Does Your DH Pay For His Kids (CMS)

[Katbum]

Inspired by another thread. For any mums or women on here who are married to/dating a man with kids from an ex: does he pay child maintenance? Is he regular with his support? If not why not?

My DH doesn’t as he says he and ex reached agreement when he paid her large lump sum after she left him that there would be no more money. She doesn’t seem to mind as we have regular contact with the child and a friendly relationship and it doesn’t come up. It was complicated by fact she and he lived overseas when they parted ways. Anyway. We row about this a lot and I wonder if I ABU by expecting he would want to give regular money to his ex for their child? We have a joint DC and he doesn’t now earn much - but still.

large lump sum

I mean if you're talking half a million or something, maybe fair enough, but how can they have possibly considered how much things would cost in future, does child never need anything? seems weird to me.

Why did you marry him knowing this? Major character flaw.

If this is the agreement they reached together and the large lump sum reflects more or less what he’d have paid in maintenance over the years, I can’t see a difference between him paying it upfront or in monthly payments. If he doesn’t earn much now and has an additional child which would impact CMS calculations, his ex probably got the better deal.

I think it would be my preference to be honest to be given money upfront and be able to bank it as opposed to being in the position many single parents end up in where they’re reliant on the possibly fluctuating financial and family circumstances of an ex to pay their bills.

Well if they lived overseas it sounds fair - tbh she may have been worried about moving countries/different entitlement based on where they were, so I can see a lump sum for peace of mind being a good thing.

My dp didn't (his kid is an adult now) but they had him 50/50 and dp bought every stitch of clothing, shoes, paid for school trips, towards holidays with his mum etc.

He paid far more than the tiny amount CMS would have required.

I wouldn't be with a deadbeat who doesn't pay at all, or thinks a one off payment is enough (unless it was enough to buy a house outright and that wasn't part of the divorce agreement)

From the other side, I'm a single mum and my exH does pay child maintenance regularly to me, as per CMS calculator, plus half of reasonable additional expenses eg music lessons and school residential trips (discussed in advance but he never says no).
If he had the means to pay a lump sum at the time of separation - well yeah that might have been preferable for quite a few reasons, security of having it, I could invest it, guards against his lifestyle changes etc.
I have savings myself so don't receive any UC etc but I can see how a lump sum might negatively affect some single mums in that regard.

My PILs pay on behalf of BIL as they weren't happy with him. Its not as much as whatBIL should have paid if he lived in the UK, but its something. They helped with stuff like school uniform as well.

Did he share the value of the lump sum with you? If it was large enough, it’s possible it covered a childhood of payments.

DH doesn't have any children. But exH pays 2/3 what he should, but mutual agreement on the understanding that he will continue to pay when DC are in Uni directly to support them. I don't 'need' the money but he is struggling.

No because I didn't know him at that time. As I understand it was a considerable amount from the sale of his property and business overseas. They weren't married or even living together in a conventional sense. I think it would be more than a childhood of payments on his earnings now, but if he had continued with his lifestyle as then not anywhere near as much. As I understand he went off the rails when she ended the relationship having met someone else, and moved to a different country (from the one they both lived in at the time), making it impossible to see his child (due to visa restrictions). My OH sold everything at that time, gave her the money, kept enough to travel the world, did so and had tp return skint to the UK and start again. We met some time after this all happened, but the general story has been corroborated by his ex and friends.

Yes,my dp pays for his kids
Or at least he paid for them both until the eldest started uni and cut him off (she only gets in touch when she wants money)
He still pays for the youngest and I wouldn't have it any other way
I've never had to say anything-he set up a standing order and it goes out every month

My ex refused to pay for his kids as 'the silly bitch will only spend it on herself and she gets benefits to pay for them'
His girlfriends have agreed with him

Maybe his gf’s don’t know? Or don’t see it as their business?

I get nothing atm - finally went through CMS and they judge him to need me to pay £7 a week for two children and he hasn't even paid that! I'm sure my children will enjoy their £3.50 a week. Luckily they have a mum who keeps them warm, fed and housed 😐. Just a shame this mum is exhausted with having to do it all and pay for it all.

They know (or knew-the kids are now adults)

He'd proudly brag about not paying and I've had one or two chase me down the street,telling me I'm a money grabber for going to the csa

'Why should he pay for your lifestyle???'

He used this line on the kids and cant understand why they dont want to know him

Sigh

Sadly you are describing my brother and his string of gf’s, several who have got pregnant and then wonder why there’s no child support for them. He has 5 kids, four mums.

Large lump sum sounds a good way of doing it. It may have enabled her to buy a house, for example, and save on rent for the rest of her life. Not a bad contribution to his DC's upbringing.

TBH there’s nothing that would turn me off more than a man not contributing to his children’s upbringing. I less the lump sum was well into the six figures, he’s short changing his actual children

how much was the lump sum. If deemed sufficient, it must have been 6 figure at least if you factor in the cost of bringing up DC.

How do you feel being with a man who doesn't pay maintenance for his DC? I couldn't think of anything less attractive. Yuk.

It sounds like his ex made a sensible decision based on the circumstances knowing she wouldn't be able to claim CMS easily from abroad. By taking a lump sum (potentially capitalised upfront) she may well be in a better position than if she received regular maintenance.

For me (as a single mum) a lump sum would be great. My ex paid towards his kids from a previous marriage when we were together but to be honest I never looked into how much. His ex never earned much tho and I was the highest earner in our relationship so he decided our two didn't need maintenance!

In my mid 20s, a man explained to me on a first date that he didn’t see or pay for his young child as he “didn’t want him” (accidental pregnancy that led to their relationship breaking down). I told him we weren’t well matched and didn’t see him again.

My dad didn’t pay maintenance to my mum and did the same to his first wife so I learnt early on that men who don’t step up to their responsibilities (with monthly payments or a lump sum) can’t be trusted!

My fiance pays child maintenance for both his kids (one is 18 but still in full time education). We consider it part of his fixed expenditure in terms of our budgeting/joint finances. He also pays for ad hoc things for them (shoes, clothes, bikes etc. as needed) plus we usually jointly pay for days out with them and holidays with them.

i would judge him if he didn’t pay for his kids and if he didn’t I wouldn’t consider having kids with him (or being with him I guess).

however, depending on his earnings and what maintenance would have worked out over the years and how much the lump sum is then I can see how that would work. If she is happy with the arrangement I wouldn’t question it. He has actually paid for his kid.

A lump sum is nearly always better for the recipient.

Maintenance can never REALLY be guaranteed. Anything could happen.