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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner been talking to ex wife

41 replies

ForestFox44 · 30/12/2024 22:37

To cut a long story short my current DP suffers with severe jealousy. I have 1DS with my ex partner. I also have 1DS with my DP. My ex and I co parent amicably for the most part how ever my DP finds issue with every single plan I make with my ex. He seems to only be happy if we are arguing. He hates me messaging my ex about anything. We rarely speak as my DP is very full on about it. Any communication I have with my ex, my DP wants every tiny detail. Now here's my issue. I know my DP is still in contact with his ex wife. They share no children. He said they rarely speak but I've had a feeling that isn't true. Today I asked for the first time to see his messages, he panicked, showed me a few but then snatched his phone and didn't want me to see anymore. It turns out they message every single day...about everything. I have absolutely lost it over this simply because of the amount of stress he causes me about communication with my ex about our DS. I feel like this is hugely hypocritical and want to know if I'm being reasonable to end it over this. We have a string of issues but this feels like the icing on the cake right now.

OP posts:

Pherian · 04/01/2025 15:07

You’re right, he’s projecting. It’s perfectly fine if he wants to be friends with his ex wife as long as it’s not sexual in nature. I assume you trust that isn’t the case.

He doesn’t have any thing to say about your communication with the father of one of your children. He shouldn’t be getting involved with that.

You’re right to end it if you want, but I understand you have a child with him. Perhaps ask him if this is the hill he wants your relationship to die on and how he will feel in the future when there is another man in your life and that man takes issue with your communication with him and he doesn’t know what’s going on in his child’s life.

Give him the option of getting help and dealing his his jealousy and staying out of your business - or experiencing it from the other side.

cheddercherry · 04/01/2025 15:25

He’s controlling, a liar, hypocritical, likely unfaithful, obstructive in the best of your child… he sounds like a great catch.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 04/01/2025 17:03

Noooo.

This just stinks of hypocrisy from your DP.

You've every right and actually owe it to your child you coparent with, to do just that, he's absolutely no reason to contact his ex, but, you do, yet he resents you doing it.

I can understand jealousy, but....... this, he gets to put these rules out that he not only doesn't follow himself, he messages her everyday, with absolutely no need.

It's up to you what you do, but this, i couldn't be dealing with the double standards, or, the control.

labamba007 · 04/01/2025 17:12

He doesn't suffer with severe jealousy - it's not migraines or a weak stomach. He has full control over his feelings and actions and instead of acting reasonable he acts controlling, childish, and spiteful.

And he also talks to his ex everyday. Please OP see him for who he is.

BessiePage · 04/01/2025 19:19

Well... I'd carry on with chatting to your ex , because your child comes first and foremost , I'd say " I don't mind you chatting to your ex , that's fair but if you are cheating we are done ".

mumda · 04/01/2025 19:41

ForestFox44 · 30/12/2024 23:32

I always said he was projecting. His excuse is they were together a long time and it's hard to just cut that person out. Funny thing is I wouldn't have even been overly bothered about the odd message if he didn't give me such a hard time.

Would you be happy without him?

Active13 · 04/01/2025 19:43

It sounds as if there are rules for you regarding communicating with your ex & completely different rules regarding your DP communicating with his ex. It's very unfair & controlling on his part.
If they get on so well & message daily why did they split up...very strange, particularly as they do not have a child together.
I can imagine it is difficult when you are caught up in this kind of behaviour particularly as you have a child together. Think carefully about the relationship in general.....is this the only issue or are there other things that bother you or are unfair.
I wish you well OP.

MrsRaspberry · 04/01/2025 19:43

Your ex is being extremely unreasonable. He's telling you not to be in contact with your ex yet he speaks to his on the daily. Difference with you is that you share a child with your ex so have to be in contact to effectively coparent with him. He has no ties with his ex yet finds it ok to talk to her and expect you to accept it cos they were together for such a long time. What is this man actually bringing to your relationship other than misery and mistrust. Your child will soon pick up on the negatives of the relationship (if he hasn't done so already). Your partner is trying to make things difficult for your child to have a decent relationship with his dad and that isn't fair on either the dad or your son

Active13 · 04/01/2025 19:46

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 04/01/2025 17:03

Noooo.

This just stinks of hypocrisy from your DP.

You've every right and actually owe it to your child you coparent with, to do just that, he's absolutely no reason to contact his ex, but, you do, yet he resents you doing it.

I can understand jealousy, but....... this, he gets to put these rules out that he not only doesn't follow himself, he messages her everyday, with absolutely no need.

It's up to you what you do, but this, i couldn't be dealing with the double standards, or, the control.

I agree

JollyZebra · 04/01/2025 19:55

Sounds as if he is trying to control you and also maintain some sort of control with his ex as well.
Men like this rarely change, in fact, they can get a lot, lot worse.
You need to be sensible and think about the messages his behaviour is giving your sons. Do you want them growing up thinking jealousy, suspicion and control is normal?

Lizardgirl797 · 04/01/2025 20:19

At bear minimum, he is emotionally cheating regardless of who it is, but especially being that it's his ex that he has no business having any relationship with, let alone a daily emotional relationship. It's definitely reason enough to end things. I would also wonder what else he's up to even though that is enough on its own to be a deal breaker.

Jennaxoxox · 04/01/2025 20:32

How long does he consider to be a long time? I was with my ex for 5 years and have messaged/contacted him precisely ZERO times 🙃 he's messaged me a handful of times and I've never replied. He's permanently left on read 🤣

GivingitToGod · 04/01/2025 20:40

ForestFox44 · 30/12/2024 23:32

And he is being extremely unreasonable about the communication you have with your ex over your child. That is absolutely stifling. A serious conversation needs to be had. You have every right to be annoyed and upset OP

Griff1963 · 04/01/2025 21:12

Sack that loser!

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/01/2025 21:18

ForestFox44 · 30/12/2024 23:32

And when you say "I was married to my ex and have a child with him so it's hard to cut him out too" what does he say
I'd be livid in your shoes. The jealous twattery is absolutely unacceptable. He needs to fucking well stop it completely immediately, and if he finds that hard go get himself some therapy.

Duckingella · 04/01/2025 21:36

My ex sister in law's second husband was like this;he tried to ban her from not only communicating with my brother regarding my niece but he also wanted her to not talk to me and my children (she's still their aunt) as well as not talk to my parents.

He cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child and got the OW prégnant.

Your partner is still into his ex and is projecting his own shady behaviour onto you.

You deserve better.

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