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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel second best

17 replies

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 15:26

My husband is a twin and I always feel second best to his wife.
They have four kids, she has a very successful career, is very pretty, very practical and sensible. Their kids do lots of sports and activities and are all very sporty and talented and always performing and winning awards etc
We have two kids and I have a part time job and I can barely keep up with everything. My kids are great but very average, they only do a couple of extra curricular activities and never win anything.
It's clear my in-laws favour her by the little comments or actions they make. They are not rude to me but much warmer and kinder to her. She is fine with me, polite but she is quite competitive and I always get the impression she looks down on me.
Family events leave me feeling very sad and worthless.
I am so grateful for my lovely husband and great kids and I know I am increadibly lucky.

OP posts:
SleepToad · 01/01/2025 15:42

Never compare yourself to others...remember the round robin letters at Christmas: "Tarquin is taking grade 8 piano at the age of 10, we are so proud of him. He helps mummy with the housework and refuses any pocket money. Chlamydia is about to enter the royal ballet school and has laid a new patio in our back garden Not bad for a 12 year old"

People never tell you their kids are little shits and still wet the bed at 12. They tell you the good things and hide the bad. So what if their kids play sports, it means they spend a hell of a lot of time ferrying them around, washing kit and stood bored shitless watching 10 year olds chase a football.

Remember it's called fakebook for a reason

Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 15:46

I had to read that first sentence about 4 times to get what you meant. Comparison is the theft of job OP and I really can’t see what being a twin has got to do with it. Why do you dislike her and not him? Please don’t pass on your own insecurities to your ‘very average’ kids.

Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 15:56

SleepToad · 01/01/2025 15:42

Never compare yourself to others...remember the round robin letters at Christmas: "Tarquin is taking grade 8 piano at the age of 10, we are so proud of him. He helps mummy with the housework and refuses any pocket money. Chlamydia is about to enter the royal ballet school and has laid a new patio in our back garden Not bad for a 12 year old"

People never tell you their kids are little shits and still wet the bed at 12. They tell you the good things and hide the bad. So what if their kids play sports, it means they spend a hell of a lot of time ferrying them around, washing kit and stood bored shitless watching 10 year olds chase a football.

Remember it's called fakebook for a reason

It's not Facebook highlights here though, we spend a lot of time with them.
They do spend a lot of time ferrying their kids around. I am not envious of them at all.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 15:58

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 15:56

It's not Facebook highlights here though, we spend a lot of time with them.
They do spend a lot of time ferrying their kids around. I am not envious of them at all.

Show quote history

On what planet are you not envious? Or is that sarcasm?

Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 16:08

Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 15:58

On what planet are you not envious? Or is that sarcasm?

Show quote history

I don't think I am envious, their lives are far too hectic for me.
But they do make me feel like I should be keeping up, even though I wouldn't want to.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 16:39

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 16:08

I don't think I am envious, their lives are far too hectic for me.
But they do make me feel like I should be keeping up, even though I wouldn't want to.

Show quote history

Read your OP back, even the way you describe your kids is envious. She isn’t making you feel these things (or her husband). This isn’t really their fault they are just living their own lives. There is nothing wrong with your life.

Jolietta · 01/01/2025 16:43

Stop wasting your life worrying about her. She could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or get cancer or have a nervous breakdown!

She sounds like a lovely woman and your bitterness and jealously may be hidden at the
moment but it will continue to eat away at you until one day it comes out and then the room will fall silent and everyone will stare at you in disgust!

Nip it in the bud now.

Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 16:59

Jolietta · 01/01/2025 16:43

Stop wasting your life worrying about her. She could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or get cancer or have a nervous breakdown!

She sounds like a lovely woman and your bitterness and jealously may be hidden at the
moment but it will continue to eat away at you until one day it comes out and then the room will fall silent and everyone will stare at you in disgust!

Nip it in the bud now.

Wow 😮

OP posts:
Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:00

Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 16:39

Read your OP back, even the way you describe your kids is envious. She isn’t making you feel these things (or her husband). This isn’t really their fault they are just living their own lives. There is nothing wrong with your life.

Show quote history

My kids are great and I said this twice in my post.

But thinking this through I probably am jealous of how she is treated by my in-laws. I would like to be treated equally to that. But obviously I cannot control the thoughts or actions of other people so I will just have to accept that.

But I am not jealous of their lifestyle or kids etc as I am very content with my own.

Thanks for taking the time to comment anyway, it has helped me work things out in my head a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:12

Oh and I am very careful not to pass on any of this to my children and thankfully they have a great relationship with their cousins.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 17:17

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:00

My kids are great and I said this twice in my post.

But thinking this through I probably am jealous of how she is treated by my in-laws. I would like to be treated equally to that. But obviously I cannot control the thoughts or actions of other people so I will just have to accept that.

But I am not jealous of their lifestyle or kids etc as I am very content with my own.

Thanks for taking the time to comment anyway, it has helped me work things out in my head a bit.

Edited
Show quote history

My kids are great but very average, they only do a couple of extra curricular activities and never win anything.

It read very negatively. I’m glad it’s helped you arrange things in your own head anyway, hopefully you can start to move on from these thoughts. Also try and remember it isn’t your SILs fault how your in laws treat you, it’s on them.

OctoblocksAssemble · 01/01/2025 17:20

I know what you mean about average kids. My kids are lovely but they do not have braggable achievements. It takes a heck of a lot of parental pushing to get that, and I simply don't have it in me. I sometimes feel like I'm letting them down, not going flat out to help them achieve demonstrable success, but they themselves seem to be enjoying life and are not unhappy.

Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:28

OctoblocksAssemble · 01/01/2025 17:20

I know what you mean about average kids. My kids are lovely but they do not have braggable achievements. It takes a heck of a lot of parental pushing to get that, and I simply don't have it in me. I sometimes feel like I'm letting them down, not going flat out to help them achieve demonstrable success, but they themselves seem to be enjoying life and are not unhappy.

Thanks yes that's what I mean. You sound like you're doing a great job.
Happy kids is my priority too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:32

Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 17:17

My kids are great but very average, they only do a couple of extra curricular activities and never win anything.

It read very negatively. I’m glad it’s helped you arrange things in your own head anyway, hopefully you can start to move on from these thoughts. Also try and remember it isn’t your SILs fault how your in laws treat you, it’s on them.

Show quote history

I can see that. It is the truth that they are pretty average and don't win a lot of things!! But its not how I think of them or how I would usually choose to describe them but I did here for context.
And yes that is a good point that it's not her fault how they treat her.

OP posts:
OctoblocksAssemble · 01/01/2025 17:51

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 17:28

Thanks yes that's what I mean. You sound like you're doing a great job.
Happy kids is my priority too.

Show quote history

Thank you! I'm sure you're doing a great job too. If your PIL only value medals and awards in a grandkid then they sound a bit shallow.

tinytemper66 · 01/01/2025 18:20

Remember comparison is the thief of joy.

SwanRivers · 01/01/2025 18:29

Chilliflakes14 · 01/01/2025 15:56

It's not Facebook highlights here though, we spend a lot of time with them.
They do spend a lot of time ferrying their kids around. I am not envious of them at all.

Show quote history

I am not envious of them at all.

Erm.....say what? 😳

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