Lost who I am

[Westcountrybaby]

Hi,

Just want to start off saying, I have a wonderful wife and two amazing children. I do have a good life. And I know I am very lucky and rich beyond money.

Just feel since covid ( got married year before and had our first during covid)
I've lost who I am as a person. My wife's had problems with her family and I've had problems with mine, both separate issues but still been impactful.

Me and my wife don't have a village it's constantly me, my wife and the kids. Every so often might see a family member or a friend but hardly ever. (My family live all over and far away, her family aren't helpful)
I feel like a robot. I get up sort kids out in morning go to work come home a d sort kids out for bed then repeat.

I think what's bothering me more is I was such a social person in my youth, I was here there and everywhere living life to the full and now, well it just feels like groundhog day. I don't regret my kids or marriage as I have been truly blessed and I look and my wife with the same loving eyes I have since I first met her. But I feel lost. I miss the old me, I miss the times when me and my wife could atleast just have a date night. We try to atleast every night sit down and watch a film but we were so much more than that and it makes me sad. I love being a father to my two kids and I never look at them in a way that they've ruined anything because they honestly are the best thing that's happened to me, along with my wife.
But I could really do just to go dancing again (with my wife and friends etc) just have a care free night, drinking and having a laugh or going on day trips or a mini break without the stress of kids.

My wife also feels the same from what I've gathered. We honestly would if we had a village but we dont and we have struggled alot and a fee times has but our marriage on the brink, but I'm proud to say we have always powered through and come out stronger each time (or more numb?)
My dad said 20's is for fun,30's for raising a family and 40s back to you, but yet I feel lost.

I just want to smile for myself instead of everyone else. I am the rock of my family and if I break,this whole family breaks and I don't want that to happen. I am very proud of how far my wife and I have come and my wonderful children and the life we have, but I am started to now feel the deep strain on my shoulders that I've been carrying for so long. My poor wife has suffered with her mental health terribly since our second was born. Our daughter was still only a toddler when our boy was born and it broke her with lack of sleep and post patrum depression, that se needed crisis help. Thankful she is on the mend but still not 100% but it breaks my heart.

There is so much more I could say about how I feel but I haven't got the energy.

Sorry for long post

I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard. Sending a lot of solidarity because my DH and I are in exactly the same position.

My suggestions would be the get counselling, get a regular babysitter and to give each other a break as often as possible (my DH and I have approx 3 hrs child free each weekend, and the odd hour during the week, which helps massively).

Things will get better. You’re at the very worst point (presuming you’ve got a baby and a toddler). Does either of them go to nursery? If so, ask if a member of staff would babysit one night and you and your wife go out. Or else get a babysitter from an agency. Long term, build your village. It doesn’t have to be family - mine was friends with similar aged kids. Speak to other parents in the park, invite them for coffee and watch your village grow as you meet their friends etc.

You’ll get through this. Hang on in there.

You have 2 children under 6, it’s the toughest times for you as an individual I think.

What were the hobbies you had? What do you miss? Can you start doing them with your eldest? eg Park Run if you like running

Main tip is to think about what you loved before and do that with your kids and start enjoying it with them - won’t be the same, but with time could be even better.

Part of inhabiting who you are again is connecting with the things that make you feel joyful. And a lot of that is down to letting yourself play a bit more.

When you were a kid, what made you feel excited and happy?

I feel everything you say a million times over. I've lost who I am and am miserable, but love my family. I'm just praying it gets better in time.

My dad said 20's is for fun,30's for raising a family and 40s back to you, but yet I feel lost.

Raising a family only takes 10 years? What generation is your dad?

Sorry that wasn't helpful. I agree with PP you're in the trenches now and it will almost certainly get better. Sorry to hear about your wife's depression, that in particular sounds like it might have triggered the way you're feeling now. Could you schedule time for yourselves once a week and get a babysitter?

Get a baby sitter regularly (once a fortnight, once a month) and go out together to do whatever you enjoy as a couple - dinner, cinema, dancing. At the weekend or one evening a week give each other 2-3 hours to pursue a hobby or see friends whilst the other cares for both children.

You are in the trenches when your family need you but it gets easier as they get older - but you must prioritise time to be an adult, not a parent, individually and as a couple.