Ex partner has become a 'shut in'

[Soniastrumpet1984]

I have an ex partner (amicable split)
We haven't remained in contact but have a mutual contact (occasionally meet up for a coffee at christmas)
The mutual friend has told me that they haven't seen the ex for several years, and that he has become a 'shut in' person. He has had some health struggles they've taken ages to diagnose , it's along the lines of fibromyalgia/ME etc
The house has had the curtains shut for over a year, and is in disrepair. mutual contact has occasionally seen a car outside that they think is a carer visit.
I'm not really sure if or what I could do. Probably nothing but I haven't been able to sleep as I feel like it's such a shame.
If you have a life like this, is there anything someone could do to make your life a bit better?

That’s a really kind impulse. I think that first, you could try and find out from you ex what’s really going on in their life. They may not be ‘shut in’ which to me suggests a MH condition, just very poorly and unable to go out. If it’s ME, the shut curtains may be because of light sensitivity. The disrepair your friend has noticed may be due to lack of energy to get tradespeople in, or even unawareness that there are issues, if your ex is unable to walk around the house/ outside.

I have a life that is a bit like this, and it makes my life a lot better when I have practical help with the house and day to day life. Lifts to appointments, shopping, washing up, batch cooking, sweeping up the front path….Someone doing practical stuff in the house is gold dust. Carers are often very limited in what they can do. But, because of extreme sensitivity to noise and activity, the help needs to be given very sensitively - for example, if I have someone around all day, I’m done for, with exhaustion that flattens me for days. I’m not assuming that your ex has ME, but if they do, some of the things they need may seem strange; be prepared to roll with that and accept what they’re saying.

"Shut in" isn't a very nice expression for someone suffering a serious life-changing neurological illness. It's possible their curtains are closed because they are hypersensitive to light or too exhausted/in pain to open them. Similarly why their house is in disrepair.

What would help? Well, that depends on them. But it's always nice to have a clean toilet! OTOH they may welcome a short social visit.

This person may have VERY limited energy for interacting with others, so bear that in mind if you decide to contact them.

Don't try to "encourage" them, "cheer them up" or offer your favourite crackpot cures.

I won't have my language policed. Shut in was a phrase I used, you can see from the context of the rest of my post how I feel about him and want to help. I also don't have any crackpot cures to offer. If you read my post again, you will see moderation and a genuine asking for help. Thanks for the tips about practical help, I will slowly and carefully see if I can get more info and see if help is needed.

This is helpful thank you, I'll see if I can make a connection and then offer any of these things. If not in person, but through outsourcing etc (don't want to make ex feel like a charity case etc)
Thank you for the tips. I think fondly of him, he is a lovely person

Crackpot cures? Bit uncalled for

I have a close friend who had severe mental health struggles and was basically unable to function as a person (their words) for several years.

I wasn't friends with them during that time, but they've told me that even having someone who cared turn up and sit with them when they couldn't leave the house - no conversation necessarily needed - meant a lot to them and still does to this day.

I think support is the big thing, and anything that would remind your ex of what normal life could look like; making or taking round home cooked food, just turning up and offering unconditional support, offering to listen without offering suggestions or judgement in return, reminding them they're not alone and have someone who cares for them and is there for them in some capacity. If they're struggling with things like keeping on top of the house, asking them if they want any support in that area and taking on a task or two at a time.

Ultimately, you won't know until you ask. Support may be wanted or not, but since it is very difficult to ask for help in the best of situations be prepared to offer a list of suggestions and to come at it with kindness and empathy and a respect for wherever they are now and whatever their current boundaries are. But also know your own boundaries; you cannot fix this situation, you can only be there to support your ex through it as best you can and in whatever capacity you are happy to do so. My friend acknowledges their own family got burned out on the level of support they needed when they were deep into their own struggles.

I don't know if this was helpful in any capacity, but your wanting to offer support to your ex is probably going to be appreciated in some capacity.

Tbh, this is an ex (however amicable the split) you're no longer in contact with and only learnt of his diagnoses and current circumstances through a third party.

This person is not in your life any more and you are not in his. There is a great distance between you both now.

What makes you think he would appreciate, need or want your particular involvement? Not being arsey, just a point for reflection.

It is a kind impulse to want to help but make sure you're not being driven by an overwhelming compassion and drive to 'save him from himself'.

Not saying don't do it but make sure you look after yourself too, reflect on your motivation for wanting to do this and don't put yourself in a position where you're setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Sorry. But I didn’t say or even suggest that OP WAS offering crackpot cures, merely that she SHOULDN'T.

Just leave them alone. You're not in contact with them so it would be very strange to swoop in now and try and "help".

@TotallyTwisted it would be a sad world if everyone reacted as you suggest. For the record, there’s nothing in the OP to suggest she is going to ‘swoop in’. On the contrary, she’s been extremely tentative and said she was not sure if there’s anything she can do.

It’s a kind thing to feel concern for someone you care about, even if they’re not in your day-to- day life. Kinder still to actually consider doing something that takes your time and energy. I still remember with much warmth, how at the beginning of my illness, an ex who I was rarely in touch with, used to visit to watch an episode of a serial with me. I wasn’t up to much conversation at that time, and to have a little company in a very low- key way meant so much.

They need some decent trauma therapy

Why don't you ring them or contact a family member or send a card with your phone number on it...with a 'just wondering how you are getting on'.

Yeah this could be a great idea. I could pass a card on through mutual friend

Who needs trauma therapy?

I'm obviously not that poster but it concerns me when read things like this about women feeling a need to reconnect with exes for these sorts of reasons - to help and support them through something.

A lot of women have people pleasing tendancies or feel a sense of responsibility to help in these circumstances, as much as a lot of men have 'rescuer' tendancies. A lot of people are, for quite unhealthy reasons, drawn to helping vulnerable people to meet a currently unmet need in themselves.

Sometimes people go about it in healthy ways and drawn towards certain careers or volunteering roles (I'd fall into that category) and others do it in less boundaried ways by taking on other people's problems as their own. And some people feel a burning desire to help strangers and find themselves suffering as a result.

The OP and her ex didn't care enough about each other to even remain in sporadic contact after they split up and she only learnt about any of this through third party gossip essentially. Him/her being an ex can muddy the waters somewhat emotionally.

The OP hasn't given any info regarding the nature/duration of the relationship or why they solit. Nor about her own circumstances, which she doesn't have to but it's worth considering that it might not actually be a good idea for the OP to do this for her own well being.

What @GreyCarpet has said is well worth
reading.

Only ever offer as much as you can afford to give.

Decide what exactly it is you are going to offer this person. One hour visit a week?
One phone call a week?

He didn't get this way overnight and the situation seems entrenched now over several years.

I think you make very good points @GreyCarpet and certainly one should not feel compelled to help, especially if the person is an ex. Boundaries are always important.

But I think that it can be ok, it all depends on the circumstances. In the example I gave, of the ex coming round to watch TV with me, the relationship had been brief and we’d both moved on and were in long term relationships with other people. We’d transitioned to a friendship which was part of a wider friendship circle where I used to live. He wasn’t trying to rescue me and is a very boundaried person.

I can’t find the words for this clearly but I was trying to say something like, if we always say: it’s not my problem, or I wasn’t already seeing them frequently so I shouldn’t have anything to do with them when they fall ill, that can be squashing towards a warm impulse to help which isn’t always inappropriate or dangerous.

What do you mean 'not nice'

Its a descriptor for someone who is 'shut in', what else do you say, a recluse, anti social, locked away?

They are all the same thing, say the same thing.

Well, yes, it can be ok depending on the circumstances. But we don't know what the OP's specific circumstances are.

But now that you have described the nature of your relationship with your ex, it is clear your situation is very different to the OPs.

You and your ex had become friends and were part of a wider social group and had good boundaries and that is great and you are describing a supportive and genuine friendship. The OP is no longer in contact with this ex, which couldn't really be much more different. Your situations are not the same. So, yes, it does depend on the circumstances.

I am advising the OP to reflect on, and exercise caution in, her specific situation not suggesting there was fault in your specific situation.

So, no, people shouldn't go around suppressing a 'kind impulse' but I do think people should reflect before acting on it.

For example, I have an ex who has become part of my wider friendship circle. I would appreciate contact from him if I were in a dire situation or very ill - that would be kind. However, I would be extremely uncomfortable and not very happy if someone I knew had gossiped about me to an ex I'd made no effort to remain in contact with and they crawled out of the woodwork. The OP is not the only person to consider in this scenario.