To think my marriage better than nothing

[stripeyllamas]

Been with DH 13 years, we have 2 children together.

I'm feeling fairly unsatisfied with my marriage, but reading of others on here is eye-opening and makes me think I'm lucky.

I also think of those in arranged marriages, or from a few decades ago, and how they got on with things and stuck it out.

I'm quite cynical about love now and see marriage as transactional. Once the initial lust and excitement have gone, you're left with getting on with it. Is it a case of how much you're willing to put up with?

On paper, DH is great in terms of how much he does in the house and with the kids. I have ADHD and work FT. He doesn't work, and so does the majority of everything in the house, e.g., laundry, cooking, ironing, school runs, and extracurricular activities with the kids. Without him doing all that, I don't know how I'd function. I've had several promotions over the past few years because of how much he does at home.

But there is a lot I have an issue with. He drinks too much and too often. Sex has dwindled because I always go to bed earlier than him, plus I don't want to have sex when he's been drinking. We were once politically aligned, and now we're becoming opposites. I want him to get some kind of a job, he doesn't think he's physically able to (too long a story to go into here). I don't think he does enough proper parenting, because I'm working I can't do it all the time, e.g. he basically does everything for them and picks up after them as he goes down the path of least resistance. When I'm available, I get the kids to do things for themselves, or in the house, and they do it. He doesn't want to do the same things as me, days out for example.

Now I've started reeling things off, I could go on and on.

We DO get on and have a laugh together. I still fancy him and want to have sex with him. He does the majority of all house and kids related things.

I read about some of the awful husbands on here and I'm grateful for what I have, but I'm not satisfied. He's chronically depressed, and I'm not much better. Life is dull, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Is it a husband problem, or a me problem, or a bit of both. Is it a case of better the devil you know.

Are you both getting help with your depression?

I can't fathom how you're so grateful for all the hard work he does in the house/with the kids (as the majority of SAHPs do), yet you also want him to go out to work?

We're both on ADs. I'm going to look into therapy in the new year. DH has had lots of therapy, but it's not worked for him.

Financially, I'd like him to work and to give him a bit of a purpose as he doesn't feel he has that just now. We've more money now than ever, but we're certainly not loaded.

lots of people settle..i understand that.

Yes, settling. That's the word. My OP could have been a lot shorter!

Do you take meds for your ADHD?

Also if your dh is the primary carer for your dc, on divorce won’t that mean he gets primary custody

If you get 50/50 or even one weekend and one overnight every fortnight won’t this mean you have to take responsibility to get your dc to and from school and to their ECA’s

I wonder if your dh not working and being around the house all the time is an issue. I know I didn’t cope well with now exh being in the house. Even before I was diagnosed with ADHD I found another person being there even each evening and morning hard to cope with. I couldn’t think or do anything when dh was around. He just added to the noise

I think you are underestimating the sheer grind of the donkey work he does all the same.

He is in a vulnerable position if he has no career, no growing pension pot, etc.

That’s interesting that you didn’t like someone in the house as it makes everything so much more stressful. I feel the exact same.

I think you just need a change. Family life is hard and he might not be the problem.

Don’t put the therapy off until the new year. It sounds like there is something still there between you and life is just grinding you both down.

It does come across that this might be able to be salvaged.

He needs to cut down on alcohol as that can be an automatic depressant. It's a bit tricky if both of you are depressed 🙁

Hope you can work through it.

Why are you depressed do you think?

I think a lot of the time depression stems from a lack of acceptance. Sometimes that is a good thing because a person should not accept the life they have currently and they need to make changes. In both your and your husband’s situations I think that is the case. He needs to get more fulfilled in life so he doesn’t need drink to cope and you need a more fulfilling relationship. That is just my take on what you have written. I don’t think I’d accept my lot in your circumstances either but I don’t think all is lost either.

Therapy is an inside job btw. I know of a number of people who have not remotely benefited from therapy because they were not willing to work on themselves which is the hard part of therapy. If that is your husband I don’t think your needs will ever be met in your relationship.