FWB just texted "Love You." AIBU to feel dismayed?

[ThatKhakiMoose]

FWB sent a midnight NYE text ending with "Love you" and I'm dismayed. AIBU to feel like that, and not just happy that someone loves me?

I've been seeing him on and off since March 2022. There have been many months where I haven't seen him because one of us has been away for work, and we had a seven-month dry spell once. We have amazing sexual chemistry, but apart from that we are just good friends. He's been a serial cheater in his past relationships and has never denied that he's an unfaithful guy, so I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him in terms of fidelity. I told him that I would never trust him in a real relationship, and he said he understood how I felt. I've told him that I'm not interested in commitment after my long and abusive marriage, and that I'll never marry him or live with him. I said the latter quite recently, and he said "Understood."

He IS a good friend. He always keeps in touch, and has been there for me over the past 2 and 3/4 years. We have never said I love you, and although I'm very attracted to him sexually and I really like him, there is no future for us, and that has stopped me from falling in love with him. He's an excellent lover and very good-looking. A much younger me would have been all over him. 50-plus me has seen it all before and says no thanks. There are other reasons why we'd be incompatible for a serious relationship too.

Love has never been mentioned between us before; I thought he understood that that's a no-go area. I texted back and said that we're not supposed to say things like that, and since he broke up with a previous FWB because they fell in love, was he breaking up with me?? Tried to make light of it. He hasn't responded.

I LOVE him as a friend, and I feel bad for him, because it must have taken a lot for him to put himself out there like that, and I just can't say it back. I feel dismayed that he said it. Is that an over-reaction? Should I just not mention it again and carry on as-is? He's a big boy and can look after himself. He's 59 and very much a man of the world. Surely he can break it off with me if it's too painful for him. I just wanna continue how we were.

God, a younger me would have been convinced that I could change him, convinced it would be different with me, totally in love with him, ruled by my heart. He is GORGEOUS, and if we'd met at uni, I might well have ended up with him (knowing nothing of his unfaithfulness, of course). It's amazing how thoroughly an abusive marriage can sober you up when it comes to men and make you lose all hope and faith in relationships.

If you were truly treating him as a FWB then that 'love you' would have had you snort and delete or at least ignore. You're really gushing about him. There's nothing wrong with that, this is a fairly anonymous space but your protestations don't ring at all true. Not even a bit, sorry.

Whatever you say here, protect your self because you're sounding battered.

Sounding battered? I'm interested, but I'm not completely understanding...do you mean physically?

I'm really not secretly in love with him. We were supposed to meet up for a day/night of Christmas sex the other day in a hotel, and I made an excuse because I just couldn't be arsed. I speak warmly of him bc I really like him as a FWB, and I'm a warm, expressive person. And I wasn't going to text back "Love you" because I don't feel that way. Frustrating that folk won't believe me!

I haven't had anything like this since early 20s. I'd never cope with a man. I don't know how one can do fwb though as if our hormones are still rattling around, it feels like a recipe for disaster and some form of emotional attachment will ensue.

I hope you don't get hurt OP, you sound like you know what is happening and you're ok with it. If he just dropped out your life I wonder if it would hurt.

No, not physically, sorry... and possibly the wrong word. I mean that you are trying really hard to convince people on the thread and yourself? that you are nonchalant about this but, you come over as anything but.

I'm really sorry to be doubting you but I can't help think it based on your posts. I do mean look after your heart/feelings because it's so easy to buy into something that you (general, not aimed at you) repeatedly say but it can just as easily not be quite the picture.

I had a long, bad marriage that pretty much cured me of any desire to be in a committed relationship. Together with my parents' less-than-ideal marriage, I'm just over it. I'm sick of having relationships negatively affecting my life and my physical and mental health. At 50, I have to protect myself from all that. And there are so many men out there to meet and have fun with. The thought of being tied down makes me feel down and restricted. I only see fwb occasionally, although he texts every day. I would miss him if he disappeared bc he's a good friend.

I think these responses are really sexist!! Most have said he probably sent the text to everyone and it almost certainly meant nothing, and I'm the one who's in love with him, not the other way round! Even though I said in almost three years he's never signed off with that; even though his horndog nature is a turn off; even though I've told him I'll never marry him or live with him because I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him; even though I'm actually still legally married and had a terrible marriage and so am completely turned off commitment; even though I didn't say it back because I don't feel it, and even though I cancelled a recent hotel visit with him bc I couldn't be arsed and didn't feel like sleeping with him!! But PP will have none of it - I'm clearly in love with him!!!

But noo, a man can't possibly be keener on a woman than she is on him, and no woman can possibly be OK with just fwb!!! So sexist!!

Honestly, OP. The tone, fervour, frequency and length of your comments about this man - and the fact that you really seem REALLY keen to keep talking about this for as long as possible (there was no response to your second to last post for an hour and a half, for example, but you couldn’t let the thread die, so came back and essentially bumped it) are the reasons why people think you’re in love with him.

I can talk if I want! It's a message board and it's my thread! I'm dipping in and out when I have the time and am paying no attention to how long between replies. I think I'm entitled to comment on how I see the responses overall and I don't think I need to wait until there was another reply to my last post. What a strange criticism!

I'm sorry if it annoys some that I'm able to have sex without losing my mind, that he's keener than me, and that I'm in control of myself in a fwb situation, but if it helps, it took me years of abuse and 47 years to get there!

Edit: Why should I let my thread die if I'm not finished? If you don't like it, don't read it!

Don't fall into the vipers nest OP.
They keep poking until you do.

You can certainly talk if you want. Nobody is trying to stop you. And I didn’t ‘criticise’ you. I told you the reason people think you’re in love with him - and it isn’t sexism.

You remind me of that girl that is trying to be one of the lads and pretend she hasn't caught feelings.

It's the whole playing down the feelings and the over reaction to love you that has people questioning you OP!

Girl pretending to be one of the lads? Have you read nothing that I've posted? I'm 50 and have been so scarred by exposure to abusive relationships (my marriage and parents' marriage) that I never want another proper one as long as I live. If I come across as a lad, it's because real life has beaten all romance and faith and interest in committed relationships out of me. Some people get a good one, but most don't, and I love the sex with FWB but not much more. Sometimes I don't even like that - I cancelled our hotel stay last week because I just didn't feel like it.

My parents are dead, my marriage was shit, I live in a country thousands of miles from Britain (but am British) with zero family here...believe me, I am waaaaay past the stage of life where "catching feelings" is an issue. I've been around the block and am not interested. I love my friends, myself, and my faraway family.

Plus, it wasn't an over-reaction. In the context of our relationship, it was extremely unusual and marked a complete departure.

A few months ago I made a remark about him liking me, and he texted back " 'Like'....sure." And when we were saying how we'd have spent lots of time in bed had we met at uni, but I said it's a good thing we didn't meet back then, because then he wouldn't have his lovely children, he goes "But WE could have made pretty children." 😱

You know why he's keen on me? Because I don't give a rat's arse. I never, ever want commitment from him, and we are the phone equivalent of a pay-as-you-go plan. I like him a lot but only as fwb. And here's the irony: the moment you don't want marriage or kids and you don't want to "progress" or move anything "to the next level" they can't get enough of you! And when you're young and hormonal and you want marriage and babies and commitment, they act like sods! I had a friend who was totally uninterested in marriage and kids her whole adult life, and she said that all her boyfriends wanted a lot more. There's a lesson in there somewhere. Anyway, it's too late for me. I can't unsee what I've seen in relationships, I think they're a bad deal most of the time, and I never want all my eggs in that basket again. Committed relarionships have done a real number on my physical and mental health and stolen my best years with misery. FWB would be just the same in a real relationship. I've got two insurance policies that will look after me if I get a serious illness; no need for some crap partner. (This is not in the UK remember.)

If I'm sooooo in lurrrve with him, why did I cancel my one opportunity to see him over the holidays?

@ThatKhakiMooseIgnore them, OP. If they’ve never been in an abusive relationship then they’ll never understand what it’s like to try navigate men again like we have. It’s a totally different dynamic.
Also people on Mumsnet like to put people into categories and only one category at a time! So you’re a ‘divorced woman with a FWB who’s talking about him in any tone besides hatred! Therefore you mustttt be in love with him’ And once one suggestion has been made that others like the sound of, that narrative sticks until the end of the thread.

Ps, where do I get one of these FWBs for myself please? It’s been 9 years….

Oh, I found mine on Ashley Madison, my third fab FWB. It's full of single divorced men who have no intention of going down the marital road again and are looking for women who also don't want commitment. You just have to filter your settings to only show single men. I know everyone thinks it's for infidelity, but it's also full of the walking wounded who want non-commitment and who are, moreover, desperate to laugh again. I didn't feel comfortable using traditional dating sites while not legally free and not emotionally free either. Plus they're full of earnest types who want full commitment. I had two hot fwbs from there before I found the current one. One moved away and the NHS worker lived 70 miles away and worked all hours, so wasn't ideal, but god they were fun while they lasted.

Edit: Thanks so much for your understanding about abusive relationships. So weird to be told by so many that I secretly want it all with him - felt like they were describing someone else. You must be right about the different dynamic. Perhaps people who haven't experienced being trapped in a long, abusive marriage can never understand how thoroughly it kills the idea of romance for you and how you have to guard your peace at all costs.

Fair enough OP, but if you really don't have feelings for him at the very least your posts read like you want him to have feelings for you (and no judgement I’ve been there too!)