To think that when you visit other people you have a leave date?

[allthenoise]

We had family to stay over Christmas, when we asked them about when they were thinking of coming up they said over Christmas. We kept pushing and they eventually said the 20th Dec and wouldn't give an end date.

AIBU to think this is quite rude?

They eventually left on the 28th but kept hinting to invite them to stay longer.

Yanbu I wouldn't even let someone come without an end date sorted. It causes so many issues

Surely you set the end date with the invitation? "Hey, we'd love to see you over Xmas how are you fixed for 20-28th? I'm back at work on 2nd"

Hellish! 8 days with guests in my house would drive me insane. But I need a lot of quiet time to recharge. I also would not dream of spending 8 days in anyone's home. Extremely intrusive.

Completely rude. I wouldn't allow them back without definitive start and end dates well in advance. So selfish of them to assume that you wouldn't want to make plans over the holiday period to see other family/friends.

I'd have set the end date myself when confirming. "It'll be lovely to see you on the 20th to the 26th." But I also wouldn't have anyone staying more than 5 nights.

8 days is way too long anyway, even for people you love. 4 days max (ie 3 nights) should be a standard thing.

Surely you tell them when they may arrive, and when you'd like them to leave?

8 days is way too long for anyone to be saying with anyone, unless you have a mansion and staff, or if needs must.

I wouldn’t let anyone arrive without a decision made about when they’d leave myself.

Also this! I’d be telling them, not waiting for them to tell me!

Good grief
....I would definitely set the dates. If they are reluctant to themselves. Dear family we're looking forward to your visit. Do you want to stay over 23rd to 26th or 24th to 27th?
Let me know by friday so I can confirm other arrangements. If I don't hear back then I will presume you're not coming...

This makes me stressed just thinking about it! Life has taught me that in my case it’s better to be polite but direct, because if I don’t know when guests are leaving I’m likely to get very wound up inside and it will spoil the occasion for me. I would say something like ‘we would love to see you over Christmas and are available to host between 23rd - 27th December. We have plans outside of these dates so are telling you in plenty of time’.

I would never let anyone stay shout a leave date. Ever. Too many piss takers.

Without not shout

Even with an end date they tend to end up staying longer.

I've tried to ask DH to be more direct as they are his family. I think I will intervene next time.

I know that I can't cope with people staying without a fixed end date, so always say "it will be lovely to spend time with you. Come on (date) and leave (date)." Visits in either direction are very rarely more than three nights max. I also ask for an approx ETA ahead of them arriving, and during the last day I ask what time they are thinking of setting off home the next day. Clear and simple for everyone concerned

Yes this is more specific than my post - I like it!!!

What's the cultural background?
There's lots of cultures where extended hosting is completely normal. Especially if it's where someone has moved out of the home country.

My in laws would think nothing of it,

I guess some families don't consider visiting family to be a formal arrangement. It's just family and they fit in and life continues around them being there. My DM's family would pretty much just turn up and stay at our house when I was young, I couldn't cope with that, but my DM never seemed to mind. If how long they were staying was brought up it was pretty vague a couple of weeks or so, or a few days.

Good idea OP - be strong! It’s just awful not knowing when people are leaving. I feel for you.

Arrange something you're going out to on their date of leaving, so that you can go 'ok, be packed and ready to go for 11 because then we'll all leave together and we can take you to the station'. If they say they can stay longer: 'oh no that doesn't work because we're going out'. Even if you actually go to the supermarket and then home. Shut down other options or any loopholes.

I think the visitors are being very rude and taking you both for granted.

We live in a different country to adult DC so we visit each other at least annually. They both live in smallish flats so we always stay in a nearby hotel but we always discuss arrival and end dates before booking the trip. They might need to use up annual leave to spend time with us so if they’d rather use it for something else, that’s perfectly ok.

I treat adult DC as grown ups and wouldn’t dream of making assumptions about their time or money (we pay our own way).

I would not agree to someone coming unless I had the number of nights they were going to be staying. I'm not big on having guests but not knowing when my house would become mind again would be far too stressful.