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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jealous of new lady!!!???

18 replies

Lotrgot · 30/12/2024 21:40

Daughter married and moved with husband, for work , just round the corner from husbands widowed dad. All fine. Grandchildren arrived I was thrilled and see the three of them as often as i can.
Daughters FIL has met a lovely lady , whom I get on with, but can't help feeling jealous of her relationship with my grandkids. They refer to her by name and say things like " when we went to the park with A it was great she pushed us on the swings" etc. I am happy for FIL, but worry they will love her more than me, as they live round the corner and I live over 200 miles away.
AIBU to feel jealous?

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 30/12/2024 21:45

They’ll love you just as much. I speak from experience, 2 of my granddaughters live 200 miles from us and we don’t see them that much. Stepnan lives close by and used to see them a lot (although she’s lost interest since she split with my ex and met a new chap).

I used to worry when they were little, but we FaceTimed a lot and now they’re 7 and 8 they get so excited when we’re coming and we get lovely messages and calls from them.

I think your feelings are totally valid though, but time will show you xxx

category12 · 30/12/2024 21:46

As long as you hide it and don't act on it - you feel what you feel.

Any option to move closer?

Ballinluig · 30/12/2024 21:46

Well, I think it’s natural to feel jealous! Not that I think there is anything you need to worry about, but it’s understandable that you wish it was you who saw your grandchildren all the time and not some one else. For what it’s worth, I grew up with one set of grandparents round the corner, and the other 500 miles away - I didn’t love the ones who lived 500 miles away any less! I adored them and they were just as important to me ♥️ children don’t think as black and white as adults - they’ll know they have grandparents and that they are loved by them, and they’ll love them right back.

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 23:21

It's quite possible that they will have a closer relationship with her and FIL than they do with you. They will spend much more time with them and see them most days. That can't be helped. My PIL moved to USA when ours were small and although our kids loved all their grandparents, there's no denying they were closer to my parents who looked after them when I was at work and had them to stay in the holidays etc, came on family days out at the weekends and were there for every Christmas and birthday.

Would you consider a move to be nearer your daughter? Would she want that?

Original poster

Lotrgot · 31/12/2024 21:17

Can't move closer as I have other younger children where I am now xx

OP posts:

NancyJoan · 06/01/2025 22:17

You can feel jealous, but keep it to yourself. You are not in a position to see the kids as much, but they won’t love you any less. Nice for them to have lots of people who love them so much.

Pherian · 06/01/2025 22:38

You’re being ridiculous. Move closer.

Julimia · 06/01/2025 23:18

The relationship they have with you will not be changed . Different relationships built on different things will just be simply...different and not compared. Different relationships not favourites. Don't worry. Just carry on as you are

DangerousAlchemy · 07/01/2025 07:23

To put it into a bit of perspective my lovely Dsis is a single mum to my DN (8) and he has ZERO grandparents. Hasn't had any since Jan 2021. He has a rubbish Dad he sees a few times a year and no cousins his own age at all (mine are 17 & 20). Oh and I live 3 hours away from her. Oh and her DS has SEN and only currently allowed into school - year 3- one day a week while he waits for his EHCP to come through. It takes a village to raise a child and my Dsis has no one nearby really. I think you're being ridiculous OP. You should be thanking your lucky stars your DGC have so many people in their lives that love them and want to spend time with them. Who knows what the future holds as people age. My parents were both dead at 72 and 77.

RoxyRoo2011 · 07/01/2025 07:50

You’re not being unreasonable at all - this is completely natural. My mum lives 200 miles away and my Dad and Step Mum live within 15/20 mins of me and help out a lot with childcare so have a fantastic relationship with my kids. My mum is very jealous but we just make sure we see as much of her as we can and FaceTime as often as possible. My kids get to go and stay with her during school holidays which they absolutely love. Does she wish she was closer? Absolutely. Both relationships are different but equally as special. Sending love. I know how hard it is x

CouldItBeAnyMoreObvious · 07/01/2025 07:54

Oh good grief
Jealous?

sometimesmovingforwards · 07/01/2025 07:59

I’d keep those sorts of negative thoughts to yourself.

Swiftie1878 · 07/01/2025 08:20

Jealous is a strong term.
I can understand you being envious of the proximity and more frequent access to your DD and DGC, but really you have to turn that envy into gratitude that they have that support from people who love them whilst you are unable to offer the same.

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 08:21

I think it's understandable you feel this way. They will naturally have more of a relationship with people they see regularly. Interesting you're not jealous of the grandad, would you feel the same if it was another grandma ?

All you can do is look for ways to be involved. FaceTime, you could read them a bedtime story or play a game with them. My son is 9,slightly different but he and his adult sister play globle every day (he uses my phone ) they compete to see who can get the lowest score. We also sometimes watch a film together , both watch in our own house but FaceTime during.
Regular visits to them and invites for them to come to you. You could have them stay a week in school hols.
Send them gifts or little letters.

Didimum · 07/01/2025 08:27

Your feelings are valid, but try to be glad that they have such a great, attentive presence around them in his lady. It’s good for them.

Write them letters, send them fun things in the post. Etc. They will feel all the benefits of your love and feel the same towards you, just in a different way.

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 07/01/2025 09:27

Try not to worry too much. My favourite grandma was the one who lived 300 miles away when I was a kid!

MabelMora · 07/01/2025 10:45

CouldItBeAnyMoreObvious · 07/01/2025 07:54

Oh good grief
Jealous?

Is it really that shocking to think OP might be envious of the fact that the grandfather's partner has more to do with her grandchildren than she does?

OP, all you can do is nod and smile and keep your own relationship with them strong.

Original poster

Lotrgot · 07/01/2025 11:47

I am not being ridiculous, I have 3 younger children who are either still with me or live very close, please don't judge unless you know all the facts. I was just asking to get replies to help get my own head straight. Not unhelpful one liners.

(This is a reply to a post saying "dont be ridiculous, move closer" now I can't see it)

OP posts:

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