To not just hand his share of the money to ds?

[Liesmorelies]

My ds will be going to uni in September and I have another dc likey to go in 2027 as well. I'm divorced and their father doesn't contribute financially, though he has made noises about doing so once they're at uni but I'll believe it when I see it. CMS involved but he's a low earner with wealthy parents/ inheritance.

Each child has a ctf worth around £10k which they expect to have to spend while at uni. My earnings mean they will be able to borrow the minimum amount but it's only in the last few years I've earned at this level. I had to buy ex out of the house, was left with some marital debt and have had to be the sole provider for the dc throughout their lives- ex was sahp. House has also needed some work doing. As a result my savings are minimal though I do have a £20k inheritance which has been in an isa and will mature in 12 months.

Ds1 and I have always had a very open relationship and he is a bit 'old beyond his years.' When we've discussed uni he has been concerned about finances and I've told him about the £20k and phrased it as half each for him and his sibling.

However, now I think I might well be able to meet a fair amount of his monthly costs from my salary and may not need to use all of the 20k/his share of it. I do have to pay a further 10k to ex when youngest child turns 21 so if I could have some left for that it would be great. However, I'm worried ds will see this as unfair and will be expecting the full £10k as that's how I've previously explained it. Does it sound unreasonable not to do it that way and just give him what he needs as and when?

If he asks tell him plans have changed.

He's still being funded through uni, he'd have to be extremely rude and entitled to dare complain.

Is it actually in a child trust fund? If so, it’s not your money to choose what to do with.

I think as long as he's still getting his CTF the rest is up to you. Circumstances change. He'd he unreasonable to expect a claim on your only savings. But he'd budget better if you could offer e.g. £200 a term or whatever rather than money as and when.

So he’s getting 10k from the ctf and you will be giving him money each month? That sounds ok, unless of course that inheritance was actually left to the kids, although it doesn’t sound as if that’s the case.

I think as long as you discuss it with him in advance that's perfectly reasonable.

@Mrsttcno1 he'll obviously get his ctf and could choose not to spend it on uni but he intends to as he knows I'm not a bottomless pit yet am a relatively high earner. The £20k is separate from that and is in my name only. Happy for it all to go to dc but that is definitely my choice.

If he is getting the minimal loan then you should really contribute to make it up to the full loan. But he should also get a job if some kind to help himself - most Unis I've visited have emphasised how they support finding jobs (and some would have minimal conflict with studies).

If you are open with your son you need to explain that you are supposed to keep at least 6 months wages in savings to deal with emergencies.

I imagine if you’re topping up his loan to the maximum you’ll be giving him at least £10k over the course so you are doing what you said. Your DS doesn’t need to know that it’s coming from your salary rather than savings - none of his business, really.

I think you need to be open with him. It is your money, but as you have already told him that he will be getting half, I think it might cause resentment/confusion if you dont explain why you want to change this.

You say you have an open relationship with him, im sure he will understand.

You need to pay your ex £10k in 5 years so I would definitely be keeping £10k of your inheritance aside for that.
that way it’s safe should your work situation change and you haven’t been able to save another £10k in that time.

id also be keeping the remaining £10k of your inheritance in savings for your own protection. What will you do if you have a big house expense or you lose your job / need long term sick leave and you’ve given your savings to your son, who by then would technically have considerably more than you in the bank?

if you can help your son out at uni out of your salary then great. But he’s got £10k in his CTF he can budget with and he can get a part time job to support himself too.

hes simply told that while yes you’d like to think you’d be able to give him and his brother the £20k at some point in their lifetime there is no guarantee because of the above.

Your son could get a job?

He has a part time job but only does a few hours a week as he needs to be concentrating on A levels. He'll be looking for a summer/holiday job yes but, depending on where he ends up going, he may not be able to work term time. Regardless, I do want him to work and he intends to, but ideally that will be to fund his social life and extras, not essential living costs.

I do have to pay a further 10k to ex when youngest child turns 21

their father doesn't contribute financially,

These 2 statements don't add up, if dad hasn't contributed for a significant portion of their life, he'd be getting sweet FA when the youngest turns 21. Off topic, but raging on your behalf.

I presumed it’s a contractural part of the divorce regarding the house sale. I agree though

Presumably this won't be a problem until the summer? Can you save up for the next 6months or so?

I would talk to him. Agree with pp about keeping 10k back for emergencies and to pay off ex.

Then you could say to oldest son that he can have 5k now with a monthly top up of £100(or whatever) for the 3 years of his course. Or he can have a larger monthly amount but not the lump sum. Try to calculate it so that it adds up to roughly the same and hopefully more then 10k if affordable.

You can then offer the same to youngest if he goes to uni.

My mum passed on nearly all of the maintenance from my dad once I was in uni. My loan and grant covered accomodation but not much else so that money (about 300 a month) was perfect to cover food, top up fees, course equipment. I was wealthy compared to most of my friends and only worked summers to top up my savings so could focus on my course (intense design course).

I'd be submitting a request to CSA so to get anything from deadbeat dad in the meantime. I mean if dad is " entitled" to 10k, then he has 10k to contribute to his children and their education loans surely?

I agree, not sure CSA works that way though, it’s a stupid system

Yes, I don't think I can do anything about the 10k, but I do appreciate everyone's outrage on my behalf! I will absolutely be waiting for him to ask for it though because in his shoes I'd be too embarrassed. Really a big factor holding me back from doing it this way is the person who left it me would be absolutely spinning in her grave to see it all go to him. It does make me feel a bit guilty as she worked and saved all her life for that money and I could be handing it over to an absolute waster 😞.

Things and circumstances change. Don't give it all over when it's not needed.

Isn’t it swings and roundabouts? If you give him £10k you can then rebuild your savings from your ongoing salary.

Personally I would tell him it is committed towards supporting him through Uni and you will transfer an amount in a termly basis

Personally I like to stick to my word.

If you've actually told your DS that the money will be there to help him through uni then you'd be very unreasonable to go back on your word.

Minimum loan is not a lot of money.

It would be reasonable to ask him if he wants it as lump sum or a regular amount per month or week.

I actually think you've been too open with DS up to this point

CTF becomes his to spend as he sees fit
In an ideal world you would make up his minimum loan to the maximum or he should make up the shortfall with a job / take a gap year to get a decent wedge of money before going.

Any other money talk shouldn't have included DS, and he and Dc2 shouldn't be relying on the inheritance money as things change. You could become ill and need time off work, house might need a new roof etc etc so anything from that should have been a nice suprise rather than a guarantee. I would have one more conversation with him and let him know that the money situation may change between now and when he starts uni.

Out of that 20k, 10 k of that needs earmarking for the cockwomble of a father who doesn't contribute. Leaving 5k each for the boys or £3k each for the three of you, or ofcourse the £10k for you just in case

I'm grateful for all perspectives on this.

Just to be clear, there is no question that I would not give him what he needs as far as I am able. However, I don't know whether the loan he gets plus the ctf plus whatever I can afford from my normal salary might mean that quite a chunk of the 20k can remain untouched for my needs, which really are his useless dad's 'needs', but, hey.

Also, he does know about the 10k to his dad, so hopefully that will help him understand the situation also.

Halls in first year are going to be around 8k so pay for these on a 0% credit card and pay off monthly from your wages. That leaves 2k out of your 10 to help him if he needs it monthly in the year, again from your wages. Some of his 10k CTF should be invested and he can leave himself a 1k emergency fund in cash.

Your 20k can stay safe and sound invested.

If it's a CTF then it is his once he's 18.