Aibu or should my family make more of an effort?

[freshstart25]

I'm just wondering if I am BU here. So I regularly visit my parents, they don't make any effort to visit us maybe once a year despite living less than an hour away.
When it comes to my children's birthdays cards are posted despite me inviting them out for tea and cake.
My dad still does a few hours work and drives everywhere but my mum doesn't work or drive but there is a bus directly outside their house that leaves them 10 minutes away from mine and I've equally offered to collect her from there but she doesn't want to.
I visited them in early December but then between work, my children's activities and Christmas shows I didn't get a chance and then on top of that my dog had surgery so we needed to be around and not leave him for long periods and my parents don't want him in their house which is fair they don't have a dog.
I invited them over Boxing Day bought food in and then they messaged me to say it would be late Boxing Day as in 8pm as my dad had to work. I was up for work at 3am on the 27th so I pushed it back to New Year's Day and said we'd pop over instead. Yesterday my mum asked if we could rearrange again (no reason given) I said I couldn't do the alternative dates as I was back in work and had to travel at the weekend with work so wouldn't be home. It's now kicked off because she was looking forwards to seeing the children and she can't. Am I being unreasonable here? They make no effort to come to anything and if they do go we're told what time they will leave at before they even get there and arrive late.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable but I expect kicking off is deflecting the blame to make you feel bad. I would message to say that they’ve had plenty of opportunity to see the children but chose not to.

You can’t make them see you, you cannot control what they do, even if it’s disappointing , you can only control how you react.

@Jeeeeez thank you for the reply. Ive visited them every month last year without fail, there was one occasion when my son had a football match literally a 5 minutes walk from their house and they chose not to go as it wasn't their thing. I invited them frequently last year for various things and they couldn't make any of them. They came out once to visit me in the whole of 2024.

I think you just need to match their energy. Stop visiting. It's hard, but they are being quite clear how little of an effort they want to put it, and now it's just down to you to accept that.

Maybe your mum needs reminding of the above when she says she is disappointed that she is not going to see kids.

You're not being unreasonable. You need to remind them that you're working full time with children and a dog. They have more free time than you do right now.

You’re not being unreasonable. Just stop visiting them. If they complain, they can come to you.

Does she go out very much for other things? They should definitely make the effort but just wondering if she's very anxious and doesn't leave home much

How old are they? My grandparents never visited us unless it was a special occasion and even then they were picked up and dropped off as they didn’t drive and couldn’t afford a taxi, we lived at the top of a hill so too much to walk after getting a bus. I always visited them at their home and my mums been the same as is my mil. The not coming over on Xmas, cancelling and not going to football game is really disappointing though

This is exactly my parents except we don’t have kids. My mam keeps making small comments relating to children (to be fair, she said many years ago she’d never pressure me to have them and she hasn’t) and I feel like asking when on earth she ever thinks she’d see them as she has zero interest in seeing me or my husband. If I phone she always has a reason to hang up within 5 minutes and she never wants to attend anything I suggest. My dad is much better and phones regularly and I see him every home (their town where I’m originally from) football match as I got him a season ticket for his birthday. He wouldn’t dream of coming through here though despite driving and it only being 45mins away. He works full time and my mam has never worked (and doesn’t drive).

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I semi relate and I’d just try not to take it too personally or run around after them.

Oh this is heartbreaking to read but I’m pretty much in the exact situation. I get so upset for my children so unfortunately my New Year’s resolution (used lightly) is to just stop and see when they call, visit or basically make any effort! It’s frustrating but I have learnt that there is only so much you can do - you can’t force someone to be involved in your lives. It’s emotionally draining and I’m not doing it anymore!

That's so sad. I agree with matching their energy and making similar effort.

Did you move away? Sounds like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face by punishing you for not being closer..