to actively hate NYE? *Trigger - Fertility*

[adviceneeded1990]

Anyone else around who would be happy to sleep until tomorrow?

My DSD is with her Mum from 6pm (alternate years arrangement for NYE/NYD, we get her back tomorrow). DH wants to go out for a meal and then meet his friends for drinks, keeps telling me it’ll be our last child free one, we need to have fun, etc. All I feel is anger at how different the end of this year looks for me than how I had hoped.

I have my third IVF transfer in January. I have zero hope this will be my last child free new year, having experienced failure in June then October. I feel like NYE is just a celebration of everything I haven’t managed to achieve this year because despite having a good career and a comfortable lifestyle and a family I love, I have once again not managed to have a child.

We’ve only been trying two years and we are lucky to have had our issues identified early on and to have been able to access treatment relatively quickly and I know others have had longer journeys but NY is just triggering me really badly and all I want to do is go and hide! Going away to take DSD and our niece to soft play but could happily go to bed afterwards. Is this wrong? How can I make DH see how miserable this day is making me? He’s usually really good and supportive but is just missing the mark hugely today.

I remember feeling the exact same way about Christmas last year. I just couldn't do another Christmas without a baby. 3 years of IVF due to severe endometriosis, I would sit and cry every night and felt suicidal. In June all I kept thinking was people are going to start talking about Christmas soon and I just can't take another Christmas without a baby. Especially now all my siblings and hubby's siblings had babies and family Christmases were now firmly a child and baby affair.

Last year I was lucky enough to be pregnant at Christmas after a successful 5th transfer and we have just celebrated babies first Christmas. I thank my lucky stars every day and I really hope you get your happy ending soon. All you can do is keep trying, move clinics if you feel they aren't doing the best job for you. We moved after 3 cycles because they weren't learning anything from the failures or trying anything new. Our second clinic learned from the failures, diagnoses issues the first clinic never even mentioned or looked for and got me pregnant on the second try after the first cycles failure showed them what the problem was. The approach of just keep trying and one time will be the lucky time would never have worked for us but it's what the first clinic kept saying and why they kept failing.

If you want anyone to talk to who understands what you're going through feels free to message me. I felt so alone when I was in your position and also felt that no one understood how much I was hurting.