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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner called me an ignorant prick over a coffee

18 replies

coffeokewhat · 30/12/2024 12:11

My partner and I agreed he’d pick up the dog poo while I made the coffee. So, I start making it, and he comes in saying, “Can you make it properly, how I like it? Normal coffee, not decaf.”

I told him I used normal coffee and then added a sweetener (as we’ve been using sweeteners for years). Suddenly, he loses it, saying he wanted brown sugar. I explained I didn’t hear him say “brown sugar” and thought he just meant “normal coffee.” He snaps back with, “You know how I usually have it!” But I don’t he always uses sweeteners!

At that point, we start shouting. I found his reaction incredibly rude, and then he calls me an “ignorant prick” for supposedly doing it on purpose. I was so wound up by the way he was speaking to me that I told him to make his own coffee next time and called him an entitled prick in return.

I was so angry I wanted to throw the coffee in his face, but instead, I threw it in the sink and told him to make it himself. Now we’re not even talking. All this… over brown sugar.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable here. I know I completely lost my cool, but the way he was speaking to me was unacceptable. That said, I realise shouting and throwing the coffee probably made things worse. I feel like the real issue is the lack of respect towards me over a coffee.

OP posts:
Manchesterbythesea · 30/12/2024 12:13

Jesus. Is he always like that?

coffeokewhat · 30/12/2024 12:15

Manchesterbythesea · 30/12/2024 12:13

Jesus. Is he always like that?

No, which is why I became so wound up, it was unexpected and completely pathetic.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 30/12/2024 12:15

You both sound nuts to let that escalate so badly

username299 · 30/12/2024 12:16

Is this normal in your relationship? Do you often call each other names and have flare ups over trivial things?

Either you didn't hear him say he wanted sugar or he's looking for an excuse to have a go at you. Is he often picking at you?

If this is a pattern, he's emotionally abusive. If it's only a recent thing, then something is going on so you need to have a conversation.

doodleschnoodle · 30/12/2024 12:17

No way this is an isolated incident. Shouting and calling each other pricks and throwing stuff over a coffee.

XWKD · 30/12/2024 12:18

At that point you start shouting? So what did you shout before he called you an ignorant prick?

TizerorFizz · 30/12/2024 12:22

Men and coffee!!! My DH has become obsessed with coffee. I just let him get on with it. He can use the machine so let him do
it to his taste. Defer to his superior skills - poo picking and coffee making - he sounds like a catch.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 30/12/2024 12:23

You've not fallen out over a coffee, try and work out what you're really fighting for?

For things to flare up like that over a triviality there's something going on.

That's a simmering pot boiling over, it's not come out of nowhere.

Jolietta · 30/12/2024 12:24

Both of you over reacted.

Poor dog, I hope the creature didn't witness the appalling behaviour.

lightsandtunnels · 30/12/2024 12:26

Sounds like there are potentially bigger issues than just the coffee incident. Surely no one truly loses their temper over something so trivial unless there are other problems?

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 30/12/2024 12:33

Have you spent the last week in each others company - do you need some space? If it's not normal for both of you, maybe you're just both a bit fed up.

coffeokewhat · 30/12/2024 12:44

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 30/12/2024 12:33

Have you spent the last week in each others company - do you need some space? If it's not normal for both of you, maybe you're just both a bit fed up.

I think this is the case, we don't often spend more than 2/3 days together because of work schedules. I've taken time back from seeing friends after Xmas and stayed home more than I usually do. So I've made the executive decision to go out and see friends tonight and have space. It's unusual behaviour for us

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 12:47

Sounds like Christmas period cabin fever.

An embarrassing row for you both but I've had worse with my husband of 25 years 😊

orangegato · 30/12/2024 13:01

Nuh-uh, nope. He sounds a right cunt. I’d flip at being spoken to like that too.

Melodyfair · 30/12/2024 13:13

Well you’ve been In each others pockets when your not usually, you say it’s out of the ordinary, go and cuddle and have a laugh about it and diffuse it. This thread will probably now fill up with people telling you he is abusive because he’s a man, it’s already begun from one or two posters, no one can ever just have a bit of a normal argument in mumsnet land, there’s always apparently more behind it 🙄

GreyAreas · 30/12/2024 13:19

Cabin fever. Picking a fight because he didn't like having to deal with the dog shit but would have felt ridiculous to say so.

coffeokewhat · 30/12/2024 13:21

I agree with all of your responses. Thank you for taking the time to respond and be logical about it. I thought he would get slated here but I think it's clear everyone has arguments from time to time like this and cabin fever is a real thing. Lockdown proved it 🤣 He's now apologised and realised he was out of order. But I'm still going out tonight to get some space as we clearly need it!

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 30/12/2024 13:33

It's not about coffee - it is about dog poo.
I'm guessing he was hoping you'd say "oh you make the coffee then, I'll clean the dog poo".
A lot of men see shitty jobs (literally as well as metaphorically) as degrading women's work that males should not have to do.

If you think the relationship is worth continuing, let this row blow over, but going forward have your wits about you and be alert for sexist stereotypical roles and expectations. Re-consider what you are prepared to put up with.

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