Just need to talk

[Leafy3]

Not an aibu but traffic you know...

I'm so weepy today and don't want to call a friend to offload because who wants to hear that on new years day?

I found out about 18m ago that I can't have children, I've told a few people - immediate family & a couple of close friends but mostly I keep it to myself.

Last night my sister told me she was pregnant. I'm genuinely very happy for her and her partner, they've had difficulties and I already feel nothing but love for their baby. But my god, I'm heartbroken too.

A close friend announced her pregnancy a few weeks ago, another close friend is due any day. I'm thrilled for both of them too but I'm also finding it hard right now.

Other people's children, even niblings, aren't the same as your own and I don't see much of my sister, so I won't see much of my new niece or nephew. If I'm honest I'm also jealous of its other aunts and uncles, his father's siblings, who will see much more of him/her. And, you know, there are family complications I wont go into.
I feel irrelevant.

So the sadness is twofold, I'm sad for the fact I'm childless and sad for the fact that in unlikely to have the relationship I would love.

I also don't know what to do, if anything, that I think my sister was put out I wasn't more effusive - my response was very warm but I didn't squeal down the phone.

And today my emotions are just confused and all over the place. I have so many thoughts in my head and so many feelings to make sense of.

Ah discovering you can’t have kids when you’d like to is really hard, so you have to be kind to yourself about that if you can’t be as fully enthusiastic about other pregnancies as you’d like to be.

It sounds like your sadness is about more than that though? There are obviously other ways to have kids than giving birth, and you also say that you don’t think you’ll ever have the relationship you’d like - why do you say that?

I agree that it still might not be the end of the road for you. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry about your sister atm as long as you are with her in difficult moments the high of squeal doesn’t matter.

I’m sorry OP, that’s really hard. It sounds like you are handling things as well as anybody could expect. I would have thought your sister would understand your reaction. If I was her I would have expected you to have mixed emotions and to be pleased but not OTT happy.

Thank you for being so kind, I can't stop crying right now it's ridiculous- I just need to get a handle on my feelings and then i can get on with things!

You're right, there are other ways to become a parent and I've given a lot of thought to these. I don't think I'll go down the adoption route, but I would like to foster one day - unfortunately I'm not in a position to do so right now, I looked into it a while ago.

But, but...

you don’t think you’ll ever have the relationship you’d like - why do you say that?

Without going into longwinded family stuff: because opportunities will be limited. My relationship with my sister isn't high on her list of priorities, like a lot of siblings while our relationship can be very close it can also be fraught sometimes. We don't live near to each other, the only times she makes an effort to see me is on my birthday and that's a recent thing.

My own efforts are welcomed but put below plans to see others so never happens. And when I do her it's usually in the company of another family member who dominates things.

In this case I wouldn’t worry at all about what she thought about your reaction. Mantain your own happiness. As a loving aunt who was battling infertility I could say that good relationships with your nieces and nephews wouldn’t replace your own small family. Yes, it’s nice and rewarding but it’s still not the same.
I would do as much crying as you can today and then move to another day and start thinking.
And everyone has their own ups and downs, you never know, don’t give up on yourself please.

Thank you @pizzaHeart I keep re-reading your reply. My family does a lot of bending to keep my sister happy and its helpful to have someone not encouraging me to do the same for a change. Thank you

I'm also sorry you've been through similar yourself x

thank you, I’ve got my child eventually - IVF. I look back and only now I recognize how it changed everything in life for me, it was a very lonely and difficult journey for DH and I. I’m at the beginning of menopause stage now so baby news are not related to me anymore but a few years back my first reaction in some pregnancy news was upset and hurt so if I was like this you should cut yourself a lot of slack today.

I'm really so pleased you have your child, especially after such a long road. 🩷

I'm in my late 30s so the chances of getting lucky even with ivf are slimmer than ever. But you never know, maybe I'll win the lottery instead and can spend the rest of my life travelling in style ;)

I need to call my parents to wish them hny as didn't answer last night but am putting it off because I'd like longer to get a grip of myself before baby talk.

Thing is, I thought I was prepared for the announcement as I knew they were trying & that they were likely to be successful soon, so my reaction has knocked me for six a bit...I think there was a part of me that hoped it might take a few more months which is just horrible isn't it? I'm not proud of myself for that.