To wonder why my family made such a fuss about me staying with them when I was younger?

[ThisCheekyAmberLurker]

I was abused at home and by the time I left was suffering from severe depression however there weren't any issues with boys, drugs, going out all the time, making a mess, no job etc I was just an awkward obviously depressed girl.

My uncle had 2 DC but also a 4 bed house with a spare room and didn't allow it at all, I finally managed to stay with my grandad but this was only after lots of begging and I wasn't made to feel very welcome.

Now I have a place of my own I really don't understand what the big deal was. I think I would let most my friends stay if it would help and I would definitely let a close friend or family member stay, especially if they were broke.

AIBU to wonder what the big deal was?

This is both trickier than you think, and at the same time their rejection is worse than you think.

Allowing a friend in need to stay, knowing they are a responsible adult and will at some point move on, is very different from taking in a troubled child/YP who would need a lot of support- because it sounds like that’s what you were. Equally how much worse was it to refuse support to that youngster.

You won’t have seen yourself that way, as it sounds as though you weren’t looked after at home. You will have felt very independent, because you had to be to survive. But you were a child and needed and deserved support.

Do you mean you wanted to move in with them or do you mean visit?

Would be a bit strange if they didn't let you visit but sorry I would need to think very carefully about someone moving in. I did let a cousin stay for a 3 month period and she took the piss terribly, running up my (landline) phone bill, beibg messy and leaving her washing up undone etc.

I also had a Ukrainian guest to help them out when they first came over. However it is big change to your life to have others in your space and not something I would be open to again unless really special and extreme circumstances .

How old were you op?

They didn't want someone else living in their home. It's as simple as that. You might not get it, and feel differently, and that's fine, but they didn't want to have someone else in their space.

People with mental health issues are difficult to live with too - i say that as one of those people. If you were young they probably didn't want to feel responsible for you too.

How old were you? How old where the children you would have been staying with?

I'm so sorry this happened to you
In the ideal world, your family members would have shown more compassion. But in reality, they probably didn't want to get involved.
You have your own place now and I hope you'll be really happy there. Try to move on as best you can, ideally with some therapy to help you to do that.
Very best wishes for 2025.

The massive deal here is that you needed somewhere to stay. They may have felt they would be pitting themselves against your parents- their child/sibling- and being asked to choose.

It’s awful you weren’t supported, awful you were abused, awful you needed somewhere to stay. I was a foster carer for a while. Having someone move in with you is a big deal.

OP I understand. I, too, was abused at home and had to leave aged 16. My father and his wife had a four bedroom house and refused to let me live there (again I wasn't troublesome: straight A student, worked part time, no social problems etc). I had to find a flat to live in alone and work while trying to study. I lived in extreme poverty for years.

I think some people do not understand the meaning of "family". I think it's inexcusable to leave a vulnerable, young family member homeless when you can easily provide them with a home.

Now that I'm older and have my own DC I judge them even more harshly for it.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I suggest very strongly that you do not waste headspace on people who have shown you how little they care about you, and focus on building your own life and family and filling it with people with similar values to you who would never treat you in such a manner.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself for having survived this situation, and being rejected in your time of most need and left to fend for yourself.