Is there anything I can do? Child maintenance

[Pifflepafflewifflewaffle]

So I have three kids with my ex husband, all teens. Two live with me 5-6 nights a week, the other stays with each of us 50:50.

He decided to go on a three week long haul jolly over Christmas with his girlfriend, I asked him if he could cover the maintenance before Christmas is poss to help out.

hes sent a contribution of £100 (£85k salary) to the child we share equal care of to cover the three weeks. because its ‘all he can afford’ and has said he doesn’t need to pay extra for the other two because it falls within the bracket of payment that he already pays.

i don’t know if it seems petty but im disgusted that he thinks it’s fine to rely on me for childcare over Christmas and whilst im working, but given it’s a temporary change, is there anything I can do, or do I need to suck it up? He knows I will have done everything in his absence to ensure they’ve had a wonderful Christmas.

In theory you can do the same to him then!

Typically maintenance doesn't change for a one off holiday so actually £100 is fair

Surely it doesn’t cost you that much to feed the kids for an extra week and a half for one of them and a few days for the others? The man is allowed to go holidays. You seem a bit jealous IMHO.

If they are all teens why is childcare needed?

Yeah damn right I’m jealous, it’s the third month he’s decided to fuck off and leave his kids in the last twelve. He’s refused to have them 50:50 for the last 5 years because parenting doesnt really work with his job, and has only now offered to two of them because he thinks they’re old enough to be left without a parent for prolonged periods.

do you think all people should pander to their exes demands, or just women?

Technically he's correct.

Surely it doesn’t cost you that much to feed the kids for an extra week and a half for one of them and a few days for the others

Do you have teenagers? They eat a shit ton of food and with it being Christmas it's even more expensive!

I don't think there's much you can do unfortunately OP but you have my sympathy as I'm in a similar boat

Bullshit replies so far - sorry, OP. Anyone with any decency knows you are not being UR and he is a selfish skinflint who doesn't appear to give much of a shit about his dc. Hope you had a lovely Christmas in spite of his meagre contribution and that the dc didn't notice his dickishness or are past caring.

I can't imagine it's cost that much extra. It's coming off like you want paying for extra childcare as if you were a babysitter and not their mother?

Thank you @pinotnow , always a bit baffled by how low the bar is on here in terms of expectations of dads!

we did thanks, my new partner spent it with us and spent a lot of time with my boys, brought it home to me when he said ‘I might not have the same memories that you have of them, but I want to start making my own’ when I realised just what a sad decision their dad has made to miss out on them.

thank you for your kindness and @sparepantsandtoothbrush yours too- they literally do not stop eating, asking for lifts to work or friends, money for xyz. And regardless of cost, morally it’s disgusting to expect someone to subsidise your holiday, especially when you’ve only used a week of your annual leave on your kids so that you could save it to go on this trip 🤷🏻‍♀️😂. Hope it eases up for you too, wish it wasn’t a race to the bottom on here.

Do you often have a problem with your imagination, or just when it comes to people being taken advantage of?

It absolutely does cost a lot more! One of my DC is home from uni for the holidays. I've spent so much money on food and drink (and don't forget the water, gas and electric an exrra person costs) for Christmas plus all the other meals every day. Ex doesn't see the DC and was away at his parents for Christmas so didn't spend a penny. When he's earning 6 times a month the amount that I do it grates!

CM is calculated based on the overnights he has per year so he may be technically right in that he doesn’t owe you any extra.

Have you used an online CM calculator and considered going to CMS so you can get what is legally considered fair?

How old are the kids? 13 year old triplets can stay at home without you there (unless there’s some which means that they can’t be left alone ) and don’t your older teens just go out with friends so not need childcare? They eat lots but if they are old enough to work then have you considered pushing them to earn their own fun money ?

I understand if you’re angry because you wanted to go away too.

Hmm, you are their Mother, they are old enough to be left, you got a extra £100. Nothing you can do so suck it up.
Jealousy is not a good look, let it go, you have a partner now, so in theory you can go away.

Calculate by nights, is it genuinely 50/50 then check cmo rates. I think you'll find he is due to pay maintenance

Ok fine, it's weird you want paying to look after your own kids. I wonder how that makes your children feel.
You sound jealous.
If it's such a hassle then do the same back to him and go on holiday with your own partner.

Why would I need a partner to go away? I went away this year by myself, but got alternative childcare as their dad wouldn’t dream of taking time off work to look after his kids.

You think my kids will be more bothered by me asking for support in managing their lives than him leaving them for three weeks over Christmas and not contributing to their upkeep? Where in the world of internalised misogyny have we landed now?

I was with you... Until this point.

No way would I go away and leave my kids at home (even with someone else...) unless I had to for work.

The OP has already said their Dad won't have them if she goes away. So she's just supposed to not have a life but it's OK for him to do what he wants?

They were with their grandparents who spend more time with them than their dad, and had a wonderful time. I went for a week by myself to celebrate having got two 16 year olds through 16 years of life and GCSEs pretty much single handedly, whilst working a 60 hour week in a senior job I worked my arse off to get as a single parent, running a home and with a third child. I recommend that every woman does it, and remembers that martyrdom helps no one.

So you do what most other Mothers do. I was a single parent, both my kids did well, and done exams, so what.
I am no martyr, just a Mother, you sound jealous, and resentful, your ex pays maintenence and gave you a£100 for you other son. Let it go otherwise it will eat you up.

God the bar is depressingly low. She shouldn't go away unless for work? Even if her kids are with trusted grandparents?

Bloody hell why not get her to write 'doormat' on her forehead and be done with it!!!

Op I have a similar situation with my ex. I completely understand your frustration. Very little you can actually do but have a rant (and some even begrudge you that little outlet!) but I hear ya!

I dont think there's anything you can do, although it might move you out if the 50/50 bracket with cms.

It's totally shit though.

Go back to the CMS and tell them that you have them 100% of the time which you do right now and that you would like your claim adjusting.
And then don’t adjust it back it’s an absolute nightmare for him to try and prove that they have the child 50-50 without a court order ordering 50-50.
They will take your word over anything he says in the future.

Not sure what the aibu is.

But as for what you can do? Work out the overnights over a 52 week period. If it fits in the bracket then no.