For thinking gaslighting is normal in relationships

[Dreamingofgreentrees]

I’m out of a messy relationship and reflecting as I heal. I realise I was gaslit for years (and stonewalled - I wanted to rectify disagreements with talking, he shut down and wouldn’t talk until the following morning or sometimes a little later depending on how angry he was). There were also other things, he blamed me for everything, even things I hadn’t done, or twisted things to make them my fault. He was a bit of a man child too. But there were a lot of good times (other wise I wouldn’t have stayed). Since gaslighting is today’s terminology, I’m wondering if this is not just standard in most relationships? I loved my ex dearly, he was also a good friend but I recognise his flaws so much more clearly now I am out of it. Yet wondering whether I can expect this type of behaviour in any future relationships? My ex husband wasn’t like this at all, but he was a more unusual, more introverted, a more intelligent and mature man.

No, but depending on your childhood relationships you might feel it is. I was 42 when I found a relationship that didn’t have this in it and it took a friend being like, “blimey, have you never had this before??” For me to realise how fucked up all my previous relationships had been.

By contrast, my oh now will consider when I raise something as an issue and will apologise if he has been unreasonable. I don’t get told that things are my fault. I certainly don’t see him twisting anything to make it my fault. It’s another world when you get a nice relationship, it really is.

Gaslighting is a form of horrific abuse where the perpetrator tries to make you think you're mad. Some victims have absolutely no idea of reality and don't trust their own perception.

Hopefully you won't experience gaslighting in every relationship. If you do then I'd stay single.

If you grew up with a gaslighting parent then I believe you are more likely to be drawn to or attract gas lighters throughout your life until you see more clearly how messed up it is and how to protect yourself. Only in recent years have i noticed some pattern in my own life.

I think alot of people have no capacity for being honest and accountable and can by default gaslight people. Some are hideous abusers, some narcissistic, some just immature.

I think the term gaslighting is so overused - it's a very specific form of abuse involving mental cruelty to such a degree that the victim loses all sense of reality and feels like they're going mad. It's not just general nastiness, twisting the truth or refusing to engage. It's also done in a systematic way to control and dehumanise the victim, it's very deliberate.

Yes this is what I referred to in my OP. The same is said for the phrase ‘toxic’ and ‘narcissistic’. I have been reflecting and talking to friends and quite a few have said ‘that’s gaslighting. @Tittat50 i don’t believe it was deliberate, but as a result of immaturity and low self esteem that led to a need to deflect any blame. He would also project and felt guilt and shame so heavily, that he would turn the tables in order not to deal with the emotions. Add in a general sense of low emotional IQ and it was quite the recipe. I just didn’t fully recognise it at the time and would find myself on the back foot during arguments, arguing to be heard and deflecting accusations, some of which would land and hurt. I was an open book, very honest and held my hand up to my flaws and admitted fault if required. He did not.