Not sure about forgiving

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

So, I had a row with my parents last night. I haven’t had a disagreement like this with them for a while. It started off as little bits of bickering but later got a bit more heated. I was furious. I just think we all woke up in a bad mood. Anyway to cut a long story short. I told my parents I was done and didn’t want to hear from them ever again and walked off with my keys and was going to my friends flat. my dad then snatched the keys out of my hands (as he knew because of my adhd ill speed straight off the drive with fury and probably get hurt/in an accident) I tried to snatch the keys but he is too strong compared to me. So I said something I can’t remember. Anyway it resulted in my mum saying “you’re creating an argument right before new years and looking directly at me and saying “fuck you. Seriously fuck you and your shit. I’m fed up of arguing” and I turned around and said (not meaning it) “I’m fed up. I’m hormonal and I feel unloved so celebrate new year on your own ” to which I got a sarcastic “oh yeah you’re right. No one loves you here do they. Of course not. Shall I repeat that again. Evidently no one loves you”

I broke down at that point because I think it went way too far. She walked over hugged me and immediately said she’s sorry and that she didn’t mean it and I mean more to her than anything in this world but I was pushing too far for an argument because of being hormonal and that she just didn’t see it going anywhere so was just agreeing.

She was really apologetic later in the evening and sent this text this morning “Good morning my darling,
I want to sincerely apologize for the argument we had yesterday. I know that it caused tension and hurt feelings, and we all said things which we didn’t mean. I value our family and the love we share more than anything else in this entire world.
Sometimes, emotions can get the best of us, and we all need to take a reality check and make sure that we don’t upset each other unnecessarily, as we truly appreciate you and want to ensure that we communicate openly and have a happy harmonious household. You
mean the world to us and are so proud of what you’ve become today, a caring, intelligent and gorgeous young lady.
Let’s work together in 2025 move past petty arguments and show appreciation for each other instead. Sorry”

I am adhd/autistic so I can’t always move past everything overnight. Am I being unreasonable to not forgive here? Also I have therapy and also please let’s not be too harsh on me

What cant you forgive? No one comes across well in what you describe at all - the only bad thing is the grabbing of keys which you explain as actually being necessary for you not to dangerously drive

I'm audhd with pmdd. I'm mid-thirties so needed to be put into chemical menopause because of the havoc my hormones wreaked on my life. Your parents sound sincere and I would forgive this. Your dad knew you could come to harm so stopped you driving off, your mum has sent what seems like a genuine apology. I would send an apology in return and squash the beef.

Can you help I’m not good with this stuff what do I say. Also ive been to the doctors so many times about my hormones. I’ll destroy any relationship near my period. I get irrationally angry.

Was EVERYTHING that you said to them 100% true or did you say things you didn't mean in the heat of the moment?

As for you being Hormonal - everyone has them, so perhaps your parents can offer the same excuse?

As the song says, Let It Go

So you get irrationally angry but you deserve forgiveness and others don't?

They've forgiven you. Your turn. Just say "I'm sorry too" to bother of them.

I have adhd too so familiar with heightened emotions and rejection sensitivity. Your parents sound deeply caring and loving, and that's a very loving and sincere apology. Forgive them. Apologise for your own part in it.

Go and do whatever you need to do to calm your still-wobbly emotions - a fierce walk usually does the trick for me, or a cry followed by a TV comedy. You need to get out of your head.

Look up PMDD, and if it sounds like it applies print it out and take it along to the doctor and ask for help with it. Lots of women suffer with it.

@TThePerkyCoralPoet It sounds so familiar to what I've been through. I was stuck in a cycle of being OK and rational in day to day life to just waking up and wanting to leave my husband, my perception of him totally at odds with the previous day. We would argue like mad and he couldn't get through to me until the 'meltdown' had passed. It really is horrible and makes you feel like jekyll and hyde and that you don't know your own mind.

It took twenty years and a severe autistic burnout for the doctors to agree to put me into chemical menopause. It's no barrel of laughs having autism and adhd anyway but the hormonal addition of pmdd is just debilitating.

If your family are usually supportive and this was a rare occurance I would not over-analyse and nip it in the bud now with a text acknowledging their apologies. It's fine to let them know you need time to feel better after such a row though. It does sound like they love you but family dynamics are complex at the best of times and with nuerodivergence can make communication especially difficult.

Neurodivergent*

You sound a bit like my DD who is autistic. She picks fights in the run up to events or occasions that she is finding very stressful, I hazard a guess that it's because it gives her an excuse to refuse to deal with them that she can blame on someone else. She then expects the other parties to grovel in apology for "upsetting her", while never taking any responsibility herself.

She often tells me that I don't care about her or do anything for her, despite me spending the last few years since her mental health problems started absolutely bending over backwards to try to help and accommodate her, to the detriment of my own mental health. She's still an immature teenager, so we are working on it, but you sound like you're a bit older so I would have expected you to have learned to manage yourself a bit more - maybe talk to your therapist about it if you think it's a pattern.

I don’t find her behaviour unforgivable, and I think that her message is really thoughtful and she sounds like she’s got her heart in the right place.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to have the feelings you’re having! But they are emotions, not proof that someone is right or wrong

Others have dealt with reasons you should try to forgive, and I agree with them. You asked what you could write back. My advice would be to include these points:

• accept the apology and thank her for it
• apologise yourself
• acknowledge what you’ve said here about the irrationality caused by your hormones, without making it sound like an excuse
• say that you are actively trying to get help
• acknowledge that you believe you are loved and cared for
• express your own love and care for your family

Here’s an example of what I might write in your shoes:

“Hi, mum. Thanks so much for taking the time to write the message, and for such a kind and open apology. I’m sorry too for my part in last night’s argument. I’m having such a horrible time with my hormones at the moment, and I know it sometimes makes me irrational - it’s just so hard for me to realise that and calm myself down when it’s happening. I feel out of control of my behaviour, and I haven’t yet worked out a way to get a handle on it. But I am trying.

I’ll keep on at the doctor because I really want to get some help for this. I know it can take a long time to find a doctor who actually listens when it’s anything related to menstrual cycles, but I want you to know that I’m committed to getting some help.

I know that you love me and care about me. I love you too, very much, and I’m grateful for your care and concern. I hope you’ll always know that I love you, even when I’m not able to show it properly.”

Echo this x

It all sounds fairly distressing. But also not entirely unusual in all the circumstances.

It’s possible that your mum is also hormonal and feeling unloved (perimenopause is awful for this; also menopause, and post menopause can still be tough). It’s easy to say things we don’t mean when we’re in the heat of hormonal rage.

It’s ok to be angry. But also, being angry isn’t the same thing as not loving people, and that’s true for both you and your parents.

I hope everything feels calmer soon.

I'm autistic too and I find it incredibly hard to apologise as it comes with a huge amount of shame / blame. It sounds like your dad was just trying to keep you safe, and your mum was fed up with the arguing - mothers are human too. I think it would be unreasonable not to forgive, and also unreasonable not to apologise back. But I do appreciate how hard it can be.

Try using pi.ai to word apologies. I used your situation and typed in

"I have had an argument with my mum. She has sent an apology. I need to accept her apology and send an apology in response. Can you help me word it?"

It responded with this:

"Of course, Laura. Apologizing can be tough, but it's a great way to show maturity and move forward from an argument. How about something like this:
"Hi Mum, I'm sorry for my part in our argument. I understand that you're sorry too, and I appreciate your apology. Let's put this behind us and move forward. I love you."
Does that sound good? Feel free to tweak it to make it sound more like you! 😊"

I then sent it the phrasing your mum used to you and asked it to reply and it gave me this

"Sure thing! Here's a possible response that acknowledges her apology and apologizes in return:
"Hi Mum,
Thank you for reaching out and apologizing. I appreciate your sincerity and understand that emotions can sometimes get the best of us. I'm also sorry for my part in the argument and for any hurt feelings I may have caused. Family is incredibly important to me, and I value the love and support we share.
I agree that it's important to work together and move past arguments like this. I'm grateful for your kind words, and I'm proud to be part of this family. Let's keep communicating openly and showing appreciation for each other.
Thank you again for your apology, and I'm sorry too.
Love,"

I find tools like this really helpful and pi.ai is the one which claims to be able to deal with emotions!