DH not open to GP (sleep deprived / depressed)

[Fleek76]

Thought about posting on SEN forums but not a specifically SEN issue and they are pretty quiet.

DH and I have been dealing with broken sleep for a few years now. DS (6yo) has ASD and among other challenges sleeps extremely poorly, with about half of the nights her being awake for long chunks of the night and every night not settling until 10/11ish. Kindly - advice on sleep is not my ask here, we have seen all the specialists, doctors etc, explored all sorts of things both inside and outside box and continue to so do.

We both find it extremely draining and some days really struggle to go about the day with work , other commitments (older DD) etc , it’s a horrible way to live really but I guess I feel in some way automatic pilot / no choice really. DH reacts probably worse than me; many of the nights / evenings (maybe 2 a week for the last month) he will say that he doesn’t want to live anymore, feels suicidal, etc.. On Xmas day he was in bed for a few hours of the day (not a hugely bad night the night before just was feeling down). I have suggested , gently (I’m biased I guess) that he go to the GP , tell them how he’s been feeling, and see if anti depressants / therapy might help. He reacted furiously saying that DS is the problem not him, and why am I making out everything is his fault, etc.. He agrees it’s not sustainable but he thinks the next step we need to explore is residential care for DS, perhaps just for a chunk of the week (initial conversations he has had indicate could be possible ). I am not really open to this, he’s so little still and gets so distressed in his meltdowns I couldn’t imagine him not being with us in the night etc.. also non verbal which to me makes safeguarding even more of a worry.

Am I unreasonable here? Or is DH?

That sounds tough.

Could you draw up a rota so one of you is on duty one night when the other sleeps and see if his mood lifts after a couple of weeks of getting some unbroken sleep?

Rather than residential care, could you get a night carer?

Anti-depressants may not be a solution if the issue is chronic exhaustion. However, if you are able to find a way to allow you both more unbroken sleep then I do think it is fair to ask him to see the GP if his mood doesn’t lift.

Also how are you managing, don’t burn out trying to care for your DH as well as your DC.

Neither of you are unreasonable- you are navigating a very difficult situation as best you can.

I think you’re both completely at the end of your tether to be honest. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, it really can absolutely break you and unless you can address that issue there’s really no point in starting anti-depressants or therapy, I agree with your husband on that, they do not replace sleep and it is lack of sleep that is the issue. Spending an hour a week with a therapist really is a waste of time when the conversation looks like:

Therapist: ”Why do you think you feel this way?”
Husband: “Because I am exhausted, severely sleep deprived and have been for the last few years”
Therapist: “You need more sleep”

Sleep and good quality rest is so important, talking to a therapist about how tired you are isn’t going to help and pills don’t replace sleep.

Honestly sleep deprivation is horrendous! It's literally a form of torture.

If everything your husband is feeling (which sounds horrendous) is directly down to a lack of sleep, speaking to a GP won't help - they'll probably say to get some sleep. They're unlikely to medicate him first off, in my experience they try most other things first (or want to know you've tried everything). Anti depressants won't fix lack of sleep, they're basically mood stabilisers rather than happy pills.

If you're vetoing the idea of residential care as a solution (which is quite a good one!) are you offering up any alternative ideas to deal with the root cause, which is a household lack of sleep looking after your DS?

Is your husband likely on the spectrum himself? The reality of parenting a nonverbal sen child is that this is going to be life long problem where your future is not going to be what you’d hoped for…this may be what is triggering those more serious thoughts in your husband. Have you had any couples counselling around making those difficult decisions about planning for your future? Short term ,perhaps he can book himself into a hotel once or twice a week to get some sleep and a break?

Thanks all.

i agree it’s rubbish and not sustainable. We do take it in turns but it can be noisy so not always possible to sleep through (not a huge amount of space). For that same reason (as well as financial) we have though night nurse type help prob wouldn’t give us much rest. Also finding myself doing a bit more than my share so to speak bc I’m worried about DH.

my suggestion has been having us take it in turns to stay w family one night a week (or even a cheap hotel every so often) to reset. That and continue to explore medication options for DS , but some of the side effects are worrying (but then so is the sleep deprivation…)

thanks for giving me a perspective - I guess I know that therapy and anti-d’s wouldn’t fix anything, I just think he’s not imagining how he would feel if I spoke about suicide like that. On Xmas day I was actually really nervous going to check on him - it’s an awful way to live

To add, the ultimate reality or end point for your husband may be to split up …if you balance the needs of your older child, yourselves, as well as your youngest ,then residential may be the best option for your family as a whole….I know that may break your heart as a mother at this age, but would you consider it at an older age?

@Supssups yeah, possibly on spectrum to a much less severe degree. I agree on future perspective and I think that’s made it hard for both of us lately. I don’t kid myself resi care will never be needed, I just think it’s far too soon.

@Supssups cross posted twice… yes re older age. I am worried as you say about splitting up but it’s hard to see anything (marriage included) as a bigger priority than DS. I think if he was in resi I would never be able to ‘enjoy’ the quieter evenings and nights bc I’d be consumed by guilt. I do agree though re wider family dynamics and indeed DD who is for sure negatively impacted as is.

Even for those who have never suffered with mental health, sleep deprivation will do it. I count myself really lucky that I’ve never had serious mental health issues and didn’t suffer with PPD after having my baby but I will never forget one night after weeks of very little sleep when she was tiny I completely broke down and was just absolutely done, I just wanted everything to stop. I told my mum and my husband and was able to get that support I really needed, I don’t even dare think where I would have ended up had I had to live like that for anywhere close to a few years. You can’t blame him for the way he feels, it sounds like torture and that’s because it is, a GP can’t help with that

@Fleek76 i know 1 person with asd is not like another but from my family experiences of mental health issues in those with ASD(with and without actual diagnoses!),it is really important to hear what he is saying and get a plan in asap...I have had a family member really go off the rails quite quickly (and also became very unwell myself due to sleep deprivation and PND as per pp!) good luck and I appreciate that you are having to carry a lot of load yourself x

Bless you both, this is one situation where neither of you are being unreasonable.

We are in the same boat and its torture. 3 Yr old ds needs such little sleep and the minute he's awake no matter what time it is (3am) he wants to be up at tearing around. If we try to settle him then it's screaming and roaring. We've not found a solution to either and we just seem to plod along with 4 hours sleep. I occasionally have to sleep in the afternoons because I'm delirious with exhaustion

@romdowa it is absolute torture isn’t it.. we’ve had phases of slight improvements but lately just worst than ever. Feel for you…