit you all the time - it was your decision not theirs and it sounds like with health conditions it would be tricky.

Spend your AL how you like. Not unreasonable at all to use it on breaks for your family.

You need to do what works for you. It's harder to travel when you're older, medical insurance for travel with complex conditions can be hard to get, if you can get it at all, or prohibitively expensive.

I think it was reasonably generous of them to offer to let you live with them for three months. Yes, your sister may be living with them, but that might be why it's harder for them to fit you in. I don't think they have to make room just because a sibling has a more permanent arrangement to live there.

Don't use all your annual leave if you go to visit. Save some for rest time.

It might be best to accept that you now live abroad and won't see them as much. Maybe you could talk to your sister and ask if she could manage to look after them and maybe she could have the bulk of the inheritance if there is one.

We have family abroad and I think is what will happen with us.

What is their income level? twice in 6 years visiting isn’t completely unreasonable given the cost of long haul tickets and the fact you’ve also been over in between. I have family further away than canada and I’ll only be able to see them every 3 years or so due to prices and wanting to visit other places.

Also depending on your mums health, long haul flights may wipe her out for a while (hard to say when we don’t know what illness) and extended legroom seats/first class may be necessary comfort wise. I do think as you’ve moved away the onus would be on you to visit more often. It is sad though that they can’t accommodate you more than 3 months to return. Would they help still financially after 3months? However it is a long time to have extra relatives stay. Your sister from the info you’ve given doesn’t sound like she has a partner staying/kids so may just slot in than a larger family staying and accommodations made for kids.

I wouldn’t relocate yet given the info you’ve shared, as it sounds like you are happy in the UK and would only be doing to appease them, and as your dad said he cares more about your mum than his daughters. It doesn’t sound as if it’s in the best interest of your immediate family (DD and DH) so that’s what I would act on. Definitely use your leave to go elsewhere while you have the option.

I have lived abroad for many years, and I think 2 visits in 6 years considering covid, your mums health etc. is perfectly reasonable. I actually don’t expect family to come visit, especially since I was the one who made the decision to move abroad. Same with DH who is from my home country too. Family visits are a bonus for us, not an expectation.

We have only managed 4 home visits in 11 years to give you some perspective and we have 3 very young children.

Do you want to leave the U.K.? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. If you are happy here and relocating to Canada only for family, would you resent the upheaval.
It sounds like it’s too much for your mum and dad to travel here for holidays with your mum’s health but you don’t have to go every year.

Canada to Europe once every 3 years is a very reasonable frequency. I don’t know why you are expecting them to travel to see you more often. If you manage the same in routine then you could see them every 18 months on average. That is excellent for family that lives on another continent.

I'm not convinced that moving abroad obligates you to go and visit anyone you leave behind. Either you can or want to, so do, or can't or don't want to. My view may be coloured by being the child of parents who moved abroad from family and never visited them because they couldn't afford to.

These situations are so tricky, I think you need to be selfish and do what's right for yourself and your own family, assuming your parents are not super elderly despite your Mum's health concerns.
I am married to an Aussie we both hold dual citizenship for the UK and Australia. In the first instance I moved to Australia to be with him we lived there for 8.5 years, we came to the UK to visit 4 times in that period, but the 4th time was unplanned for a funeral. My parents came to Australia a lot, probably every 6 months or so. We moved to the UK once my Mum was widowed. We've now lived here for 8.5 years, we have 2 kids one in high school and the younger one still in primary for now. We have been to Australia twice since we moved here, but would probably have been 3 times were it not for COVID. We also met his parents in Thailand once. They have never been to the UK to see us. I think this is a more normal than the frequency with which you've been returning to Canada, it allows to see them but also have some tiny just the 3 of you. We may end up going to Oz annually for the next few years, as his Dad is turning 85 this year and you never know how much time is left. I did actually tell my husband to visit on his own this year but he was very reluctant and never sorted anything out.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. You sound to me as if you’re trying to depict your family as dysfunctional in order to mitigate your obvious guilt about moving overseas and (perfectly reasonably) wanting not to spend all your AL on visiting home. I think you just need to own the discomfort and the choices you end up making when you live far from family. Your family paid for your trips home, visited you twice and are prepared to let you stay for three months should you move back. I don’t think that’s terrible.

Also to add to @PreferMyAnimals thoughts. The first time we flew back to Oz to visit my in-laws in 2019 I was sat next to this 20 year old on the plane. She was an Aussie and she'd just spent 5 or 6 weeks in Europe with her friend. Her Dad was British and he'd never taken her or her siblings to the UK to see his parents, and his parents had never been out to see them. This girl had taken just 1 day out of her European trip to visit her Grandma for the first time. I was quite horrified by this tale, but it is what some people do by choice or circumstance.

Not similar scenario to yours as Spain is much closer but I feel what you are going through. I’ve been in this country several years (around 15 I think). My family only started coming to visit me when my son was born and only once a year (they’re retired). I don’t spend as much holiday as my company allows me to work from Spain so I tend to go once on my own and another time with my son and work from there. Travelling it’s important for me so I used to spend 12 days visiting them (I tend to travel when there is bank holidays) and the remaining travelling. I know Canada is much further so you might want to go for longer. If that’s the case I’d go one year long visit and the following year maybe 1 week so you visit them but don’t spend all your holidays. Maybe around Xmas or Easter time when there are more bank holidays

This was my childhood too. My parents moved abroad, never visited family as they couldn't afford the trip. My grandmothers each came out once when I was a child. Now that me and my sibling have moved back, we don't visit our parents much. Yes it's expensive but I think their example has set a precedent. They have come to see us a few times. We all live quite far apart and their moving abroad really set me and my sibling up for quite a isolated existence. It's left my parents isolated too and they have a lot of regret.

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to use an entire years annual leave visiting them when you have your own young family. I also think it's unreasonable to ask you to move back without offering you a base from which to start again if they're perfectly capable of doing that.

Yes I agree.
Also having a 3month limit on you staying there is perfectly reasonable. Your mum is in ill health having 3 more people one being a young child in the house is a lot to cope with

100% this.

OP I think it may help you to join Canucks in thr UK or another similar group on Facebook. What you will find is that almost everyone says the same thing - their family doesn’t visit that often, they feel like they are going home all the time and spending all their money and feeling guilty.

Being Canadian you should know that 2-3 weeks isn’t uncommon for annual leave and your dad is just recently retired. You have more leave, are more flexible, don’t have a complicated illness and can travel.

And yeah I’ve been exactly where you are and have travelled alone to go home with two very young children so I can speak from experience.

i Seriously hope your psychiatrist didn’t tell you that your family is dysfunctional because they don’t visit. Again this is very normal and not unique to you at all.

They have paid for you to come home which is great. How big is your place and can it accommodate your parents needs?

They want you to move back because on their eyes you left them. They miss you and this again is perfectly normal. You want to move into their house with a young child and they already have their other daughter living there - going from two to six is a big ask.

I think your expectations are a bit wrong and very common for those of us who have moved abroad.

Also,
unkess you have been in this position it’s hard to give advise without the experience.

One of those things. Put it to sleep. He has your sister, she lives with them, she will arrange the care, take the inheritance and that is that.