I’ve got to make this change in 2025 - any advice?

[Confused765]

Happy new year everyone.

In the past month or so, I’ve had 3 one night stands with random men. And I honestly don’t know why, because the next day when they ghost / ignore me, it makes me feel like total 💩

I went on a first date last week and he ended up coming back to mine. He said he wouldn’t sleep with me unless he wanted to see me again. Well, guess what. I think he fed me a total lie because I’ve barely heard from him and he’s made no suggestion of another date.

I think I’ve come to realise that I use sex as a self validation tool. Something to make me feel better in the moment, to feel wanted and desire. But on reflection having sex with men I don’t know, makes me want them even more?

I don’t know if this makes sense but I just feel so fed up of getting myself into this vicious cycle and would appreciate any advice / harsh truths!

@Confused765 no advice here or words of wisdom other than to say, don't be too hard on yourself. You haven't hurt anyone. It's human to want connection. It's human to want to seize pleasure in the moment. It isn't the end of the world. Hope that helps put things in perspective so that you can let go of viewing yourself negatively because of it.
And the next observation is you clearly don't want to sleep with people and get ghosted so you need to break the cycle for yourself. How can you do that? Can you date with a different intention? Are there strategies you can use to derive sexual satisfaction on your own so you're not tempted by fleeting encounters and can have more resolve to hold out for when you feel connected to someone?
I don't know the answer but you'll find it. Good luck and best wishes to you.

*Clytemnestra21 what an excellent and clear answer. *

*Confused765 I am sorry this has been tough for you. *

I don't think there is anything wrong with a one-night-stand if you both want that but clearly you do want more. Maybe seek out some friendships with men through hobbies, night classes,sports etc. Get to know the guys more and see what you like about them and what they like about you before moving into the bedroom.

If you are using sex for validation, think about what else you could find validation from. There will be other areas to cultivate. And of course the biggest is to make peace with yourself so you do not need to get validation from others. NOT easy. I know.

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Happy New Year.

How many female friends do you have?

Sall Grover, when she came back to Australia after working in Hollywood and New York, had a therapist advise her that she needed to find a community of women. Do you have that?

Instead of going to men, join a choir, a walking group, a female only WI (yes, I know that’s an oxymoron). Something where you have to do an activity. Making friendships from a group will take time but allow yourself that time. And if you find yourself sitting at home on a weekend, take up crochet www.wires.org.au/wildlife-information/making-nests-for-wildlife-in-care, family history www.familyhistoryfederation.com/find-a-society or something like https://trove.nla.gov.au/help/become-voluntrove/text-correction.

A more fulfilling life will reduce your need for validation, as you put it, from loser men.

Well, if it's making you feel bad afterwards when they ghost you (understandably) then yeah you do need to change it. I'm not good with ONS, the theory is fine, but I hated feeling rejected if they didn't contact me again too. It didn't feel empowering, just crap. I suppose the ones I saw after were fine & the ones who wanted more when I didn't were a bit of a (shallow) ego boost.

the genuine friends with benefits was the best 'fit' for me, not FB. When I didn't want a relationship (until I did).

nothing wrong with any variation you choose, as long as it's making you feel good, not bad.

what would you really like?

One night stands are fine if that's what you both want. Having sex once, twice or twenty times with someone doesn't make you better/worse/more attractive, it just means that one (or both) of you have decided to move on. If ONS make you feel bad about yourself then change something about your behaviour to avoid those situations.

Could you make a rule to not have anyone in your house / go to anyone's house until things are a bit further on? Dates are more frequent etc. If he likes you he will wait.

I loved all my one night stands there was something rather liberating about them and they were never attached to my self esteem. If it’s making you feel like shit then don’t do -it’s not for you.

As Pp said, no shame in ONS, but they aren't making you happy.

It took me the best part of my twenties to realise that having sex tends to increase a woman's emotional connection even in a casual ONS but the same isn't true for men.

After that I learned to slow right down. When I met dh I didn't sleep with him for a month as I really liked him and wanted to be sure he wasn't seeing this as a quick fling.

My advice is to minimise the chance of ONS - do dry Jan or go sober, wear rubbish underwear on the first few dates 😆 and write a note to yourself on your phone reminding yourself how vulnerable or upset you feel afterwards. Read it in the loo and ensure you don't invite your date back or go home with him. Maybe even set an alarm on your phone to remind you it's time to head home alone.

Also, go on activity dates not just for drinks. Less likely to have a ONS vibe if you've gone rollerskating of even to the cinema and then chat about the film. Don't frame yourself as a body up for a drunken fling, but as a person with interests.

Thanks everyone for your kind and non-judgemental responses.

I am definitely going to try go on sober dates. I think that’s where the problem could lie. When I am drunk I have so much more confidence. But that’s filling a void in my life which I need to work on too