To feel uncomfortable about favouritism

[Ladybuglamp]

I have DD aged 1, and my brother has two boys aged 3 & 5.

Brother and his family live other side of the country, whereas I live fairly close to parents. We usually only see his family about twice a year when they come down to visit.

When my nephews were babies, my parents doted on them and would go up to visit them a lot, but I’ve noticed in the past couple of years they’ve stopped doing that and seem a bit disinterested whenever I bring them up. My mum even forgot one of their names recently when I was talking to her!

Nephews are nice kids - although can get a bit lively and overexcited as I’m sure most kids that age get. But whenever they visit my parents just seem to tolerate them with gritted teeth. Rolling their eyes when they cry. Hate all their noisy toys and tv programmes. Constantly telling them off for little things, and even sometimes really yelling at them if my brother isn’t around. My mum also seems to have a bit of a vendetta against my SIL (according to her the reason they don’t visit more often is because of her / everything is her fault etc)

In comparison, my daughter can do no wrong. They dote on her, love us visiting, have offered to do childcare 2 days a week. Everything she does is wonderful and cute..

I’m not sure if they will grow to hate my daughter too as she gets older or if this is a common thing that can happen with two sets of grandchildren.

I feel sad for my nephews, but also worried that they’ll turn on DD too once she starts misbehaving more. I couldn’t trust them with childcare if it felt like they weren’t loving towards her. The way my mum yelled at them when they visited recently, really shocked me and DH. They weren’t even doing anything that naughty and it almost felt a bit abusive.

would love to hear others experiences from either side..

Should I be worried?

She’s a baby, the others are at a much more challenging age. Its not favouritism, its just easier to be around a gurgling baby than try to stop a three and a five year old trashing your house or running into traffic.

Tbh I don't think I'd accept childcare from someone who I've witnessed repeatedly yelling at their other GC in a manner that had you "shocked" and that you describe as "abusive". They could be doing that to your child when you're not there to witness it! No thank you, that wouldn't be happening.

I feel really sorry for your nephews as well as your DB and SIL. Have you told them that your DPs yell at their kids when they're not there? I would hope that my siblings would tell me this if it were happening in my family, to help protect my children. Not colluding with the shouty grandparent.

Hmmm, probably nothing, but I'm wondering if your Mum's behaviour in particular has changed a little in recent times? What you're describing in terms of her behaviour when your nephews are with her sounds like an anxiety response. And she forgot one of their names. Do you have any other concerns about her memory?

Two lively boys can be a proper handful if you are not used to it and will be a world of difference to a 1 year old girl.

I think some older people see the ads for over sixty's insurance and think grandparenting is just handing ice creams to wide eyed grateful children and not the rough and tumble of breaking up fights, making yourself heard or strong arming the children towards bedtime.

I think you do have to stick up for your brother and SIL when your MIL makes comments. It's always easier to blame the daughter in law when the son is not visiting or calling. When she starts making comments about the boys perhaps you remind them it's normal to be a little boisterous at that age - you've forgotten what pre-schoolers are like.

When your mother shouted at the boys, what did their parents say? Or how did they react?

If your are really worried, could Nephews could stay with you when they visit?

I’d try and manage the situation to make it work better. Suggest days out, have them stay with you, and help them build a connection with the DC they see less often. Not because it’s your responsibility, but because you can.

I was the distant child. We had some issues at some ages, but overall my dc are the closest grandchildren because instead of flying visits we stayed for a few days, or them with us. We were also careful about not criticising GPs in front of our dc, unlike sis. So we curated a good relationship. It can be done.

It could be your mum prefers little ones or perhaps she feels closer to her daughters child than her sons but her behaviour would be a red flag to me.

In my birth family the youngest child and her offspring are the favoured ones.

According to my Mum, my Nana on the other side favoured her granddaughters (which was lucky since she had 7 of them) and didn’t have the same affection for her 2 grandsons, which included my brother. It made my Mum a lot more protective of my brother and him the favoured one out of both of us 🙄 anyway, that’s besides the point. Could your Mum just prefer girls, as lame as that sounds? That now she’s got a granddaughter she’s not bothered about making the effort with her grandsons?

inexcusable behaviour whatever the reason and I’d be concerned about nephews when rarely in her care if they’re being shouted at 😥

There are a couple of issues here

1. How is mums memory usually? Is this an early sign of dementia forgetting the child's name and possibly the irritability towards the boys?

1. Her attitude towards the GC and possibly your DD in the future. Two young boys are obviously going to be more challenging than a 1 year old. They will be past naps and need activities to keep them busy. Your DD is possibly still at a less mobile stage or happy to sit and play with toys given to her. This will change as she gets older.

Are the nephews parents there when the GPs are shouting? Are they aware of this? Maybe a day out with them needs to be arranged rather than visiting at home, or breaking the day up by going out.

One-year-olds are fairly easy for grandparents, I'd be expecting the same treatment as your dd moves into the tantrum years.
Some GPs have a rosy view of what kids were like years ago and they find themselves not really jelling with kids as they are now. My Mum liked her grandchildren up to 6 months after that she wasn't interested - except to boost about an academic achievement of theirs.

My nan lost interest in all grandkids once a new one came along. It was very confusing and upsetting as a child as one moment very close to my nan... Next, she didn't even send a card for my birthday, I was still super young when it happened to me. But it was more fascinating to watch as I got older (big family, ended up with a few cousins). If it was a new one in the same family, the older kid would still get a look in as a side effect of the younger one now being the focus - but once there was a new kid in another family unit, they'd both be dropped.

My youngest cousins had interest lost in them once the youngest ones became teenagers. No new ones were born, now my nan doesn't bother with any of us.

I wouldn’t be allowing my mum to watch my daughter if I’d witnessed her treating my nephews that way. I’d also be stepping in and defending them in the moment. That’s awful

We have this.

I do not tolerate it at all in any shape or form.

I avoid my mother, she doesn’t see my children but never asks about them either.

I see her occasionally, for a quick cuppa, but limit her contact with my kids. I won’t expose them to it.
She does see my sisters children every now and again, but is in my opinion abusive towards one of them.

Don’t expose your child to it, it will affect them negatively.

I think as above PP said ,a one year old baby will be a lot easier than 2 lively boys ! I adore our nephew and niece ,but boy they are hard work.I always feel tired when we have just visited.I would think maybe some days out may work better TBH. Do they stay over with DP ? If so I think that a Travelodge may work better .It's a long day for them if they are doing meals as well.Also Christmas is hard work anyway and I always feel exhausted! (Grandparent in waiting here).

I have a gc from each of my older dd. My gs is almost 3 and gd almost 1. We had them both here at Christmas and the baby is generally much easier to look after. I didn't shout at my gs who is absolutely lovely but I'd have probably been firmer with him if dd was not around. Perhaps looking after 2 young boys is too much for your dm. One of my dd definitely has very different ideas of bringing up her dc than me - and that's fine, I had different ideas than my parents. I don't think I'd let your dm do childcare as even though her offer is well meaning I don't think she'd handle it well.
My MiL used to look after my elder 2dc occasionally and for the odd week in the holidays but I never did the same with my younger 2dc (16 years age difference) even though she would have agreed as I knew it'd been too much for her - and fil didn't help.

I do hope you've asked and/or challenged your mum about this. It could be deeper and more reasons for it than you can see. Hate is a very strong word. Encourage thinking in terms of different relationships rather than talk of favourites.

has your mum always been a shouty woman and lacking consideration towards kids or is this new? If it is new, it’s probably a sign that she is too tired /old to look after kids. She’s going to be the same towards your daughter when she is a toddler /you’re not around. Sorry op, her whole attitude and behaviour screams that she just doesn’t like being around kids, as well as not able to cope with having them around. I would never let someone with such behaviour look after after my kids.
I’d chat to your brother about her behaviour and offer that they can stay at yours when they’re visiting, as it’s apparent that your mum can’t cope. They need to know that she’s shouting at the boys when they’re not around. I’d also stand up for brother and his wife whenever your mum makes remarks. Your sister in law isn’t the problem. Your mother is.

Sounds more like there's been an issue with the wife and your parents that you are not privvy to rather than your mum not caring

Sounds like she's got a monster of a daughter in law or your mum overstepped a few too many times and caused an issue

There’s a similar situation in our family.

Me and one sibling visit with our children every week.

Another sibling hasn’t been to see my parents for 2 years so they are favouring the ones who make the effort to see them.

Yes this behaviour isn’t right and isn’t fair on the kids. Maybe DM is too tired, could be angry menopausal, beginnings of dementia, stressed basically lots of reasons but I wouldn’t leave a child with her. Non of the above reasons are the children's or your sil’s fault (except trusting her to look after the kids). Some parents are quite pushy and insistent on older parents adults looking after kids.

I agree with others that favouritism and future jealousy by nephews is not the problem here. The problem is that your mum is finding looking after the two boys too difficult. We don't know the reason, but forgetting a name would ring a bell for me and I'd be looking out for any other signs of dementia.

The ideal is for your mother to be able to spend time with her grandchildren, but in a way that forges a positive relationship rather than a fraught one with lots of shouting. If looking after children without their parent present is too much then childcare isn't a good idea.

My in-laws have 6 grandchildren, but you wouldn't know it!

They have one super speshul granddaughter, and the rest of the kids are treated like they're a neighbour's grandkid.

You'd be nice, and give them £2 for sweets, sorta thing.

I actively steer the conversation away from my niece, if I'm talking to my MiL. Otherwise I'll get a 2 hour monologue about the time Rosie* had to have a couple of teeth taken out.

*not her real name.

I've seen it in our family too. Same ages.

I feel its partly how we were raised with instant physical punishment being the only thing DM knows wrt child discipline. None of us ever use it on our kids. Non physical discipline takes longer and I could see DM sitting there pretty much baffled at thee mum working her toddler through bad behaviour when a much quicker belt with a stick would have sorted it out in seconds 🙄.

She does have favourites, my other siblings kids. What worked was bringing DS to visit only when the cousins did. It becomes too obvious to exclude or treat him as lesser. All other times I will visit on my own or she comes to us. The good news is she doesn't really bother much with any of them past the docile baby stage. But I'm always alert to DS seeing any favouritism, ready to nip it if needs be.

Same my DM actually had 4 GC but one is on a pedestal far more photos of her in DM’s house than all of the other three put together, can’t have a conversation with DM without niece being mentioned, niece always gets way more spent on her for Christmas and birthday presents etc.

My DD is 18 and my niece is 1 so a big age gap. We can’t speak to mil without her fretting over, prioritising and talking about my niece. She’s much closer to her daughter than my husband too so a legacy of that over many years is feeding in I think.