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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice

5 replies

TheShyHelper · 01/01/2025 16:51

I have no one to talk to in real life and just need some views on my situation. I have been in a relationship for 18 months with a single dad who is the main carer of 3 children. I am a single mum with 2. Everything has been fine and its been the best relationship ive been in whether my judgement is accurate or not im not sure 🤣. Hence the need to ask for some advice. We had a few upsets, one being a few months ago and he wanted us to spend his daughters birthday together as a family. We do not live together yet as early days however we do come together and have done holidays as a family. So for this birthday i went all out as i would treat my own child and he contributed money so all was fine. However on the day he was gone by 11am lol. I later found out he had rushed back home so the mum of his children could visit at the door and see the girl (mum is an alcoholic and has one hour a month supervised visits). He didnt tell me anything about it so was hurtful that i had done everything for a great day for him to be here for an hour and a bit, presents, cake then he rushed out the door and i was left with the rest of the day while he went home to spend it with his family and exs. Fast forward to now and its his others daughters birthday tomorrow, its been agreed that this time he will stay at home and ill visit however knowing hes abit useless at all the little bits i thought id go and get the cake balloons and little touches like i would do. However i just feel like why should i after last time and i told him this which has now developed into an argument and his point of view is i should forget the past and just do what i want to do. Im starting to feel like hes just saying that to make me run around doing all the work for his kids and i feel abit like a mug now if i do lol, because i also ask myself now would he do anything like that for my children? Lol. Please help

OP posts:
ThrivingOutOfSpite · 01/01/2025 20:52

I’d feel awful doing it for one and not the other in case the DC felt slighted, but he is treating you like a bit of a mug.
He’s lined you up to do all the ‘mum’ things a child needs without bothering to put any effort in himself hasn’t he?

username299 · 01/01/2025 20:56

I don't understand why you're volunteering to do 'wifework'. They're not your children and you're not even living together.

Be very careful of taking on the drudge work for him. I hope you're not cleaning his home or anything like that.

What he did for the birthday was crap and you know not to repeat the same mistakes. Don't be a mug.

SunshineAndFizz · 01/01/2025 20:56

How you choose to act now will lay the boundaries - do all the 'little' things and he'll keep expecting it of you. Put your foot down and don't, and he'll learn it's his responsibility.

(Unless you're happy to take on those tasks)

meganorks · 01/01/2025 21:24

No, don't do it. It's his child and at his house. It's up to him. If he doesn't make the effort and the child is disappointed then he needs to see that. Or maybe he will make more effort. Or child won't notice or care. But if you do it now you are essentially telling him this is what you do for all children on birthdays and he'll pull back even more.

Endofyear · 01/01/2025 22:20

Let him organise his own children's birthdays. You have your own children to take care of, don't take on doing the organising for his children too. Just buy her a present and go to his house as a guest.

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